THERAPIST's VACATION THREAD

[Tsunami]

So true! I can relate to it so much myself!

I hope, Tsunami, that you won't be "triggered" by this - because it can be sometimes very unpleasant to realize this kind of truth. For me, mostly because it makes me feel more helpless and clueless: "I know the problem is in me, but I don't know how to solve it. If the problem was in him, then I could at least hope that he's able to solve it and he'll do it for me. But what can I do about myself and how?"

Yeah; that's my pessimistic and passive approach. Fortunately, I'm not always in such a "passive setting"...

Thanks, Lala:)

I am frustrated because I understand all this intellectually. I know what transference, projection and reenactments are, etc. I am so confused with what is going on within me, but I am just in pain. I have a lot of fear and other issues that are intertwined with these behaviors and emotions, and I am working through this in therapy. Take care.

[IrmaJean]

Thanks, IJ. My child part feels afraid, terrified, and a weird feeling. She wants my therapist because she doesn't like me comforting her. I am working on this, but when this part of me is kicking and screaming, I feel like kicking her to the curb. She is my emotional flashback. I don't understand everything about me yet. I am angry because I have some close to intolerable feelings and I have to deal with them own my own. Yes, this is from the past, but that is how I feel. I am so ungodly frustrated at all of this. I am hating myself more each day because I want someone to help me with this and I feel selfish as hell. I feel ungrateful. Ugh. Oh well.

This brings up a lot of conflicting feelings, I hear you. It must be very difficult if this is the emotional flashback. You do an excellent job of expressing your feelings. I hope that helps provide some relief from the pain.

I remember feeling that way about my child part, and especially if that part had acted out, but then someone reminded me that she was also the part that carried the tenderness and love that I value so much about myself.

I hope today is okay for you, Tsunami. Take care.

[finding my way]

She wants my therapist because she doesn't like me comforting her. I am working on this, but when this part of me is kicking and screaming, I feel like kicking her to the curb. She is my emotional flashback.

This is so very honest and eloquent!

When my therapist helped me via parts therapy, he would proceed very carefully, knowing the things that were at stake. The part of you that wants to kick her to the curb may be the one that really needs your assurance and care first.

It is overwhelming to be taken over by a flashback.... utterly at times :( No wonder there is this conflict! And I have needed help too in the midst of this tangle.

Do you know much about her, the one that rushes in to react when the pain of the inner child gets going?

Most likely she is young too :(

There might be some things that can empower her to take a pause before she reacts against you. The reassurance of a therapist for sure would help her do that, but maybe learning more about her could help you discover what she needs?

[Tsunami]

This is so very honest and eloquent!

When my therapist helped me via parts therapy, he would proceed very carefully, knowing the things that were at stake. The part of you that wants to kick her to the curb may be the one that really needs your assurance and care first.

Yes, it can be tricky. I am at a loss for words, and that is rare when I am writing:) I love what you said, that the part of me that wants to kick her to the curb may be the one that really needs my assurance and care first. I am not sure how to even go about that? It strikes a chord, though, and although I don't understand, it makes sense:)

It is overwhelming to be taken over by a flashback.... utterly at times :( No wonder there is this conflict! And I have needed help too in the midst of this tangle.

Do you know much about her, the one that rushes in to react when the pain of the inner child gets going?

Most likely she is young too :(

I have dissociated self-states, such as a well-developed child part, and evil part (self-hater/invalidator)and me. I generally am aware of my parts, but when stressed, my feeling states can be fuzzy, but not unmemorable. I don't know that answer.

There might be some things that can empower her to take a pause before she reacts against you. The reassurance of a therapist for sure would help her do that, but maybe learning more about her could help you discover what she needs?

I am really curious about this question. What does it feel like to have a part react against yourself? To me, I feel empty sometimes all of a sudden and like I chewed a glass and have shards of glass on the inside of me. Sometimes, I feel anxiety at my core. Sometimes, I feel a ton of pressure in my head. It is confusing.

In therapy, we have noted that I have a well-developed child part, what I call the evil part (invalidator/self-hatred), and me.

Thanks so much!

[LaLa]

I'm sorry, Tsu; it really sounds very difficult ...

My child part feels afraid, terrified, and a weird feeling. She wants my therapist because she doesn't like me comforting her. I am working on this, but when this part of me is kicking and screaming, I feel like kicking her to the curb. She is my emotional flashback. I don't understand everything about me yet. I am angry because I have some close to intolerable feelings and I have to deal with them own my own.

