How important is sex to a marriage?

[Victimorthecrime]

A lot of us have fretted over our relationship prospects but here is a well researched article that surprising concludes that sex is not nearly as important a component to a happy marriage as commonly believed but is trumped by affection and touching. Here is the link:

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-charles-dr-elizabeth-schmitz/sex-sex-sex-how-important-it

[Jessie]

my therapist always said that.... especially when one is older and in an established relationship.

One of my possible strategies is too endure loneliness for 10 years and then find a 40 yo woman who already has a kid and wants a loving companion above that of a 'compatible' sexual partner...

Enter me stage left...

[Perseverance]

I'm having sex with my gf 1-2 a month and I am not happy. Happy with the sex we do have but I would be thrilled with sex 3 times a week. I would not complain or be in a bad mood. Trust me on this. I go 2 weeks sexless I turn into a depressed miserable shit.

[malign]

It seems to me that the importance of sex to a marriage is going to depend a great deal (dare I say, intimately?) on the two people in the marriage, and how well they can communicate their needs to one another. Everyone's different; what makes a relationship work is how well you communicate to the person you're with. In particular, don't assume it's obvious what you need, or think, or feel. Even if they're telepathic (which isn't common, even if you believe it's possible), the other person needs you to tell them those things, if only because they might be picking up the thoughts of the dog instead of yours ...

[gone]

I've been married for 26 years. I haven't had sex for 7 years now. If you're willing to live like brother and sister it's ok. Our relationship is more like having a roommate, not a spouse. We don't argue, rarely disagree. Our daughter is the last one at home. When she's off to collage I guess the last thing we have in common is gone. John

[Victimorthecrime]

Wow Retr0 7 yrs - why?

But on the plus side at least you had some good times. A lot of us, myself included, never found themselves anywhere near an altar.

If I did have a wife, I can't imagine not having some sex even if it was once a month.

[anouarpac]

i think what makes a relationship work is how well you communicate to the person you're with

[Perseverance]

i think what makes a relationship work is how well you communicate to the person you're with

When I get anxious and keep in what's on my mind. Shit goes wrong. This is so true. I'm going to be more open from here on out like I was before, when things were better.

[gone]

Wow Retr0 7 yrs - why?

But on the plus side at least you had some good times. A lot of us, myself included, never found themselves anywhere near an altar.

If I did have a wife, I can't imagine not having some sex even if it was once a month.

It's a long and involved story. Ultimately, it was my choice to stop. She never once said no or acted put out, but it was sex on her terms. I grew tired of it all. John

[malign]

Does it seem like that's mostly because of not feeling like you have anything else in common?

I found that my desire for my ex decreased in direct proportion to how often she told me I was shit.

[itinaeroa]

Ah getting to marriage is the thing. I imagine that it would be strange living as one with another person. I've become accustomed to being on my own. Sex would be nice to have frequently in a marriage. But I notice that my parents have their own beds now and have done so for a few years now, this seems to be a thing old people do - kinda grow out of the sex thing. I've also noticed that they are better toward each other than before sleeping in separate beds - they are like best friends, which what I imagine a good marriage should be about.

[gone]

Malign, no it's nothing like that. My wife was (still is) very good looking. She moved and socialized in higher circles before we met. She slept with some real talent (size and technique wise) before we met. After 9 or 10 years of marriage I realized she never placed any demands on me in bed. It was like she was afraid of finding out I was incapable of pleasuring her. It dawned on me we both eagerly worked towards my pleasure, my orgasm but not hers. She didn't want to discuss any of this. I grew very tired of her shying away from me even trying. She's never been mean, demeaning or anything. She still acts like she loves me. I grew increasingly paranoid that the problem was simply me trying to use a skinny 4.5 incher where a few different others had used 7 inchers. I honestly thought when we first met I stood a chance. She's small....very petite. I learned the hard way outer measurements in a woman mean nothing sexually. Sorry for the connected paragraphs....my enter key isn't working here for some reason....... Itinaeroa.......a platonic relationship is fine and well if both parties are happy in it. I still 'take care of myself' two or three times a week. I'd love to still be having sex once or twice a week. It's just not in the cards now.

[IrmaJean]

Have you tried discussing any of this with her recently, John? Maybe her behavior is about her?

Regarding posting, if you look to the top left of your post and click on the button that looks like a light switch, you can toggle the editing mode. The enter key should then work for you. Hope this helps.

[malign]

I second Beth's suggestion. Ask her.

So, she's had "real talent" ... but for all you know, she's one of those women who's essentially indifferent to "talent". Maybe she's putting fewer demands on you because she can tell how much it means to you. Maybe she focuses on pleasing you because that is what matters to her. Maybe she's shying away because sex has always been uncomfortable for her, emotionally.

Of course, my suggesting reasons blindly has likely completely missed the truth. I'm just trying to shake assumptions enough that you might try finding out from the person who matters.

[gone]

I'm sorry. I've kinda hijacked this thread. This thread was supposed to be reassuring, not an open invitation to a pity party. I get off track too easy. Thanks for trying to help, I really do appreciate it. This is all in the past, not a current problem.

IrmaJean, thanks for the little switch info. It works great! I don't know how it worked before, but toggling the switch works now.

John

[Victimorthecrime]

retr0john - you did not high jack the thread. Your contribution was interesting & spurred some insightful conversation. I wish the best for you & your wife.

[gone]

Thanks Victim, I appreciate it. At times I read a post and take off on a 90 degree tangent. I really try to be reassuring to the guys here when I can.

I know some of the guys here roll their eyes and say 'At least you have a wife and kids'. And I do count myself lucky in that respect.

The one point I'd make to some of the guys here is it's not over when you find someone and commit. Really, a lot of the problems are just starting.

