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Missing my therapist


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I think complacency is a dangerous area for me. While I feel pretty committed to my sobriety, it is cunning, and complacency is arena where I see myself most vulnerable. I've been very fortunate so far. The IOP I was at was a lifesaver. Saved my professional career for sure and gave me a lot of good tools.

The therapist feelings have been up and down. I'm not crying anymore (well, except for this morning when I had to clear out my voice mail messages). I had the message from when he first set up an appointment with me. And I had these three messages that make me so embarrassed. At the time, I was remembering a repressed (maybe?) a memory of a suicide attempt I made while back in college. After it came to the surface and after crying for much of the night I had emailed him in the wee hours of the morning feeling totally out of control, trapped inside what I called the "fish bowl," and just trying to persist. I had gone out with my family the next day to try to get my mind off things. Unfortunately, all he had was my work phone number - so I came back to work to hear these three very concerned messages. He also emailed me - and when I wrote back to him, I found out that he was in the ER (due to a long standing medical condition). It was an emotionally tough time for me particularly during that week - and it was rough to hear the voice messages again. Though I intellectually know that I didn't put him in the ER, it's a painful spot for me.

I did get to see a new therapist this past Tuesday. A women. I'm cautiously optimistic. I think I unfortunately have problems with respecting women. I think it comes from my upbringing, where the idea was that women kept the house, couldn't defend themselves, and had to rely on the head of the house to make decisions. I'm hopeful to unravel some of that - especially being a woman. =)

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Today I celebrated 3 months, go my chip, got a home group, and wore my purple sweater. The sweater is the most important to me right now. It was the sweater that I wore the last time I saw my therapist. It has long been a color for me that represents pain. But there's pain in growth, so it's okay. I tried to wear it last night, but just cried. Today I cried, but I was glad to be able to wear it. I think it's a good thing.

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Why do I feel so defensive when my husband talks about not liking my therapist? He thought he was unprofessional. We just wound up having an argument and I don't know how.

My husband is trying to find his own therapist, and the discussion becomes very emotional for me. I feel so cloudy in my thoughts. I wish I could explain or understand more. I think its my fault. I think I must have done something wrong.

I just don't understand. He's had not a lot of luck with therapists in the past.

Maybe its the difference between thinking and feeling. Maybe my emotions are too stong to be able to talk with a good deal of clarity about my therapist apart from the reason why I was so fond of him.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Renewable Cloud

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings with us. As Jeep said, this will stay with you for a while still. I've been out of therapy for 1 year and 2 months. I still think about my therapist and wonder how she is doing. It is not an easy thing this but we are here for you.

Perhaps what is happening with your husband is that he doesn't quite understand the full story. I believe what happens in therapy is very difficult for outside people to understand. We cannot explain to someone who is not in that therapy room with us what actually goes on inside, what we feel, what we talk about, etc. People cannot understand it and almost always make theuir own assumptions. Perhaps your husband is going through some feelings of his own that he cannot express to you correctly and it ends up making you defensive. But it may be other things.

I'm sorry to talk about myself but I wanted to find out what your guys' opinions are about something. My therapist has been travelling since she left last year and we have spoken a few times over email in that year. Very short and sweet emails but I did have communication with her and kept in contact. What do the ethics say if the therapist no longer practices and has left the industry? So if she is no longer a psychologist? To me, it would be ok to contact her when I'm on her side of the country and ask to pop in and say hi, especially if she's no longer bound by therapy ethics.

Thanks again guys and keep talking to us Renewable Cloud. :)

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  • 4 months later...

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this forum and this topic in particular. First of all, Marijack, how are you doing these days? And how is everyone else doing?

I'm struggling with letting go of my therapist and I find it to be very hard and painful. Therapy isn't over yet, but we're in the termination fase. I was doing really well, I had become a new and improved version of myself and I said to my therapist: I think it's time to be on my own. So we decided to start termination by leaving more time between appointments. So I could slowly get used to that.

At first, it was ok. I was still doing great, I didn't need my therapist for anything. But then all of a sudden grief hit me. I was shocked, I didn't expect it at all. Or at least not that badly. I was really really sad and crying all the time. Then it was time for my appointment and right after that the anger stepped in. This all started about a month ago and I'm still feeling sad and angry. Also I feel like my therapist is abandoning me, even though it was my decision. So now I'm not feeling that strong anymore and the whole thing is also making me feel really insecure. And that sucks, because insecurity and self worth were two of the issues I've worked on this past year and I had really changed. (I think I'm still changed but it's harder to feel it these days).