I hear your anger and confusion. It makes sense that your inner child wants your therapist, because she doesn't feel understood by 'you' and he is the one who understands and comforts the way she needs it. It's great that you have him now, until you you'll understand and become able to comfort yourself 'efficiently'. When he will be on vacation, you might "use his presence in your mind" - don't you do that already sometimes? It used to help me to imagine being with him when I needed it (well; it didn't often 'destroy' a too bad mood, but at least helped in some situations). Can you do this for yourself? "Feeling his caring, calming, ... presence" when you need to be comforted? I know the ultimate aim is to become able to do it "without him", but in this stage, this seems as a good means of self-help.

What is your inner child afraid of? What's so terrifying? Is it also "from the past", or is it something still present (as the fear of ceasing to exist you've mentioned)?

You say "she's your emotional flashback". But is that really all she is? Aren't the emotions something hurting her the most; your angry part is just angry that she's reminding her pain to you, but... pain is most often here as a signal of need for help, change.

I like Finding's questions a lot - what your 'adult', angry part needs (besides getting rid of the flashbacks, of course...) and what do you know about her?

But first of all, your post reminded me one situation that "happened to me" once, few months after I started my therapy: I was crying a lot, repeating to myself: "Why did I hate that child so much? It wasn't her fault!" It was very weired, because I didn't know what I meant by "it" - what "fault"!! It was just a hazy image of... "something bad about me, some indistinct big guilt". Then, later, I discovered some things I needed to forgive myself - forgive the child I used to be. Maybe there are some things like that in your life, too. Or maybe there are others you need to forgive, too. Or maybe... some people hurt you in the past and you still have a hidden feeling that it was your fault? ... Just some ideas - I cannot know...

I am hating myself more each day because I want someone to help me with this and I feel selfish as hell. I feel ungrateful.

You need to be "selfish" in this regard. It's important to seek help when we need it; it's much better than waiting until it gets even worse.

Why ungrateful??? Maybe you just didn't have the opportunity to express (and fully feel) your gratefulness because so far, you're too occupied by your problems. Don't worry about it - it will come when it will be 'the right time' .

Take care!

[finding my way]

What does it feel like to have a part react against yourself?

it depends on each person...

for me, it is utterly horrible. I feel myself coming apart and I am aware that I am at my very end of being able to cope. It can be when suicidal thoughts come (to "solve" the problem). It can feel there is no where I can put my feet. It can feel like I am in very big trouble and there is nothing I can do to change the situation. It can feel very very lonely. And it always feels that I have lost most of my IQ.

I have been calling it a dissociative problem, because I feel myself splitting apart. I no longer have access to me, to my resources. I don't know how a professional would label it.

to a person that has cut off from feeling, they may not feel anything at all [though the resulting personality is far from healthy] so that is something, maybe, to feel grateful for, that you can feel, even though what you feel, feels really bad? If you can't feel, you can't know that something's wrong. That prospect is very frightening, really.

Parts therapy gave me a way to organize all this, to take that step back and observe the dynamics, to watch and learn and listen...

It takes some getting used to, because it can seem odd that we have so many different "parts" and how do you keep them straight? Over time it became easier and more natural, because so much started to make sense.

[finding my way]

I am angry because I have some close to intolerable feelings and I have to deal with them own my own

exactly.

and I am guessing that started a long time ago, right?

If you can, give this a whole lot of space.... and take careful care.... getting to know the young part of you that had to keep you surviving and functioning in the face of difficulties that were ripping you apart. I'm guessing she was very alone and was doing the best she could and is still very very nervy and is working very hard She just can't handle the upset of it all and keep you together too! Is it anything like that?

My therapist taught me to honor this part of me as a very important first step to getting to know her.

[Tsunami]

Good advice! I wanted to report that I am currently not under any severe emotional weather warnings.

I have an inner and outer ear infection, but I don't feel immersed in emotion. Nope.

This should be written on the website calendar as a first:)

Who am I?

Where did everything go? What am I supposed to do if I'm not fighting valiantly (although ineffectively) to stay in the present? (note that the horse's tail wags, my favorite:)

How odd is this?

[LaLa]

I'm sorry,Tsu, that it's so hard to stay in the present and that you're so confused about yourself .

How do you usually fight to stay in the present?

What is "dragging you into the past"? And can you say why? (I guess it might be the need to change, to heal - something in you is reminding you that "there's a work to be done". But I don't think that "it has the right" to "tease you" so much for it - you need also times to live in your present!)

Could focusing on an activity, reading for instance, help?

I've been reading today some posts on two of the blogs of a woman who was/is (?) also a member of this forum - "Spiritual emergency". It was mostly about schizophrenia and psychotic breakdown, but I think that it's interesting in many contexts and "for everybody". You might try to browse those blogs, too, when you'll feel like reading something like that:

http://www.blogger.c...478682307609903

And... I've mentioned Yalom lately; most of his books are available, although not every page, on Google books and many interesting, insightful excerpts can be found there...

Is there someone with you to help you when you feel bad?

I hope your infection will be gone soon...

