Im trying to leave a friendship of 5 yrs

[Confusedaily]

Thank u. I'm on a phone and I trird that. Even tryed putting in on my profile pic. Image to big. Ill figure it out. Tho.. thx anyways.

Well I was right. He knows its me. I've been moved to a safer spot. I'm using someones ph cuz I turned mine off. This man is behind bars and he has his family acting like nothing wrong. His brother came tried speaking to me. How he needs me. What did I do to him as to not write or pay for his calls. And wow how I need to put money on his books. SERIOUSLY!!!!! he wants from me????? He sent his brother. His brother was arrested in my livingroom on badgering a witness. He didn't tell his family. He still wants to take from me. !!!? I don't understand? He's not mad cus I put him there. He's mad cuz I wont spend money on him. WHAT THE???!!!! logical hell no! This is the shit he does to me. He never gets mad at me. He never tells anyone what I do to him. This is where I would worry because he would send alot of b.s. my way until he thought I was punished enough. It confuses me. Admit defeat damn it!!! And leave me alone. Come on narsissistic ppl walk way all time when they can't get what they want or need. WHY. CANT HE??? now I've been moved to insure my safty. All comunication to outside cut off. Again I PAY FOR HIS STUPIDNESS. IM CAPTIVE ONCE AGAIN. WOW

[Confusedaily]

He wants to know how I can leave him broke. When did I stop loving him. He's confused and hurt by this. REALLY??? THIS MAN NEEDS TO STOP

[malign]

He does need to stop, Cd, but then so do you. He may be crazy, but if you react you let him make you crazy too. I know it must be very difficult, especially if it forces you into confinement as well, but if you let him (or his brother) get to you, then their witness tampering will have worked.

You're stronger than that.

[Confusedaily]

I don't know how.

[Confusedaily]

Thank u Malign. My answer to ur post was wrong. When I read but then so do u. It afended me.and u let him make you crazy. DAH THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING. HELLO!!!! MAN NOBODY LISTENS. IM WRONG. EVERYONE LLISTENS. IM NOT HEARING. RIGHT? Only one I hear is him. Part of the programing isn't it. I think why did I allow this msn to have all my power. How did it happen. Doesn't matter how at this moment. Only thing matters is taking back my powrer

it doednt belong to him. Its mine. And me screaming I can't. I don't know how. I'm weak. THAT HIM. He would run to me. Tell me I'm not this pitiiful useless person he programed me to be. After all he loves me. Look. Who he is. He don't surround himself with weak people. He would throw. A few more lies at me. Always made sure I had everyhlthing I needed including him befor he left.IVE BEEN ALLOWING THIS.?? Malign ur right I am stronger. He knows it. He has taken my power and used it against me by making sure its his. These games that are played are so worped sick. I mean sick crazy and some ugly. Not even in movies can they cover how dark twisted mind of a narsissistic person. I've been abused and destroyed by one of tje masters.

[Confusedaily]

Step by step. Inch by inch. I WILL TAKE BACK ALL MY POWER. I PROMISE MYSELF!!!"

[IrmaJean]

Good for you, CD. You can find your way through this. I hear your inner strength and resiliency.

Does it help to connect with yourself? Have you been painting?

Take care of you.

[Luna-]

Step by step. Inch by inch. I WILL TAKE BACK ALL MY POWER. I PROMISE MYSELF!!!"

You go, girl. With this attitude, you will make it through.

[Confusedaily]

Yes I have. Art supplys are hard to get where I'm at. I did bring my paints. I'm painting on rocks. There's millions of them here. A bank canvas waiting for me. I forgot how peaceful and quiet my thoughts are while I paint. I get such joy and self satisfaction from it. I think back at mine and his beginning. I painted him a oakland raider plaqe. I was so proud. He didn't even say thank u. I should hv seen it then. Shortly after that I lost interest. Never painted or sketched again. I HATE HIM. I'm mad at mysrlf for allowing this. I watched him program others. I e ven helped him with some. How did he get me? This isn't cool. I vanished off this earth while with him. Really the only one who spoke or saw me on a daily bases was him. And I was more than ok with it. My god its just sick. That I know of I'm the only one who has broke free from him. Well I'm trying. And still can't post my paintings. I'm on a android phone. No computer at all. Thank u all for your great support.:-)

[Luna-]

I am glad you have the phone.

Well done for breaking free.

[Confusedaily]

Thank u. Breakng free was the easy part. I need to secure my place daily of no him. Then soon I hope he will vanish forever in my brain

[IrmaJean]

It's so wonderful that you are able to feel peaceful and self-connected when you paint, cd. Would it help to describe one of your beautiful paintings to us?

I hope your day is peaceful, healing and serene.

[Confusedaily]

I can do better than discribe. I hsve a laptop I get to use tomorrow. Ill put my memery card in and post it for you. My mother in law passed away sun. That's why I get the laptop. So I can talk to my family. It sucks ill miss her funeral. They have no idea what I'm going thru. I'm not allowed to tell them. For my safty.. its so hard. I think only one who knows why I'm missing is my daughter. We communicate thru email. But she doesn't know where I am. As long as I'm safe she says.I've been told the group I went to and ran out of. I shouldn't go anymore. Someone might see me. And the theripist? Same thing. Until the trial is over, you all here is all I have. And I don't kbow any of you. So if you don't mind I want. To keep posting or ill go crazy if I can't speak to anyone abt this. Thank u all for reading and ur support. Maybe some day ill meet u or chat on phone. Id love for you to know me. Even my email is fake. I've been erased. I hate him. How can so much evil be in one body. No good at all. If he did show good all bad came from it. I can't say good bye or help put my mom to rest because of this man. He sits in his sell not even tripping on anyone. Cuz he dont care. My life imgas crumbled, fell apart. Been erased. And don't know how I'm going to fix me. He did this. Well I allowed it I guess. I did and didn't. I don't know. I'm over thinking. Sorry. Point is I care. Hes incapable of it. I've been dreaming of him. Nothing bad. But when I wake I remember its him. For whatever reason. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. Thanks again for hanging in with me. :-)

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry for your loss, cd.

