Im trying to leave a friendship of 5 yrs

[Confusedaily]

I'm going to the d.a. tomorrow. I'm sure with everything I have on him. They can help me. I havnt told half of what this scrazy dumb ass has put me thru. I'm strong enough to reach out here. Then I'm strong enough to break free. Thank u all

[IrmaJean]

Best of luck to you, confused.

[Luna-]

Let us know how it goes. if you like?

[Confusedaily]

UPDATE... The Athorities believed me. I'm getting help from them. I have moved, and he's in jail. His bail is over a million so I doubt he will be out soon. I'm finally safe and so are others. Now I have to figure out how to live without him. The brainwashing he did is wow. Now that he's gone I don't know how to function. How do I deprogram???

[Luna-]

Wow, cd, I am happy for you. Well done! Can you afford to go to a therapist? If not can you join a support group, maybe one for people with PTSD? Both would be of help.

[Confusedaily]

I'm on fixed income. But I do hv medical. I just don't know where to start. So I'm back here. A theripest I dont know. But a support group yes. Support. For what tho? For stupid people that allow others to get into their head and control them for 5 long years. Shutting everyone out cuz he said I had to cuz all I needed was him. Sure a group hu? Wow. I think I need sergery and have removed from my brain.

[Confusedaily]

Befor now I knew what had to be done.I knew right and wrong. If it didn't feel right I didn't do it even when he asked or told me. And I knew I had to leave. There was and end to all this. I saw that. Well its the end damn it. So stop. He's in my head more now. I went to take a shower few hours ago. I reached for my ph to tx him and let him know. I'm still sitting on end of my bed with ph in hand crying like a baby. I can't tx him. He's not here. So I'm back with you all. And I still want my shower.. pitiful hu? I can't even get clean without permisssion. What the hell. I need help. Guess I'm not so strong after all. I'm writing this as I'm thinking it. Firgive me if I make no scence. Its all about him. Gotta bow. Gotta listen. Gotta obey. I miss him horrably. I need him. No I don't. That crazy stupid stupid man took 5 years of my life. I hate him. I hope he rots in prison. But I love him. All day thoughts like this are in my head. I think often I should hv just shut up and obeyed. My life was good he saw to that. As long as I obeyed. I forgot how to live without him. I hate him!!!!!!!

[Confusedaily]

Befor now I knew what had to be done.I knew right and wrong. If it didn't feel right I didn't do it even when he asked or told me. And I knew I had to leave. There was and end to all this. I saw that. Well its the end damn it. So stop. He's in my head more now. I went to take a shower few hours ago. I reached for my ph to tx him and let him know. I'm still sitting on end of my bed with ph in hand crying like a baby. I can't tx him. He's not here. So I'm back with you all. And I still want my shower.. pitiful hu? I can't even get clean without permisssion. What the hell. I need help. Guess I'm not so strong after all. I'm writing this as I'm thinking it. Firgive me if I make no scence. Its all about him. Gotta bow. Gotta listen. Gotta obey. I miss him horrably. I need him. No I don't. That crazy stupid stupid man took 5 years of my life. I hate him. I hope he rots in prison. But I love him. All day thoughts like this are in my head. I think often I should hv just shut up and obeyed. My life was good he saw to that. As long as I obeyed. I forgot how to live without him. I hate him!!!!!!!

[IrmaJean]

We're here listening, confused. I hear that you are having mixed feelings right now. I hope it helps to express yourself here. Is there a part of you that can be gentle with you? I'm sorry for your pain.

[Luna-]

Oh Cd, I can hear your distress...

There is help available for what you are going through. You have been abused and traumatised and that is devastating to a person's spirit. There are others who have been through what you are going through now and would truly understand.

Finding a therapist is probably the best thing you can do to get help with getting through this. I don't know how things work in the US (which I assume is where you are?) but you should be able to find a therapist through... there is an organisation... National Alliance for Mental Health or something. NAMI? (help, US folks?). They have a website and on there you can find support groups in your area and maybe therapists, if not therapists, the people who run support groups will be able to tell you.

Support groups are people like you who have been through what you have. Don't beat yourself up, you are not stupid, no-one is. They are full of people in a similar situation who have survived this. Who loved their abusers and were hurt by them.

Is there a shelter for abused women in your area? They would know of therapists and may be worth a phone call.

If that doesn't work you can go to your ordinary doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist.

There is online help, too. We have a sub-forum for people who have been abused here: Abuse & Bullying, but unfortunately I don't know how many people are reading there, it has been quiet recently. There are some. It's worth a post there to see if anyone replies.

If not, there is a much larger community over at Crazyboards. and they also have such a sub-forum (PTSD and Trauma) there. It's a private forum that only registered users can enter, to protect people whose abusers are stalking them. They're very supportive. If you want to join there, PM me if you have a problem with registering. (They have a little process to keep out spammers.)

It takes time to recover. There are pieces to pick up but it is do-able. You have done the bravest thing already.

Talk as much as you want. We are listening.

Hugs

[Confusedaily]

Thank u irma. And luna. Wow when I just read yout post st the end I'm crying. It'd neen s long tme scence someone cared. And we arnt even in same country thank u. I didn't count on any of this. I fought against him all tme when I cought him programing others. If I saw what he was doing snd he sllowed me to. Then he can't fo it to me. Ohhh how wrong. I think I got the best part of his sick sick mind. I'm the worse outta his people. I was the closest to him. And I didn't know tjst I also was the one that he mind f#%# the most. I can't function he has me so messed up in the head. Leaving and turning hm in to the police was the easy part. It was right. It was what I was suppose to do. Good wins everytime ovet evil. But this? This pain is klling me. He's my drug. I'm addicted to him. I need him to feel mormal. That's sick...where is my power?? Why can't I stop this sick thinking.