Take care!

[malign]

I love the picture expressions! :-)

Do they help you, as well?

{It's hard to tell sometimes; like with the first post, it sounded like it might be sarcastic, or could just as easily be therapeutic.}

Do you know how to make little pictures like that, yourself? {Look up "animated gif editors", perhaps. GIF is the type of image file they use.} Maybe you could animate some of your own stories ... There is a way to use this energy in a positive way; I'm sure of it. :-)

[Tsunami]

I love the picture expressions! :-)

Do they help you, as well?

{It's hard to tell sometimes; like with the first post, it sounded like it might be sarcastic, or could just as easily be therapeutic.}

Yes, for some reason they do help, lol. I am into symbolism, and I like visuals.

Do you know how to make little pictures like that, yourself? {Look up "animated gif editors", perhaps. GIF is the type of image file they use.} Maybe you could animate some of your own stories ... There is a way to use this energy in a positive way; I'm sure of it. :-)

No, I have no idea. I am definitely going to do that! Maybe I could get rich making emoticons. Or I could just express myself easier using them:) The one I usually use for my therapist is the one that says, Run for the hills! lol I am aware of the underlying negative feeling in that but prefer to feel amused as long as I can.

[Tsunami]

Malign,

It is interesting that you said that my post sounded like it might be sarcastic, because a part of it was although I was not aware of it. So, I am going to tell you what happened in a little more detail:)

I now know that I was expressing anger and frustration along with my sadness and despair. My therapist picked up on the anger, and said that I should write to help vent my emotions. I forgot the Segway he used to get to the next sentence, but he said that what I wrote was snarky. I became immediately defensive -- thou doth protest too much! I was already worried about dealing with my own emotions, but his comment threw me over the edge. I said something like, Are you saying that I was being mean when I wrote that? So, my therapist made a doorknob comment on my writing being snarky. I don't know when I told him I was terrified and asked if I could call, and he said, "I would rather you not." I will remember that visually forever.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I panicked all the way to my car and called him. I thought he wouldn't answer, but he did. I left this part out of the description before because I was unaware of my undertone of snarkiness in my post. And I remember watching myself talk to him. I remember standing at the elevator, and heard someone come out of the door walking toward the bathroom, but I was leaning against the wall waiting for the elevator door to open. I didn't turn around, but I could see myself from his perspective, if that was him. I was and am devastated, honestly. I don't really know why, but this is my true emotion right now. I am not in a tsunami of emotions, I just really feel sad, although that word doesn't seem to convey the depth of my emotion.

[Tsunami]

I'm sorry,Tsu, that it's so hard to stay in the present and that you're so confused about yourself .

How do you usually fight to stay in the present?

What is "dragging you into the past"? And can you say why? (I guess it might be the need to change, to heal - something in you is reminding you that "there's a work to be done". But I don't think that "it has the right" to "tease you" so much for it - you need also times to live in your present!)

Could focusing on an activity, reading for instance, help?

I've been reading today some posts on two of the blogs of a woman who was/is (?) also a member of this forum - "Spiritual emergency". It was mostly about schizophrenia and psychotic breakdown, but I think that it's interesting in many contexts and "for everybody". You might try to browse those blogs, too, when you'll feel like reading something like that:

http://www.blogger.c...478682307609903

And... I've mentioned Yalom lately; most of his books are available, although not every page, on Google books and many interesting, insightful excerpts can be found there...

Is there someone with you to help you when you feel bad?

I hope your infection will be gone soon...

Take care!

Thanks! I try to be mindful, and my therapist leaving and abandonment fears and my therapist calling my work of art snarky:) lol is all bringing me into the past. It is intense, but it isn't like the overwhelming emotional flashbacks I get. Thank you for your ideas, I'll have to check the blogs out. I like watching Criminal Minds to get my mind off of things, along with other movies, etc. Take care!

[malign]

"I now know that I was expressing anger and frustration along with my sadness and despair."

Sounds like a whole bunch of things, all of which you're allowed to feel (you left out fear and maybe some others). I was thinking of the word "maelstrom" (like a whirlpool) instead of 'tsunami'; there were swirls of a lot of things in there, half-perceived (by me as the reader.) Maybe you could hear how non-committal I was, in my first response ...

I think it's significant that he answered the phone. He didn't have to, and he had said he wouldn't. Now, maybe it felt like he didn't give you what you needed on the call, but I suspect he gave you what he could. I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel pain; the question is, how would he prevent it, besides suggestions containing variations on the theme of "take me with you".

I know these are difficult things to experience again, but without separation, how would any child overcome separation anxiety?

[finding my way]

Are you ok, Tsunami?

Is your therapist on vacation now?

[Luna-]

Just a thought.

From an earlier post, above:

I could put in all controls on my emotions, but that wouldn't get me anywhere.