This situation of having to hide must be very upsetting and stressful. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it's a great idea for you to continue posting as much as you like. You could also start your own blog and write about your thoughts and feelings if you choose to.

I've been erased.

I understand that you feel erased, and that must be painful. I "see" you and sense your presence. Have you ever tried closing your eyes and feeling the sensations of your body? Breathing in and out, noticing the sensations of your heart beating, and feeling the life energy force within you...This can be self-connective and grounding for me. Maybe it could help you too?

I'm happy to listen and be here for you, cd.

I'll be looking forward to see your artwork.

Edited April 17, 2013 by IrmaJean
adding

[malign]

Mmm, I agree with Beth (IrmaJean): you haven't been erased. They've just made it a lot harder for him to find you.

You exist. That's you in the mirror over there. :-)

And we hear you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother in law. And I'm sure she would rather you were safe, than go to her funeral and maybe not be.

[Confusedaily]

True and thank u both. Its jus one day I was there and next I'm gone. And yes it has to be hard to find me. My female companion #1. She's with me most of time. Has told me he's started look for me. I want to tell I know I jump around alot in my posts. And have big gaps in my stories. Expecially pertaining to hin. Its only because my post are edited befor I post them by my #1. I've never done this befor. Hell ill write his name age blood type and soc sec #. I dont care. :-) so she edits for me then posts. I've noticed it doesn't really matter tho. Abt him or the trail. Ur support is all centered on me. No one asked questions except when its asked abt me. Little hard to do. I'm not use to it. Its always been him. I remember having surgery after a car accedent that nearly took my life.and when I came home. Everyone asked how am I doing to him. You know normal caring questions. Because. It wasn't about him he told ppl I went to my sisters ciz I was mad at him cuz he wouldn't come by and spend anytime with me like he use to. The car accedent was a lie. I wasn't allowed to ever be put 1st. No matter what. So I made sure I stayed 2nd always. And it someone praised me. I quickly made it about him. My god. Writing this I relized this is why I stoped painting. Oh wow.

[Confusedaily]

Thatss how he did it. Why didn't I see this. Wow something so simple. His body lauguadge controled me. In conversations while he was there. Little movments of his shoulders or the way he shook his head. Even makng lil coments under his breath. It all told me. ( make them stop! Its not about me anymore. If u don't ill get mad and hurt u) so u bet I put it all back on him. I feared him. Doesn't make scence cuz I had massive love for him as well. What a sick bastad.

[Confusedaily]

I figred it out.laptop didn't come. So I kept trying. I have my painting is my wall paper. What do u think.? This pretty painting came outta somthing so bad. My talent my artistic side of me. I shut up anf stored it deep inside me so he canr taint it.

[IrmaJean]

It's absolutely gorgeous, cd! So beautiful. I love pink flowers. He can't taint that. It's your beauty. Your light shines brightly.

Thank you for sharing.

[Luna-]

Beautiful, cd!

[Confusedaily]

Thank u. Not bad for someone who hasn't painted in ovr 5 yrs. He was so jealious. Thnk god I hid it. Its only thing left of me. I'm using this to fight back and take all of me back. I want to yell at the top of my lungs. HOW DARE YOU. SHAME ON YOU. shame on me to for allowing it. Last few days I've been angry with myself. How why. When I relized what was happening. It was to late. He had me. He came to me one night our 1 year together. Told me all abt him. His abuse as a child. His horrable mom. He said he was mafe to go to counciling and took meds to calm the voices. (Personalities) that night I spoke to 2 others within him. The fearful lil boy. And the mighty soldier. These two I spoke to on almost daily bases for 5 yrs. That night he said.... do I scare you? U can leave if I do. I want u to stay and help me. He started to cry. I gv him a hug told him no I wasn't scare and id help. HOOK!! I should hv said ya u scsre the hell outts me. I'm seeing 1 man and speaking to 3. Get the hell out. Wow and he says I'm crazy. I should hv ran far away. Wow. U all know the poem footsteps in the sand. Where the lord csrried him in tough times. Well I'm doing this alone. My healing. U want to look back on hiw I did it. And during the rough times see 1set of foot prints. And ill say look I carried myself thru. Corney hu?

[IrmaJean]

No, not corny. Powerful.

No one can take your gifts from you, cd. They are yours to keep.

I hope you have a serene day.

[Confusedaily]

I'm not feeling to powerful these days. But some day yes. I know I can't give up or give in. Cuz no one is going to heal me but me. And I'm worth that. Thank u irma.

[IrmaJean]

Feel free to call me Beth.

It's okay to not feel powerful. I admire your spirit. Yes, you are worth it. :-)

Take gentle care of you.

[Confusedaily]

Thank u beth. One day ill be able to adk the same of you. (My name)

Power. Is you people. Just one sentence is all it take. Ur posts bring such joy and pain. I cry almost everytime I read who replies. And its simple. Everyday good emotions I wasnt allowed to have. So everyone who has posted in my topic. Hats off I bow tog u all. Your awesome and your posts will help heal me. That's power. :-)