[IrmaJean]

I’m sorry for your pain and confusion. My heart goes out to you.

What you are describing can occur when someone suffers abuse over a long period of time. A therapist may be able to help you with the trauma you’ve endured, confused.

Are you able to connect with aspects of yourself? Maybe it also helps to find something grounding when these emotions come over you. Even just something to hold might help.

We’re here too to listen and support you.

Take gentle care of yourself.

Edited April 2, 2013 by IrmaJean
adding

[Confusedaily]

Take gental care if yourself...... that's beautiful. Thank you. Take gental care of me. Wow. Thank you.

[Confusedaily]

My md gave me a referal to a sycholigist. An. d a few support groups. Went to my 1st one today. And it was 1st time I've been out in months. I was terrified. I kept thinking I was gunna see him. I didn't hv permission to go. I know its dumb. I mean I had an armed. Officer in plain cloths with me. She stays with me. ( I did say the d.a. was helping me right?. So nothing to fear. Wrong I walked our of the meeting 20 min into it. Could nt get home fast enough. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.. I CANT DO THIS. I WANT HIM OUT. HE NEEDS COME HOME TO ME. !!!! and my testamony is gunna put him away for life. I CANT

[IrmaJean]

Hi confused. I'm sorry today was such a struggle for you. I hear that you are frightened. You took a big step forward going out and trying to get support for yourself. I hope you are able to feel proud of yourself for that.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.. I CANT DO THIS. I WANT HIM OUT. HE NEEDS COME HOME TO ME. !!!! and my testamony is gunna put him away for life. I CANT

I'm here and listening. I hear that this is very difficult and frustrating for you. You've been abused and traumatized. It's confusing and this hurts.

Do you have any other kind of support there, confused? Maybe next time it will be less frightening to go to therapy? You can always come here and express yourself too.

I hope you take good care of you.

[Confusedaily]

Thank you irma. I read my quote. Wow. Confusedaily does fit. Today was a good day. And no he needs to stay right where he's at. FOR LIFE!!! no one deserves what he's put me thru. Not even me. He can't hurt us anymore. Or start on someone new. I will beat this. I will servive. And no I have no support but me. He made sure of it. But I will I promise that. I'm gunna be fine. I just want to move on. I'm stuck here until his trial is over. Thank u all for reading my posts.

[IrmaJean]

It's great that you had a good day. Yes, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I hear your resilient spirit, confused. I stand by you in this.

I hope your day today was serene. Take care.

[Luna-]

I think you will start to see those good days creeping in - perhaps not every day at first, but more and more. You have that fighting spirit. Wish you well in your every day.

What was it that overwhelmed your about the group, can you (do you want to) say?

[Confusedaily]

Thank u for all of your support. I did get s hold of a theripist. But my first visit is so far away. This is really all I hv. Its a place to go and hash my day ouf. So I'm here daily. The group? I don't know really. I sat down and the spoke was suffering from physical pain. A car accident and a shooting. I thought how can I start talling about head games. Wow. Then I thought I don't belong here. These people really are suffering. I paniced and left. Ya dumb I know.

[Confusedaily]

Tomorrow is court. Im not allowed. I've been told he will know it was me who turned him in. I will get a cout date tomorrow also to testify. I'm scared he will look for me. Send people. This. Is far from over. Ill let u know tomorrow night how it all goes

[Luna-]

Ya dumb I know.

I don't think so. You went with your gut instinct. From being under someone's control, you stepped out and acted on your own instinct. I think that is quite a big thing. Maybe it is early days yet and it would be easier to speak to a therapist first. I am so glad you feel that you feel you can come here every day, online support is really a great thing.

Yeah, do let us know how it goes...

[Confusedaily]

He received part of his discovery today. I heard my name was blacked out but I'm sure he knows. He's still pleading inicent. Soon he will start blaming me. He always does. I think its easy to come here cuz this is where it started. I was on internet researching and reading everything. On narssissustic socialpaths when I found this site. I started planning my departure over a year ago. My mind was already madeup when I came here. What's worse because I wanted to leave andi saw him for what he really is. I've had long talks with him. Helping him. I didn't think I was abused like I am. My whole world my whole life was about him. I see it now. I want to throw up just thinking of the control he had. Still has. Or if he was around. He would. I mean I need to release him from my head. But I can't. I think I need to work on how I allowed him in in the first place. Honestly I don't feel traumatized or abused. So its hard at times to heal. Mind games are ugly. With as close as he allowed me to get to him. I'm sure I am damaged alot more than what I know. My soul was badly injured in his attacks. How does someone repare that? I never deserved what he did to me. But boy I sure took it like a champ. I would never dream of hurting people the was he does. This fact alone makes me so much better than him. I like me today. I didn't allow court to consume my day. I painted instead. I'm an artist. I don't think I spoke on it. A damn good one. Or use to be. Id love for u all to see my flowers I did today. They are rather nice. I forgot how quiet my mind gets when I paint. And amazed that he wasn't there at all. Yes today was a good day. :-)

[IrmaJean]

It's wonderful that you like you today. Practicing kindness and compassion with yourself can be healing too. It may take some time to heal from this. I hope therapy is helpful to you. We are here too.

Art is a beautiful way to express yourself, CD. If it also helps you to connect with yourself and feel inner serenity, that is wonderful. I would love to see your flowers. I love flowers. What colors are they? I'll bet they are beautiful. I hope you have another good day. :-)

[Confusedaily]

White and pink. Alot like cherry blossoms.

[IrmaJean]

Pink flowers.