I don't know what is wrong with me...

[Roxie]

...I just know something isn't right.

My name is Roxie, 14. Don't think my age has to do with my maturity; but I can't stop you from judging quickly.

I've gone to sites like this before and all they have said is 'sorry'. I'm sick of that word. Just as I am sick of feeling this way. I have experienced pretty on and off depression. Though there isn't many truly happy moments during those off times. I don't know what makes me happy, and I don't know what will help, but it seems like I can't fully enjoy anything.

I had a mainly happy childhood, and my father says I have no reason to be sad, but I just am. I have asked my father to go to a Therapist/Psychiatrist, but we aren't in the correct financial situation. Plus the factor that I've had problems with abusing the opprotunity of an medicine cabinet in the past. My parents don't trust me anymore, but I don't think I deserve to be trusted at this point.

The only family member I know to have a problem with sadness is my father; but I don't think he has the dignity to admit his daughter may be more screwed up than him. He experienced depression while a child, though he had logical reasons to due to problems with his parents and surroundings in the past. I, on the other hand, just think I've dug this trench I am in for myself.

My mind is filled with pessimistic thoughts. I see no reason to get up and continue living everyday except for the simple reason that I have to. I have not attempted suicided, but have had long serious mental conversations with myself about it. Asking the common questions of "Who will care?" and "What will happen?" to myself.

Sometimes, but not so often that I go insane, I do have somebody else interject in my thoughts. Though I'm not certain who the being is or what they have against me, they obviously want me dead. They not meaning more than one person. Just the being itself.

I don't know if this needs to be said or not, but I'm pretty sure than not that I suffer from OCD & ADD/ADHD I can't stand when certain things are certain ways, and I also can't stand still without feeling a nervous twitch pull at my body. I do know that my OCD is prodominant enough that it annoys people, and I'm sure that that is probably a symptom of it from a outsiders point of view. Things that trigger my OCD include the following;

• I order my desk and even the way my dinner is set up. Not so much that it's just moving it for convience, but if anything I am working with is unbalanced I feel quite upset.

• Odd numbers can go to hell.

• My Iphone case has a felt fuzz on the inside, and the fuzz (or just fuzz from my sweater/pockets) tend to get on my phone. If I find one little speck I take the case off and whipe it with my sleeve. Though it just takes longer since I keep getting it dirty with pieces of fabric. It takes forever for me to finally get it to my satisfaction. Only to find when I retrieve it again from my pocket to check a text, most times I have more on it.

• I had to fill this bullet point due to the fact that I can't leave it unfilled while in a moment of forgetting how to complete a list of something I live with everyday. I will probably think of more things right after finishing this, but I won't bother to edit it again. (This list has been edited in.)

My ADD/ADHD isn't so much though. Just that I tend to shift and move around a lot and that if I'm not distracted in some way while sitting or standing too long, I get nervous and my eyes unvisibly twitch. I have the common conversation of asking somebody if they see my eye twitching, while I feel & see it doing so, and they don't see anything at all. I'll even remove my glasses to give them a better look but they don't seem to see what I go through on a daily basis.

I would like to benifit from taking minutes out of my Satuday to post this. If not, I guess I'll just live in a silenced insanity for a while longer.

Farewell, and thank you for reading if you did so.

[LaLa]

Hello, Roxie, welcome

I'm glad that you've joined our community. I hope that communicating more about your problems will bring at least some relief and some new insights, ideas.

It seems that you'd really benefit from a professional help and it's a pity that your parents don't trust you in this regard. How many times did you talk to them about it?

I can see that the financial situation might be an obstacle, but there are probably always some possibilities of getting a free help. For instance, your school should have a counselor; does it? It would be a good place to start. He/she would be a sufficient authority to convince your parents that you really have problems which need to be treated.

Your dad is sadly influenced by his own childhood experiences and it seems he doesn't want to admit that somebody living in a much better environment than he did could have/develop similar problems. He surely wants you to be happy and it seems that he's "blindly projecting his ideal on you" - he's imposing on you the feelings that he'd like you to have and ignores the reality. (How about your mom, BTW?) It would be useless to blame him. But it's important to focus on the reality and try to improve your situation, your life.

So far, it's hard for me to suggest more that to see the school counselor - as a step toward a solution. But there are also some small things you could do for yourself in your every-day life, I suppose. Can't you really find anything that makes you feel better for some time? Or an activity that would "absorb" you so that you wouldn't think about your sadness and the suicide? Maybe you could try to find such an activity, even if you'd have to force yourself (a bit) to do it in the beginning (?). (You know; some people "escape the reality" by using alcohol or drugs, which I believe a smart girl like you would never do, but there are also many healthy and harmless "escapes", it's just hard to find them when one lacks motivation due to depression - however, you always can try and there's always hope you'll find something helping / soothing / distracting you from sad thoughts.)

