Avoidant Personality

[goose]

If you don't mind I find writing down what troubles me a relief and it helps me from having the thoughts swimming in my mind.

I was diagnosed in the past with APD and a major aspect of this is fear of rejection. I tend not to put myself into situations where I will be rejected or percieve that there is a possibity (real or otherwise) of rejection.

If I do feel rejected I tend to want to hide away from the world, and would love to do this at times only for the fact that I have responsibilities i.e. children and mortgage etc.

I have written in another post about my Dad's illness, he had a stroke 3 years ago and eventually made a remarkable recovery. He is very ill again and I am overwhelmed by it. I want to spend time with him but any time I get put off visiting him I feel very rejected and then am reluctant to try to visit as the fear of rejection overwhelms me. It dosn't help that my brother (his carer) makes it difficult for me to visit. 2 of my siblings don't visit because of problems with my brother also. Although it would be the rejection by my Dad that would be devestating.

I have spent a lot of time with my Dad over the years, I was just thinking this morning maybe those memories are enough for me. Or are the thoughts of my Dads mortality too much for me?

[IrmaJean]

Hi goose. It's good to express yourself. We're here to listen to and support one another.

My father has also had a stroke and now he has associated dementia from it. There have also been moments of tension between myself and my brothers about how to proceed with his care. The situation has brought up and continues to bring up many feelings for me. It's very hard. I'm sorry this is difficult for you. I hope you have friends there to offer you support and care through this.

I think that, as you work with your therapist and you begin to feel better about yourself, any potential rejection won't have so much power. I also know this type of situation can be very challenging and painful. You know yourself best and what you are able to tolerate.

I don't know how much help I am...I know how difficult this can be and I'm still trying to manage in my family situation. I think Kent has a good idea about giving your father something of you, if that feels comforting for both of you.

I did want to offer my support. Take gentle care, Goose.

[malign]

We don't mind you writing down what's in your head, goose. It's kinda why we have this site ... so, no worries about being rejected here.

I too have been diagnosed with Avoidant PD (one of the diagnoses I agree with.) I encounter it maybe a little differently: my social anxiety (and therefore fear of rejection) have diminished, but there's still an element of something, perfectionism perhaps, a dislike for taking risks ...

They say it's related to one's "attachment style", if you've read about that. I can definitely see what they mean: if as a young child (the test is usually done with one-year-olds), you don't get consistent feedback from your parents about the safety of venturing out into the world versus the feeling of being welcomed back and comforted when something goes wrong, as it inevitably does at that age, I can easily see how that would make a lasting impression on one's adult life. And there's a strong correlation between parents' own experience of the world and how they respond to their one-year-olds. But researchers also hold out hope of changing one's style ...

And my experience with dying parents is limited to the loss of my mother, where the circumstances were again different. But I do wonder whether you would regret a conscious choice to avoid your father near the end, because of the difficulties with your brother. What reasons does your brother give to make it difficult to visit? I even wondered whether you and your siblings might be able to share your father's care, if that would give you more contact with him before he passes.

My ex had difficulty with me having any contact with my parents after the marriage. So, I didn't get to spend any time with my mother during her illness, until the last day, when I snuck over to see her without the ex knowing. By that time, she was unable to speak or respond, though her eyes were open. Still, I think she knew I was there ... and if she didn't, _I_ knew I was there. She died that evening. I got to tell her I loved her before she went. There is nothing I can imagine that could replace that.