My friends are very understanding and nice, but they can't relate to it. None of them has been through the same and had gotten attached to their therapists. They feel sorry for me and listen to my, but it's not the same as talking to someone who's going or been through this as well. I recognise so much of what you all wrote! It's a relief for me to know that other people go through this as well and that it's normal to have these feelings and thoughts.

Like Marijack, opening up to people was hard for me too. But I did and I now feel very comfortable talking to my therapist. It's a great feeling to be taken seriously and getting this kind of attention. It's a thing I missed out on in my early years.

So with more time in between appointments, I'm really missing my therapist. I miss talking to him, his support, his views, those kinds of things. I think about him a lot (not in a romantic way, that's not the case here). I try to let go and not call or email him between appointments, but it's hard. When something good happens to me, he is one of the first people I want to call. When I'm feeling bad, like at this moment, I want to be in touch more than I should be. I want to manage on my own, but sometimes I just can't. I'm used to call my therapist to get through these moments and it's hard to get that out of my system.

It's such a struggle. I hate that it makes me so insecure. I'm now rethinking the whole termination process, I don't think this is the right way to do it. I do want to end it well, I think I really need that. I'm now thinking that we shouldn't continue leaving more and more time in between and let that go one for months. On one hand, I like having a safety net. But on the other hand it's ambiguous and that's making it harder. I need to let go, but I can still contact him all the time. I need clarity. I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it in my next appointment.

I know this is an older topic, but I hope someone will respond to it. Your reactions are more than welcome.

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Hello, Coco, and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I can definitely relate. I was also attached to my therapist and it took me some time to feel comfortable and okay with not seeing him any longer. I think it's a good idea to discuss your feelings with your therapist and how you want to proceed with ending your sessions.

You have a better understanding of what your needs are in relationships now and how things work for you and this is positive. I hope you will be gentle with and accepting of yourself in this. It's okay to feel everything you feel.

Take care, Coco.

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Hi IrmaJean, thank you so much for welcoming me and for your kind words. I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing, but it's good to know that you're doing better now. How long did it take you to get comfortable with it?

Accepting these feelings is difficult for me. I've never coped with emotions very well, it's something I had to learn in therapy and I haven't mastered it yet. I'm doing my best to let the feelings be and not judge them or hate myself for having them and feeling weak. It's difficult, but I think I'm doing well so far.

I guess that's why it's so hard, it's because I'm feeling everything I'm feeling. But I've learned that in the end I feel so much better when I don't keep everything inside. It's a good thing I know that now.

I can't wait for my next appointment with my therapist, my head feels like exploding because of the thinking I've been doing these last days. I know he has the flu right now, I hope he gets better soon. If he cancels next week, I'll go crazy, cause it can take up to two weeks before he can reschedule. I talked to him on the phone earlier this week (even though he was sick already, how nice is that) and it helped a little. I'm doing a little better now.

It's also very helpful to write here and to know that I'm not the only one who has these feelings. That's very comforting. Maybe it would be a good thing for me to start a blog here.

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Hi Coco. :)

I have some attachment struggles, so I imagine that played some role in my difficulties as well. As I recall, it took around 6 months to a year for me to feel comfortable with not seeing my therapist any longer. I don't think of it as a negative experience, though; I think I grew and learned from it and also found a place of peace and comfort with our relationship. I still think very fondly of my former therapist. The symbolism being that caring for another person, to me, will always be worth the potential risk of losing that person. Therapy and my experience with my therapist put me on a healthy path even though the journey was difficult at times.

Accepting these feelings is difficult for me. I've never coped with emotions very well, it's something I had to learn in therapy and I haven't mastered it yet. I'm doing my best to let the feelings be and not judge them or hate myself for having them and feeling weak. It's difficult, but I think I'm doing well so far.

I guess that's why it's so hard, it's because I'm feeling everything I'm feeling. But I've learned that in the end I feel so much better when I don't keep everything inside. It's a good thing I know that now.