Take care!

[LaLa]

Ou; you edited your post while I was writing!! I have to read the new version .

[Roxie]

My mother is an alcoholic, and I don't have a strong connection with her. I'll be honest, I don't enjoy her company much. My father went to the Dominican Republic to meet another women, but she bailed. My mother worked at the hotel my father stayed in and I guess there was some sort of connection.

I would say I haven't tried drugs or alcohol, but I'd be lying. I'm smart, but obviously not smart enough to try and escape with stupid things that I've watched others crash their whole life over.

My father once explained something to me. Something called "The Sins of out Forefathers." From what I understand, it explains that from the demons that your parents never truly got over, your life will be based on their mistakes. Which is quite unfortunate for me. My father dealing with abuse when he was younger and resulting to marijuana and alcohol, and my mother coming here and being consumed with greed for he finer things; Alcohol and spending money on unneeded things. I'm pretty sure you can understand what I'm dealing with on that side.

Along with seeing a school therapist. I am much to shy to do so. And I'm afraid I'll get too nervous to speak. Or worse. I'll start going more and my grades will result in thoughts being directed more on Mrs. Sey than my schoolwork.

Hello, Roxie, welcome

I'm glad that you've joined our community. I hope that communicating more about your problems will bring at least some relief and some new insights, ideas.

It seems that you'd really benefit from a professional help and it's a pity that your parents don't trust you in this regard. How many times did you talk to them about it?

I can see that the financial situation might be an obstacle, but there are probably always some possibilities of getting a free help. For instance, your school should have a counselor; does it? It would be a good place to start. He/she would be a sufficient authority to convince your parents that you really have problems which need to be treated.

Your dad is sadly influenced by his own childhood experiences and it seems he doesn't want to admit that somebody living in a much better environment than he did could have/develop similar problems. He surely wants you to be happy and it seems that he's "blindly projecting his ideal on you" - he's imposing on you the feelings that he'd like you to have and ignores the reality. (How about your mom, BTW?) It would be useless to blame him. But it's important to focus on the reality and try to improve your situation, your life.

So far, it's hard for me to suggest more that to see the school counselor - as a step toward a solution. But there are also some small things you could do for yourself in your every-day life, I suppose. Can't you really find anything that makes you feel better for some time? Or an activity that would "absorb" you so that you wouldn't think about your sadness and the suicide? Maybe you could try to find such an activity, even if you'd have to force yourself (a bit) to do it in the beginning (?). (You know; some people "escape the reality" by using alcohol or drugs, which I believe a smart girl like you would never do, but there are also many healthy and harmless "escapes", it's just hard to find them when one lacks motivation due to depression - however, you always can try and there's always hope you'll find something helping / soothing / distracting you from sad thoughts.)

Take care!

[LaLa]

Thanks for the broader picture. Well, what you've just described doesn't fit to my idea of "a mainly happy childhood" as you'd called yours in the 1st post...

There really is a psychological theory which says that we inherit the main mental problem(s) of our parents, do the same mistakes and/or that we try badly to live our life so that we will succeed in what they didn't succeed, ignoring our personal goals/preferences/wishes. But this theory is a base of one kind of therapy and it says also that identifying all those unhealthy connections to the parents and working on overcoming them can really help. So we are not condemned to live with the inherited burden all life long!

I think most of us are "too shy" in front of the decision to see a therapist. I've seen an awful lot of people here who were "too shy to do it" and I am myself a "good" example of a too long decision-making - I became suicidal (but never attempted it) when I was about 15, but... well, there were also better times during the following years, but... I was so stuck in my too many wrong convictions/prejudices that I waited until I was 27, when it became too bad again (and I was totally failing in my work due to my problems). So I can tell you also from my own experience that it's not good to wait too long, as too many things can get worse in the meantime.

Almost everybody is very nervous when seeing a therapist (/counselor) for the 1st time, and to many people it may take some time to became "habituated" to the talking. And it usually takes some time also to open up; you don't need to tell the most difficult things in the beginning; most if not all people don't! In my case, it took me more that half a year to "reveal" one of the biggest problems/issues to the therapist, but it was OK. Everything needs time, we have to become prepared for some things. But when you don't even start, then you can never achieve anything!

I hope you don't mind I mention so much about myself, but I think a concrete example might be useful. When I came for the 1st time to see my therapist (- a psychiatrist at the same time), I was crying almost all the time during the 1st meeting (and as I got to know later, it's not so very unusual). I felt unable to talk, I said only some stuff I considered "not very informative", ... it was quite a mess . But then, the 2nd time, it was already much better. What helped me a lot was having my main relevant thoughts written down. I gave it to the therapist so that he could read instead of listening to me, but he read it at home and encouraged me to talk instead. But having written notes with you may be always useful - you might read in case you don't feel like talking, for instance.

