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ba51th

me....

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playing Gran Turismo 6

just buy a MR-S, I thought driving a mid engine real wheel drive car will be easy as in gran turismo 4, and it turn out to be wrong. the car easily oversteer... had no choice but to install fully customized suspension kit, fully customized LSD, and GT wing, with some tweaking, now it's easier to drive...

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a rock on the side of road...

the rock is always there...

no one pay attention on it...

people just keep walking...

like the rock is never there... never exist...

one day...

the rock happen to stand in the middle of the road...

but still... people just keep walking...

like the rock is never there... never exist...

then the rock see someone walking right into him...

happy... thinking that someone recognize him...

but then... that someone kick him back to the side of the road...

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I know it hurts me to feel invisible. The need to be seen feels very deep.

I'm reading and listening, ba51th.

Why does living feel frightening to you?

I don't like to talk about it...

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I had nightmare...

dark soul combine with mass effect...

undead combine with reaper

undead army attack the earth...

I was really scared...

it feels like a doomsday...

and then, they attack a neighborhhod near my place...

they burn everything to the ground...

then I warn people, that the undead army will attack our neighborhood... but not many people pay attention on my warn...

then I organize my follower to form militia and prepare ourselve to defend our neighborhood...

and then... they... the undead army finally come to our neighborhood...

so the battle begins... I give my 100% to defend my neighborhood...

and we succeed... even though we were outnumbered... but I think they will come again with greater number...

then I go to some place to ask for reinforcement... but no one give me assurance that they will send their troops to our neighborhood...

then I heard a bad news... the undead army destroy a neighborhood. north of my neighborhood...

they will attack us from two direction...

then on my journey back to my neighborhood... the are many many undead army move toward my neighborhood...

so I rush myself to my neighborhood... to the defense line...

but we were lost... we were greatly outnumbered...

I feel so hopeless...

then I woke up...

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I wish I live in the age where human still use sword... bow... candle... horse...

live must be easy at that time...

if you hungry you can go fishing or gather some fruit...

if you thirsty you can go to river...

no one pressure you to be a ceo, a scholar...

you don't need job to stay alive...

a chance to live this life is not a gift... it's a torment...

you are forced to live to struggle...

they force you to posses something so you will scare to lose it...

maybe...

if god exist... I will not bow to it, even it will threatened me with hell and torture...

life... afterlife...

there is no different...

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I no longer have a sense for romantic stuff... I just can't feel the emotion...

everytime I day dreaming about doing romantic things with a woman, the scene that the women cheat me, not satisfed with me, humiliate me always come...

knowing that I lack the primary requirement to be loved by women, which is a big penis...

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had another dream... but not nightmare...

this one is influenced by mass effect 3...

earth under attack of reapers

and the army encourage the youngster to join them

in this dream, somehow, I am still in senior high school

me and some of my acquaintance join the army

I recognize some of their face, they are my acquaintances in senior and junior high school...

can't tell more... the memories of the dream faded away...

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just saw something pleasant from a well known woman that I liked...

maybe I can love women again...

maybe I can sense romantic things again...

uh huh (deep breathing)

I wish...

I can be her knight...

a knight that will protect her precious smile... on her face... and her heart...

but still... I'm scared to stay alive...

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I never had any intention to offend her...

everytime she delete her post, I feel like a trash...

I was about to add a line, "if you do that again, I will kill myself...", but...

scared, if people think I'm crazy...

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aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggg.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

frequently spinning in corner exit...

makes me scare to go full throttle and go all out...

hmm... how about to combine it with high rpm turbo charge...

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what a trash like me can offer to women... my parents destroyed my future... thinking by sending me to school alone will automatically grant me a bright future... they never care to try discover my talent, and never listen to what I want, what my interest is... all they want is me to become an engineer? scientist? scholar?

now look... I'm a trash... not knowing his talent... not knowing what he good at...

government should forbid people to have children if they will make a bad parent...

have a small penis... and a trash as well...

no women would want me... adore me... love me...

I wish... tonight I sleep... and never wake up...

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I had a fantasy when I still in kindergarten... that I want to be raped by a girl I liked...

fantasizing that I walk in a hall... then someone suddenly chloroform me from behind... and then when I wake up, I find myself in a bedroom... and then the girl I liked show up (the one that chloroformed me), and she start to consume me... kiss me with passion... and full of lust...

monogamous normal women are easy to find (I think...)

but... a monogamous dominant woman...

in my porn blog on tumblr, I always reblog pictures of a man in a woman arms... fantasizing it, somehow... makes me feel so safe... so comfortable... so peaceful... to be loved unconditionally... it feels like... I'm home... to be dominated by women's love and women's passion and feel so helpless...

for example: http://pleasingpics.com/image/90306473087/

but... that kind of picture is really hard to find, but the other way is so easy to find... it feels like that dominant men are busy loving their women (monogamous and faithful), while dominant women are busy torturing and cheating their men...

yes... I'm selfish... and I don't like to share...

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