Coping with emotions is difficult! I haven't come close to mastering it either. We're all only human. It sounds as though you learned a lot and worked hard during therapy.

I can't wait for my next appointment with my therapist, my head feels like exploding because of the thinking I've been doing these last days. I know he has the flu right now, I hope he gets better soon. If he cancels next week, I'll go crazy, cause it can take up to two weeks before he can reschedule. I talked to him on the phone earlier this week (even though he was sick already, how nice is that) and it helped a little. I'm doing a little better now.

I hear you about the sense of urgency to connect. Do you have something to hold in your hand that might help ground you? Your therapist's business card or something similar? It helps me to hold a space for the connection and return there when I am feeling distressed. For me, it's a place inside myself where I grew within the relationship. Connections bring out our own gifts and light, I feel. So I try and hold those feelings of comfort because they are really a part of me. I try to talk gently and reassuringly to myself and let myself know I am okay. I don't know it any of that might be helpful or not, but I do hope you can be gentle with yourself through this.

It's also very helpful to write here and to know that I'm not the only one who has these feelings. That's very comforting. Maybe it would be a good thing for me to start a blog here.

I find blogging very helpful. Whenever I have experienced a loss, I have had a strong need to express myself and talk about all that I am feeling. I am glad you find it helpful to write here. Please let me know if you need assistance setting up a blog.

Take gentle care, Coco.

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Hi IrmaJean. Thanks again so much. I hope in six to twelve months I can look back and say the same things you say. I think I will, because I already say the same about last year. It was a very difficult year, but I'm really grateful for it, for the things I've learned and how I've grown.

I do feel the need to connect. That's how I always feel in between appointments when things are rough. What worked so far is reading the emails he sent me and checking his website. And also calling or emailing him. It made me feel weak but I felt so much better after. It still makes me feel weak, especially since I'm trying to end therapy. I want to be able to comfort myself or let my husband and friends comfort me. Maybe the talking will work for me. I do it sometimes when tears are being held back. Then I tell myself it's okay to cry, that I can let it all out. So maybe it also works for comfort.

Do you have a partner IrmaJean? How did he or she deal with you being in therapy and going through all the emotions, and later with you mourning about losing your therapist? My husband would like to know. He's really great and supportive, but it's hard for him sometimes. He doesn't like to see me struggle (and not being able to take away my pain) and also sometimes he gets tired of me talking about this so much.

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I went through a period of grief, for sure. I can relate to the strong need to connect; this feeling can be especially prevalent for me when I am fearing loss. It helps me to think of my own love and care and how what the relationship brought out in me is part of me and with me always. The connections we make stay with us in a way because we grow from them and when we embrace ourselves and live life fully, our love and light will always be there. Being vulnerable is human and I think it can be a very beautiful thing. I do hear you that you feel weak...reaching out when you need to is okay. There will come a time when you won't see your therapist any longer, but you can always return to the space of comfort within yourself. You learned that it was okay to be comforted by your therapist and that can help you to know that is is okay in your other relationships as well. It may take some time and that is okay too. I hope you will be compassionate and gentle with yourself along this journey.

I do have a partner, yes. H and I have been married 25 years now. :-) My husband knew I was in therapy, but he did not ask me questions about it. I think I have learned over the past years that it is okay to reach out and share struggle, but back then (8 years ago), it was very difficult for me to do this. My h would comfort me with no questions asked at the time, but I did not share the details with him. I think now, though, I would and it would have helped me back then if I had. Always learning. It's great that you are open with your husband and he is supportive. It's hard to see someone we love in pain. Maybe express to him what you feel you need in this or what might be helpful to you? Journaling or blogging may help you to work through emotions too.

Take care, Coco.

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The fear of loss makes me want to connect more too. I hope in time I will be able to find comfort in myself, like you. Right now my therapist is still available, so I tend to turn to him more than turn to myself, while I still can. Therapy is ending soon, only a few more sessions. I told my therapist that the slow termination process we started didn't work for me, that we needed a change of plans. So now we agreed to a few more sessions in a short period of time and then it's over. On the one hand, it's okay and it gives me peace. On the other hand I'm freaked out about not seeing him anymore and also I'm starting to get more anxious about leaving therapy. To not have his support anymore.