Maybe it isn't such a bad way of coping, to retreat to a previous way of coping? It's not ideal, but it may help you to just get through those 4 weeks while he is away? I mean you need to do whatever it takes to get through. What do you think? Just a thought.

[Tsunami]

It is significant that he answered the phone, I was shocked. I said, I want to quit, and he said, I'll bet you do. He gave me a part of what I needed, in which he agreed to email over his vacation. I don't need to email/call him all the time, but when I can't do it at all, it increases my clinginess. Then I get angry because I become all about the therapist, worrying 24/7. When I know the safe base is there, I can venture away. But if he isn't, I am too afraid to do so. It was so painful when he couldn't fit me in, when I was so upset. It feels dehumanizing, like he will help me if he doesn't have something better to do. He could prevent it by stopping himself from being so parsimonious when it comes to contact. More is less. If he gives me less, I cling more. If he gives me more, then I am in charge of figuring out how to navigate my needs, and if I feel safe, I will choose to walk a little farther away. Right now, him controlling the situation is causing me more stress and I just want to detach.

Separating is traumatizing, which makes me worse, and doesn't help me learn. Separating and feeling like I have some say in the matter (like being able to email) helps me feel like a human being, and that my therapist cares enough not to be traumatizing.

I still trust him, but I hate saying that, it makes me feel too vulnerable. I still want to go to session and work this out so I can get out from under all these traumatizing feelings. But I don't want to say that because it makes me feel too vulnerable. I am also angry, intensely angry at him, and it is difficult to feel both anger and to feel like I still trust and care about him. It is like I don't want him to know that I still trust him, I just want him to know I am angry, trust equals vulnerability.

[Tsunami]

Are you ok, Tsunami?

Is your therapist on vacation now?

I am okay. I just had a bad therapist day last Wednesday. No, he doesn't go on vacation until four weeks from now:) I am just practicing:) I have a lot of things surfacing and at times I am fine and at other times I am an emotional hazard, lol. I hope you are doing well!

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry this is so hard, Tsunami. I can relate to the insecure feelings, for sure.

Can you find anything redeeming about your vulnerability? It can feel frightening, but there is beauty to be found in it too.

Are you able to tolerate sitting with the uncomfortable feelings of separation?

Take care.

[Tsunami]

Just a thought.

From an earlier post, above:

Maybe it isn't such a bad way of coping, to retreat to a previous way of coping? It's not ideal, but it may help you to just get through those 4 weeks while he is away? I mean you need to do whatever it takes to get through. What do you think? Just a thought.

I would like to rely on detaching, but I can't do it automatically unfortunately. Now I am working on advocating for myself. He has agreed to negotiate terms around emailing him while he is gone, and that will quell the storm. That's all I need. Why? I have no clue. I guess I will be able to check in with my safe base, and in the meantime I won't be suffering. I want to be the least intrusive I can be, and I want to feel safe and not traumatized by him leaving for a month.

[Tsunami]

I'm sorry this is so hard, Tsunami. I can relate to the insecure feelings, for sure.

Can you find anything redeeming about your vulnerability? It can feel frightening, but there is beauty to be found in it too.

Are you able to tolerate sitting with the uncomfortable feelings of separation?

Take care.

It feels like a huge abyss inside of me. I don't see anything redeeming right now:( I don't know if I am feeling separated or not, I feel like the person I trust is the same one that is causing me so much pain. It is difficult to process. I guess that is why I am part angry and part of me still trusts him, but just saying that makes me more angry? Go figure? I am not overwhelmed, I am okay. I have a session tomorrow and this is the first time something has gone really wrong. I forgot to say that I shut the door vigorously when I left. . . . I think the wind caught it?

[IrmaJean]

It's good that you are okay, Tsunami.

I hear you that you don't see anything redeeming right now. The key for me is looking right at the discomfort, the fears, and knowing that, though they may be painful, these feelings will pass. I am still here and I am okay. Are you able to connect with positive feelings you have? Is there possibly a tender and loving part of you inside this vulnerability too? Do you know what the anger protects?

Good luck with your session today.

[Tsunami]

My session went well, both on Wednesday and today. We talked about and processed all of what happened. My T said that when you go through an emotional storm, that sometimes you feel beat up, and that is how I feel. I am tired, so exhausted. He is really working with me, and I am really working hard to get to the bottom of my reactions. He has been so accepting, and I am so thankful for that. I am going to try to recuperate this weekend and make sure I get enough sleep. I am just so exhausted, I will be counting down the hours until I get home from work tomorrow. Take care, all:)

[finding my way]

Wishing you rest and peace today, Tsunami!!!

[malign]

A tsunami results from an earthquake; no wonder you're still stirred up.

But gradually, it does settle ...