Im trying to leave a friendship of 5 yrs

[Confusedaily]

Today was horrible. It was like being in a twighlight movie. I had to go pick up my belongings that a friend was storing for me. From my 1st move. She lives abt a block from where I. Lived..we were loading my car when I saw him. He was standing in her back bdrm window watching us. I asked why he here. She said he wanted to see me he missed me. Shee then started telling me how he not same. Everyone missed me. On and on. It took abt an hour. Whole time he didn't move. Even when she spoke to him. He talked but dudnt take his focus off me. It was creepy.few others came over. All conversation was him. It was sick to listen to. I went to lock the shed and couldn't find my lock. My friend went into house and came back with a new. Lock. She said it was from him. I said no tjank u. I found my lock as I was leaving he was gone from the window. Its was weitd. Now I can't get himouyta my head once more

[IrmaJean]

It sounds as though you are holding your ground and doing your very best to cope with this, Donna. I'm sorry it is so difficult and confusing for you. I can imagine it is that much more difficult when you continue to run into your ex.

Have you painted anything recently?

[Confusedaily]

He puts himself in my path. He makes sure I see him. I want to run up on him and just beat him up. Its frustrating. I threw a rock at him few days ago. Hit him in leg. He didn't even move. His facial expression didn't change. It was scary. And he never speaks anymore. Just stands and watches. Eww!!

Yes I've been painting groups of rocks.ill post a few. Thank u for asking :-)1

[IrmaJean]

Pretty rocks!

Maybe it helps to focus on yourself, Donna? How has therapy been going?

[malign]

I bet it's more fun painting them than throwing them. :-)

It sounds to me like he's approaching what would officially be called stalking. Have you considered getting a protective order?

[Confusedaily]

My theripy is going slow. So I think. Ny mind is so messed up theropy probebly wont work either. But my dr. Said I'm making progress. :-) I hv a pritective order on him. Scence his release from jail seems the police wont do shit for me now. So I just ignore him. Or try to.

[Confusedaily]

i wrnt to my first group on COMPLEX PTSD. It was good. The speaker is recovering from narc abuse. Finally thank god I'm not alone. Another woman was married to a sociopath for 15 yrs. I can relate to all the stories. There are abt 9 in this group. We meet every sat. And hey.... IM NOT CRAZY JUST ABUSED. AND I CAN BE HEALED. love you all. I can't rven express. I think this topic is closed. I will be posting on my recovery. And hope I can help others ad u all did me. Again many thanks. :-)

[Confusedaily]

And yes he officially is my stalker. He may get in my yard. But he qill never get in my head

[IrmaJean]

It's great that you are feeling stronger, Donna.

I hope group and individual therapy continue to be helpful to you.

If you'd like, you can always start a new thread or you can stay in this one. It's up to you.

Take gentle care of you. :-)

[Confusedaily]

I may be outta line with tbis. Or on wrong site. Ud like to start a new thread. But I want to talk to people who are like my abuser.people that suffer from same abuse as myself. Ir jus abused. Is this allowed here?

[malign]

Donna, the major difficulty I see with this is just that you might have a hard time finding people who will admit voluntarily to being "like your abuser". On the other hand, there have definitely been people that I've met here who had been abused in similar ways to you. I'm not sure whether any of them visit the site regularly any more, though.

We allow pretty much anything that's supportive of other people. So why not start a new thread and see what happens? We'll let you know if it's causing some kind of problem.

[Confusedaily]

Did you know a mother spider milk is very sweet. Much sweeter than a humans...

I guess sociopaths kindness is kinda like that. Their good is so good. Its far better than normal people. Yes they have to fake it. But we arnt suppose to know that. I miss hm. I miss his kindness.

Really the spider story has nothing to do with this. I jus found it interesting. :-)

[finding my way]

Attachment issues are so very tough :(

Could this be a bit about contrast? There is so much relief that your attachment figure is behaving kindly that it seems extra good.

It's ok to want kindness in your life... maybe you can reach for that minus the sociopath?

[Confusedaily]

I know 5 years isn't really that long. Conpared to my life of 50 years. But wow has tje damage been so sevear. That's why I'm having such a hard time finding me in all this ugly mess. I know I need to be kinder to myself

More gental. Also be very strong and keep life about me and only me.

I can say it a million times. And can't do it once. My theripest said keep telling myself that. Soonmy actions will follow. I don't know

[Confusedaily]

I'm losing my mind. !!!!!!!! Im not understanding anythng. I can't do everything. Nothing makes scence. Its all him. Every part of me is him. I hate him. He needs to get out of my head. Even the way I sleep. Walk talk stand dress. Its all him. I did it for him.what hell!!!!!!!!!! He needs to stop breathing. How can a horrable creature like him be allowed to exsist. My god he's all bad. All bad. He had no right taking me from myself. Shame on me for allowing it. Is this punishment.? No one deserves what I'm going thru. Our minds are ours alone. How dare u come in and think ur

staying. Get out get out. Man!!!!!!!!