I'm sorry you had to struggle on your own and couldn't reach out to your husband back then. But I'm glad that he was supportive and that you've learned in time that it's okay to ask for help. Sometimes, or almost always, it's hard to reach out when you're that vulnerable. I've only learned to talk to my husband and therapist to talk when I'm really vulnerable, but talking to friends in that situation is still a learning process for me. It doesn't come easy and quickly. Maybe it'll take some more years, but that's okay. We have to be gentle to ourselves. We'll get there someday.

Take care.

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  • 3 months later...

My therapist is moving to another town. We had our last session today. I only had one week's notice. The session went well, but I miss my therapist so much. I have gone decades without crying. If think about this or try to talk about it, I break down in tears. I have cried more in the last week than I ever remember.

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  • 1 month later...

(Hi all...I am posting here again both of my posts together, just with a bigger font, that so that you can actually read it ; sorry about that :) )

[remark from a moderator: I deleted the previous posts; I hope you're OK with it, Sasa ;-).]

Dear Marijack,

I know from my therapist that it should not be the case that you develop a complete dependency on your therapist. In the beginning that is the case, but then later, he/she should make your ego strong enough to be able to cope with things yourself. If you miss your therapist so much then it might be a good idea to look for a new one. She also should have provided you with some skype sessions, especially if you already had some personal meetings before. That is how I have done it with my therapist and it worked great. Now, we just meet from time to time ( every 2-3 months) to see how it is going , and later we made a deal to sea each other only when there is a but too much on my plate, sometimes because of my job, and sometimes just because I am thinking about some existential problems ( a bit of mental hygiene as he calls it hahaha. Anyway, I will post here the things I posted on some other sites. Good luck.

Hi everybody. I feel like I have to share with you my story about this subject. ( sorry if I make any mistakes in grammar or spelling. English is not my mother tongue).

I was one of those people who were very anvilling to go to a psychologist. I always thought that that's for someone else, even though I had many reasons to contact one a decade ago. But then my life situation got very difficult. My husband was leaving me, at the same time I was trying to expend my business in EU and was under a lot of stress. I started sleeping very bad, had migraines, became very anxious and started wondering a lot about life. During one of my long flights I met a person sitting next to me and after some time we started talking about this. He told me that he had also some problems, but then on one of his flight he met someone who gave him e-mail address of a psychologist who help him some time ago. He told me that he is very busy and does not take new people immediately because he likes to work with a few people, but to do the best he can, aka. prefers quality over quantity. He also told me that it was very memorable experience. I took the card with e-mail address and put it in my wallet thinking "yeah, he is going to tell me how life is beautiful and have to be strong and bla, bla, bla.." Anyway, after some time I had one of those very difficult days, and in the evening I thought that maybe I should give it a try. First I went to a psychologist close to my house in Boston, but we really didn't click. Being very disappointed about this, I spoke to my friend about it, and she told me that the contact has to be good and full of trust between client and psychologist, and that that is the crucial component to success, so I decided not to go there again. A few days after that I remember that card in my wallet. I sent one e-mail to this psychologist asking him if we can meet, via skype preferably. He replayed next day. He told me that he started meeting people via skype since few months ago because he is aware that the world is changing and that he also has to adjust. I found this very sweet in some way. He also told me that it would be very preferable if we can meet few times ( especially the first time) in person. I couldn't do that for the first time, but then, on my third trip I found out that I am just two hours away from him ( he was in the Netherlands at the time) and we had a personal meeting which was fantastic. I met him few more times in person after that ( great thing is that he is also traveling a lot, so he was also in my neighbourhood several times) , while majority of meeting were via skype. In my experience, progress is possible with the skype sessions too; it might go slower then with a personal session, but it is possible. Now, after two years, I can tell you that, what started as constant complaining about my husband, became a great trip of self discovery and that I am more then happy that I've done it. Sometimes it wasn't easy ( just as he told me - that sessions are not always necessary pleasant and that sometimes we need to face things I don't want to face), but all together it was the best thing I ever done for myself. Now, we meet via skype from time to time, just when I need to clear my toughts a bit, and he is willing to do this, which I am happy about. He calls it "mental hygiene". I feel much better today and i advice everybody to give it a try, even via skype. We live in a strange times, and we need all the help we can get.

Good luck:)

Edited by LaLa
added "remark from a moderator"
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