So, it seems that your "distraction" so far has been your schoolwork. That sounds fine. I see that you fear that therapy might interfere with it. Well, it could. But... it's always better to have thoughts about therapy to interfere than thought about suicide etc., isn't it??

I'm also surprised a bit that you wrote in the 1st post that you'd tried to convince your dad to take you to a professional (psych.), but now when we've identified that there is a possibility to do it (even without the agreement of your dad), you seem not wanting it.

[Roxie]

I'm quite confusing.. I confuse myself even. I want to go, but I'm also scared. I find it easier to organize seeing a therapist outside of school than while at school. Just so that I have a sort of..strict line of time to transition from schoolwork to more emotional topics, I suppose.

Plus, I also fear that if I go during school, maybe called out during class, close friends will know why I'm going and end up asking if I'm okay. Of course I want them to know that I'm dealing with this, but they tend to get annoyed by anything that has to do with depression when they aren't submerged in it themselves. They don't want somebody else to ruin their temprimental happiness with their problems. Like me. I tend to try and talk to them as much as I can without annoying them. Or at least I did till this school year started, then I went to my online friends instead. They seem to have a higher tolerance than my school buds, which I haven't quite figured out why. Maybe because they are more willing to help than my others, or just the fact that they are a couple years older and don't want me to go through whatever they might have gone through at my age. But you might know that better than I do, seeing as you've had your own downtime before.

It's just hard, and I'm at least glad I can talk to somebody that isn't quick to judge. Or maybe it's that I like starting fresh with people. No necessarily reliving my past, but being able to have somebody elses' perspective on things.

Thanks for the broader picture. Well, what you've just described doesn't fit to my idea of "a mainly happy childhood" as you'd called yours in the 1st post...

There really is a psychological theory which says that we inherit the main mental problem(s) of our parents, do the same mistakes and/or that we try badly to live our life so that we will succeed in what they didn't succeed, ignoring our personal goals/preferences/wishes. But this theory is a base of one kind of therapy and it says also that identifying all those unhealthy connections to the parents and working on overcoming them can really help. So we are not condemned to live with the inherited burden all life long!

I think most of us are "too shy" in front of the decision to see a therapist. I've seen an awful lot of people here who were "too shy to do it" and I am myself a "good" example of a too long decision-making - I became suicidal (but never attempted it) when I was about 15, but... well, there were also better times during the following years, but... I was so stuck in my too many wrong convictions/prejudices that I waited until I was 27, when it became too bad again (and I was totally failing in my work due to my problems). So I can tell you also from my own experience that it's not good to wait too long, as too many things can get worse in the meantime.

Almost everybody is very nervous when seeing a therapist (/counselor) for the 1st time, and to many people it may take some time to became "habituated" to the talking. And it usually takes some time also to open up; you don't need to tell the most difficult things in the beginning; most if not all people don't! In my case, it took me more that half a year to "reveal" one of the biggest problems/issues to the therapist, but it was OK. Everything needs time, we have to become prepared for some things. But when you don't even start, then you can never achieve anything!

I hope you don't mind I mention so much about myself, but I think a concrete example might be useful. When I came for the 1st time to see my therapist (- a psychiatrist at the same time), I was crying almost all the time during the 1st meeting (and as I got to know later, it's not so very unusual). I felt unable to talk, I said only some stuff I considered "not very informative", ... it was quite a mess . But then, the 2nd time, it was already much better. What helped me a lot was having my main relevant thoughts written down. I gave it to the therapist so that he could read instead of listening to me, but he read it at home and encouraged me to talk instead. But having written notes with you may be always useful - you might read in case you don't feel like talking, for instance.

So, it seems that your "distraction" so far has been your schoolwork. That sounds fine. I see that you fear that therapy might interfere with it. Well, it could. But... it's always better to have thoughts about therapy to interfere than thought about suicide etc., isn't it??

I'm also surprised a bit that you wrote in the 1st post that you'd tried to convince your dad to take you to a professional (psych.), but now when we've identified that there is a possibility to do it (even without the agreement of your dad), you seem not wanting it.

[LaLa]

Just few words now (I don't have much time):

It makes perfect sense to "want" and "not want" to go at the same time.

I don't think that a school counselor could call you out during class. That wouldn't be good for anybody! (S)He certainly has to work with you discreetly.

There are many assumptions in your image of the work of a school counselor. What about finding out the information?

It's good that you've found at least some on-line friends who are willing to listen to your problems and understand... Well, "ordinary" teenagers don't want to deal with this kind of problems and they (or most of them?) are not experienced enough to be empathetic and aware of the impacts that their refusal and rejection may have on their depressed friends...