My dr wants me in the hosp for med change and deprograming. Deprograming? What thehell is that? Isn't that what I'm doing. Finding me. Healing. What does he mean? I asked and he said we qill discuss it at ur intake. HELL NO. WE WILL DISCUSS IT NOW. its complicated. This man has programed you perfectly to him. We have to deprogram ur brain so u think for urself. Not him. Wow I left his office even more confused. I'm not going to the hosp or back to see him. I'm thru with therapy

[Luna-]

It will take time, I'm sure. Step by step, one day at a time. Each day will be further along than the previous. Just focus on today.

[IrmaJean]

Can you call your doctor and ask him for more information?

Do you like nature, Donna? I enjoy sitting outside in nature. It helps to calm me and then I feel serene and self-connected. What feels restorative for you? Would it help to paint something? Maybe it helps to find something grounding to do when you begin to feel lost to you.

I'm sorry this is so painful and difficult.

[Confusedaily]

I've had no contact with him or anyone who knows him in several weeks. Its been few months sence I left. Why now. Why is everything so comlicated. veryday life. Down to how I deal with stress. I was over welmed other day. I sat down bent over put my head down and relaxed my head in my hands while I breathed. It started to calm me. Then I heard him (THERE FEEL BETTER NOW) and I felt his hand on back of my neck.

he had me do this when I was stressed out. I started crying. I hate him. I went to my room put my headphones on and listen to music. I felt better after a bit. Then relized thats how I deal with stress. Just simple things he contro. Wow

[IrmaJean]

If you have PTSD from his abuse, it can take some time to heal. There might be times when you are triggered that send you back to the painful emotions of the past. With trauma it can feel as if you are reliving it. I'm sorry for your struggle and pain. It can help to do something grounding that brings you back to the present and to you. Maybe you could work with your therapist (if you decide to go back) on a plan of action and steps to take when you are feeling distressed. That way you can be empowered to help yourself. Also, when you do something to help yourself (from a biological standpoint) you are creating new pathways and connections in your brain. One day at a time...

I hope today is peaceful for you, Donna.

Edited June 20, 2013 by IrmaJean
adding

[Confusedaily]

I think I've stated befor that I'm 50. I live in california. U grew up listening to my mom music. Elvis,, patsy cline. More elvis than anyone. My mom finally saw him same year he died. So I listen to rock. As a teen there was journey, loverboy blacksabbeth and so on. I love my music. I paint with headfones on and rock music very loud in my ears. My music so far grounds me. Its an area where he didn't touch cus he likes rap. (Yuck)

I travel everywhere nowdays with my headfones and phone.

My music has saved me.

[IrmaJean]

I love music too. It soothes me and brings feelings of serenity. I'm glad music grounds you and you are aware of that. Self-help tools are great to have. I recall those music groups too. We aren't much different in age (I'm 44).

Take care, Donna.

[Confusedaily]

For the last 15 years I have celibrated 4 th of july on 10th. Due to a late baby being born. Long story. Its actually Nice. People are at work and parks are never full. I got to the park early to set up with few friends. One of his friends aproched me. I said hi bla bla. She started telling me how lost he was. How bad he's doing. How his little world an everyone in it is doing bad. Falling apart.

I looked at her and got mad. I said ****** how long hv we known each other? I've been gone over 4 months. U know my number. Where I live. .never once hv u made any attempt to see if I needed anything or if I was ok. Now u pick today to come tell me how bad all of u are doing.? How bad he is? I was yelling at this point. .I DONT GV. A F*** abt him.

A friend touched my shoulder and I stoped yelling. She looked at me with tears. And just left. I had never yelled at her ever befor. I don't. Do that.theen I started crying..

My friend wispered in my ear. He's here.

Every part of my body wanted to collapse. Then I thought how dare him. This is my day. I started looking for him. .eww there he was about 6 tables over with a group of people. Having a great time. .

We got there early. Abt 830. I didn't see them. We been there almost 45 min befor I was approched. In that short time they moved into play. Wow. I was heated. I stormed over looked at him told him to leave. He said no. NO!!!! ??? I LOST IT. I spent my holiday in county jail. Agravated assult. Now I gotta go court. Fight this. Knowing he will be at every court date. I CANT. I CANT I CANT. I NEED HELP. IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS. I HATE HIM. I did make him bleed. Punched him right in his nose. Haha I think I broke it. He wasn't at my arrainment. My atterney wasn't sure. I hope I did. Cuz I'm still mending my brakes.

[IrmaJean]

That sounds distressful.

Is he breaking the restraining order by being so near to you?

[Confusedaily]

I KNOW. I told said judge that. He said we live in same town. We are bound to see eachothet. Its up to me to walk away. As long as he not doing anything. The judge told me I attacked him. I tried saying he was withing the laws of stalking. I'm in california. Tjere has be something I can do?