It's as hard worrying about your sexual relationship with someone you love (and loves you) as it is worrying about what a one night stand thinks about you.

I'll shut my yap now. I try to not talk about my wife or marriage. I try to stay on the fact I'm as small (or smaller) than a lot of the guys posting here.

[u.r.what.u.is]

I've been married for 26 years. I haven't had sex for 7 years now. If you're willing to live like brother and sister it's ok. Our relationship is more like having a roommate, not a spouse. We don't argue, rarely disagree. Our daughter is the last one at home. When she's off to collage I guess the last thing we have in common is gone. John

My marriage was much like what you describe. We ended the marriage but continue to have a good relationship. We are both much happier now. I have waaay more sex now with my GF than I did with my wife. Sex and intimate touching were missing from our marriage, and I am convinced they are both vital for marriage to work, assuming either/both partners has a libido.

[gone]

U.R. I'm kinda stuck here in my life. My wife never turned me down. I probably could still be having sex when I want. I stopped because of me, not her. If we divorced and I met another woman, I'd just not have sex with her for the same old reasons.

I figure if I'm going to have a platonic relationship, it might as well be with someone who loves me and I know well.

[u.r.what.u.is]

U.R. I'm kinda stuck here in my life. My wife never turned me down. I probably could still be having sex when I want. I stopped because of me, not her. If we divorced and I met another woman, I'd just not have sex with her for the same old reasons.

I figure if I'm going to have a platonic relationship, it might as well be with someone who loves me and I know well.

John, I went back to re-read your posts in this thread. It certainly seems that SPS is more of a factor in your marriage than it was in mine - even though my marriage ended. My ex had no issues over my size, and in fact, neither did I, in my intimacy with her. In our case, there was a mutual disinterest, since we really didn't marry for all the right reasons. We have kids, too, and we are both devoted to them.

My own SPS did not really get defeated until a.) I found this forum and b.) I was divorced and enjoying sex with new partners. The forum echoed what I'd heard over the years; namely that one must be confident (as opposed to arrogant) in oneself. The new sexual experiences have all been (unexpectedly) resoundingly positive, so I no longer care that I am somewhat below average in size.

Anyway, I hope your life is happy as-is...or, better yet, you and your wife really hash this issue out and come to a better place. Sex is much more important to me now that I have had it more passionately. Being divorced and fornicating with a girlfriend who is horny like I am is much more mentally healthy for me than my platonic marriage was.

All that said, I still admire you for sticking with your marriage vows...but maybe you'll get some courage from this place to get back the spark you let die out...what do I know?

[gone]

U.R. I'm genuinely curious about one thing. I've brought this up in another thread long ago.

Is it really S.P.S. if you really do have a measurably small penis? I mean, you're not a hypochondriac if you really are sick. It's not like I'm swinging a large penis and unreasonably fretting about it. I'd buy that I have fixated on being her smallest, but honestly I am her smallest. It's not like I'm swinging 6 or 7 inches and crying about my small one.

Oh well, I really wish you and all the other guys here the very best. I keep all you guys in my thoughts.

[u.r.what.u.is]

A very good question! In the movie "My Penis and I", the guy with the 7" penis gets the enlargement surgery, while the guy half that size does not. It really seemed that the only syndrome there was being suffered by the former, not the latter.

I would say that I personally have suffered from SPS. My sexual anatomy is a bit smaller than average and looks small on my larger than average frame. But my fears were unfounded. My idea of average was 6-7", which is high. I also think we overestimate the size that is needed to please women, or men for that matter. While I don't have much to "swing", especially in the flaccid state, it is evidently enough that the women I have had intercourse with - at least after my marriage - were more than satisfied. I was shocked that they had zero complaints about size, because, unlike my ex, they had a wealth of experience. I think sexually active women know the best what the average size is, and the more partners they have, the better chace they have of seeing dicks 4-6" long rather than 8".

[malign]

"Is it really SPS ...?"

My definition, after a lot of exposure to this forum, is that SPS is:

1. A belief that one's penis is small (true or not, especially as the standard for "how small" varies), and
   
2. An inordinate belief in how important that is for defining one's self as a man (and heck, that one varies too.)
   

So, there are relatively larger guys who are deeply concerned about being inadequate, which is more clearly part of the "syndrome", but there are also guys who are smaller who don't feel that it affects their manhood as much (and who therefore don't often come here.) There are guys with more obsessive traits, who can't get it out of their heads that they're inadequate in some way, and size is a good a reason as any. There are guys who have had experience with being insulted for their size whose self-esteem wasn't up to the challenge of laughing that off or turning it back on their attackers in some other way. To my mind, none of those mean the guy is actually "less" in any way; all it means is that he thinks a certain way and that causes him pain. In other words, that there's a fairly large mental health component to his problems, because thinking is something we humans can change.

To return to your specific points, John: a person can be a hypochondriac even if they're really sick, or paranoid even if some people are out to get them. Both of those are disorders of scale, and actually rather pertinent. A hypochondriac sees a symptom of illness in everything, not just the real symptoms, and always a more severe illness than any he's actually got. A paranoid sees everything as a threat, not just the real threats. Both synthesize what seem to them to be new realities from their existing assumptions.

So, okay, you may be her smallest. What you have no way of knowing, but have beliefs about, is whether she's less satisfied or not. Those beliefs may be worth testing.

[human111]

even if it is important. what is the problem.

[Wastedlife]

even if it is important. what is the problem.

There is no problem...having 4 inch penis is exactly the same as having 8 inch penis, there is completely zero advantage to having above average penis in this world and zero consequence to having abnormally small one. All of us complaining here are suffering from some sort of mass delusion....