[Roxie]

The counselor will call the teacher of the class the student is in and ask to see them. The teacher goes to the student to tell them and they leave class. It's usually the last 15-20 minutes and then I usually see the student walking to their next class from the counselors office. That's how our school works. That's how it was in middle school. I don't know about elementry.. They say it's confidencial, but I'm not so sure. and even if it is, I know that they would end up telling my parents my problems anyways. Not like they will do anything to help.

My friends will come to me and say all their problems to me, but then when I want my turn they don't seem to listen as well as I did for them and all they say is the horrid words 'I'm sorry.' I find it rather cold of them to do this, but I just ignore it and don't tell them anything.

Just few words now (I don't have much time):

It makes perfect sense to "want" and "not want" to go at the same time.

I don't think that a school counselor could call you out during class. That wouldn't be good for anybody! (S)He certainly has to work with you discreetly.

There are many assumptions in your image of the work of a school counselor. What about finding out the information?

It's good that you've found at least some on-line friends who are willing to listen to your problems and understand... Well, "ordinary" teenagers don't want to deal with this kind of problems and they (or most of them?) are not experienced enough to be empathetic and aware of the impacts that their refusal and rejection may have on their depressed friends...

[LaLa]

Oh, sorry; I didn't know it works that way in your school . It's weird... Maybe you could at least ask if it would be possible to do it only after your classes.

But the fact that (s)he would inform your parents would be positive - they don't believe you that you need help, but they might believe a professional authority. After this change, you might see a therapist - out of school, of course. The school psychologist would be just ... "a means to initiate the process of change".

I can understand that you've become allergic to the sentence "I'm sorry." However, I wonder if it might also cause an additional problem: Aren't you too upset by this reaction, not wanting to talk more, thus preventing "a deeper conversation"? Maybe some of your friends would be able to say also more, but you're too repelled by this first reaction. (To be honest, I don't suppose this is probable; I believe that you have tried but failed to find their understanding, but I'm asking about this possibility because... who knows; maybe there's a mistake also on your side (-that you easily give up due to their 1st reaction).)

[Roxie]

Once I read their apology for my problems, it can have two different effects on me.

One; I will say that it's fine and then we'll continue or end our conversation. Depending on how awkward the other feels after I tell them. (While writing this I realized, maybe it's because I tell them too much at one time and they don't process it quickly enough.)

Two; I tell them, and they say they are sorry. But I care so much for whoever it is, and I tell them I'll be fine and flaunt a smile to reassure them.

Sorry for the short reply by the way.

Oh, sorry; I didn't know it works that way in your school . It's weird... Maybe you could at least ask if it would be possible to do it only after your classes.

But the fact that (s)he would inform your parents would be positive - they don't believe you that you need help, but they might believe a professional authority. After this change, you might see a therapist - out of school, of course. The school psychologist would be just ... "a means to initiate the process of change".

I can understand that you've become allergic to the sentence "I'm sorry." However, I wonder if it might also cause an additional problem: Aren't you too upset by this reaction, not wanting to talk more, thus preventing "a deeper conversation"? Maybe some of your friends would be able to say also more, but you're too repelled by this first reaction. (To be honest, I don't suppose this is probable; I believe that you have tried but failed to find their understanding, but I'm asking about this possibility because... who knows; maybe there's a mistake also on your side (-that you easily give up due to their 1st reaction).)

[LaLa]

No need to apologize .

Well, I should say that I cannot give you any advise in this context which would be based on my experiences, as I've never talked about very private and "unpleasant" issues with any friend. But I've had some very close and strong friendships in which we shared also some of our deep pains; but in every case, it was shared in letters, not in person. I spent nice time with the friends in person, but we didn't discuss "most unpleasant/personal topics"; we were only writing about them in letters (you know; it was in the "before internet/e-mail time" , so the letters were written by hand). It was very convenient to both of us. (One of these friends is now my husband, BTW - he was the only-one I became able to also talk about the problems with.)

But I'm going back to the school psychologist and your fear of being seen to go there and asked questions about it (by your classmates). I'd say that your friends already know that you have "problems to talk about" (so wouldn't be so surprised), while the other guys in the class are not important - you don't have to answer them and you don't have to care what they think.

I think you're scared by possible "stigmatization", but... there's one think about stigmatization of patients/clients of psychiatrists/psychologists I consider important: The patients/clients themselves contribute a bit to the persistence of the stigmatization by their efforts to hide their treatment/therapy, by their efforts to "look normal". I think that we, the patients, could do something against the prejudices (which might affect us), too: We may present our therapy to others as "normal", as something we aren't ashamed for because there's no reason to be ashamed: If we feel a shame (and express it, for instance by our behaviour, by the efforts to hide the truth), then we give a signal to others that there is something to be ashamed for.

What do you think?

[LaLa]

How are you, Roxie?