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First time I'm going to tell my story.

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Hello everybody,

My name is Martin. I'm a 25 year old man, living in the Netherlands. I've been struggling with myself since a very young age. Lately, I really feel the urge to tell my story to someone. That's what got me here.

I grew up in a very happy family. I had the nicest childhood with lots of friends and laughter. Also not the ugliest child and friendly of heart so I was quite popular at school I guess. My parents were very loving towards me and my brother. Our dad had a pretty good job and we lived in a beautiful house. I didn't have the best "study-concentration", but I was very good in sports and all other kind of things, so nothing really to worry about. At the time I was a bit shy and clumpsy with girls, but that's like most boys I guess. Hah well, just like you read it, my youth was pretty awesome. But than I became older. At the age of, let's say 11, I noticed something was a bit different with me than with most boys in my class. After gymnastics, we all showered together and I noticed most of them slowly got pubic hair and a bigger penis. Well, that's were my problems begin.

In the Netherlands, we first go to "basic school (till 12 years of age)", then "middle school (till 16/18 years of age)" and later "high school" or university. When I got in middle school, I already had some light panic attacks, but without the physical problems. My penis was still the size it was when I was a boy. It had not grown since my youth. But I was like 13 and was told at biology classes the average penis is fully grown at the age of 16/17. So at that point I still had hope.

Ofcourse it was very hard (not my penis) at some times. Getting laughed at after football practice and the panic that comes from that. Being in the same class with some of those teammates, which led to some not-so-pleasant situations. And always the fear of being "discovered" for a larger public. So at that time, it was very hard for me to open up myself to anyone (girls in particular). I became more and more introverted. Don't misunderstand me, I still had a lot of friends (most of my childhood friends studied a higher class) and at times was quite happy. But I was always thinking about my body, day in and day out. So, after 4 years studying the lowest class, I easily graduated and tried the highest class. Most of my childhood friends were in the same class at that time, so that was great. But it became clear that class was a little to high for me, so I joined a middle class. Again, I joined some of my teammates, but not the despicable ones. And guess what, I even met a girl there. She was madly in love with me and that was likewise. I had then reached the age of 16.

I still hadn't masturbated at that point. I suffered more and more light panic attacks, praying to everything my body would change. Ofcourse, nothing happened. But I was also very happy at the same time, having met that wonderful girl. She was also a bit of a shy one, but incredibly sexy. After we had a relationship for about 4 months, the moment was there. Before that point we hadn't really had intercourse except a little touching. So it happened and it was great. Although I couldn't last for longer than 20 seconds, my penis did grow a good bit. I had a relationship with her for a good 3 years. In the meantime, we both graduated middle school. It was one of the happiest times of my life, but also one of the saddest. I so depended on her, she really was my soul mate. So when she ended the relationship, I fell in a very deep hole. I already had become a bit depressed, smoking weed and stuff. Well, the next couple of years, I smoked a lot with my friends. 

My dad died in 2008, which was horrible for my mother. I might as well tell something about my mom. She is the nicest woman in the world. She has had a tough life so far. Her father died when she was 40 or so which led to my grandmother becoming a grumpy old lady. A couple of years later, her brother committed suicide. And then ofcourse my dad died. She has no real family anymore, except for my brother and me and I think she is very lonely. We don't really have a very talking relation, but we feel each other. For example, I can't remember her telling me she loves me, but I know she does.

Still playing the role of a happy guy, I wasted half my life. Oh wait, let me tell you about the scariest panic attack I've had so far. This was a real life changer. At some point like 2 years ago (I knew already that most of my old friends knew of my secret, but that was kept behind my back.) I was sitting in the park with a lot of friends. Playing some football, I hear one of my best friend tell the whole group (a lot of new friends, including girls, were there too) about my secret. You couldn't believe how I felt that moment. Thinking about that moment, even now, just makes me sick. A week later, smoking a joint, I got this panic attack. A nearly fainted and had to throw up. That's the beginning of a new life for me. Since then, I always have this "belt" around my stomach. When I panic a bit to much, it will tighten so much it's hard for me to breathe. For a good half year, I couldn't control my heart. Many sleepless nights. But I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't tell my story, my secret. It's now 2 years later, I've controlled the panic a bit by drinking alcohol. I really don't know what to do. But I met a new girl a year ago and she is the best. I really love her so much and I really believe I have to tell her my story. I really am sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

I want to write so much more but I can't. Thanks for listening in advance. I really hope there is someone out there that wants to talk with me.

With kind regards,

Martin

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Hi, I am also new here.

Have you ever sought. for mental support? (Like a therapist?)

Therapists are really helpful when you need to disclose, and they may help you to self-disclose to others (Like to that girl)

:)

Rouler.

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Hi rouler!

Thanks for your reply. I've seen two therapists in total. It does help a bit in the beginning, but I never talked about my real problem. I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it, you understand the feeling?

Martin

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Hi rouler!

Thanks for your reply. I've seen two therapists in total. It does help a bit in the beginning, but I never talked about my real problem. I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it, you understand the feeling?

Martin

I never feel comfortable enough with people, so I do.

Though, It seems that there is "The right therapist" over there, even if it is hard to find him.

If you search on the internet, you would see a lot of different opinions about therapy; but most of people that have found"the good one" had had a lot of T before.

Anyway, I have learnt from past experiences, that if the situation is too bad and urgent help is requiered, sometimes one has to forget about these issues and just do it.

Well, also It is normally easier to write instead of speaking...it may be useful if you need to say something but you can't.

These are just ideas...uhm...problems normally are not solved spontaneously. It is necessary to actively do something...

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The breathing involved in meditation can help you stop having panic attacks. As far as I remember from the things that eventually helped me, there are two systems of breathing, unconscious (autonomic) and conscious. Someone with panic attacks has lost a balance of the two, due to the types of breathing associated with racing thoughts and emotions. So I think this is why the breathing in meditation helps, because we learn to breathe with the autonomic system, which promotes balance, muscle relaxation (which could help the "stomach band" thing) and lessens the control our thought patterns have over us.

That's one "theory" anyway...

That sounds really difficult what happened to you on weed. My friends have put me on the spot too. And weed just makes things like that so much worse.

It could be helpful to go to therapy even if you don't discuss things specifically, they can help you with panic attacks too.

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On 5/27/2014 at 9:41 PM, Rouler said:

I never feel comfortable enough with people, so I do.

Though, It seems that there is "The right therapist" over there, even if it is hard to find him.

If you search on the internet, you would see a lot of different opinions about therapy; but most of people that have found"the good one" had had a lot of T before.

Anyway, I have learnt from past experiences, that if the situation is too bad and urgent help is requiered, sometimes one has to forget about these issues and just do it.

Well, also It is normally easier to write instead of speaking...it may be useful if you need to say something but you can't.

These are just ideas...uhm...problems normally are not solved spontaneously. It is necessary to actively do something...

I went to my doctor today to talk about me maybe needing some help with stuff. So we made an appointment with a social worker she recommended. She said, because I need help on all parts of life it was best for me to try something other than a therapist.

On 5/27/2014 at 11:40 PM, mts said:

The breathing involved in meditation can help you stop having panic attacks. As far as I remember from the things that eventually helped me, there are two systems of breathing, unconscious (autonomic) and conscious. Someone with panic attacks has lost a balance of the two, due to the types of breathing associated with racing thoughts and emotions. So I think this is why the breathing in meditation helps, because we learn to breathe with the autonomic system, which promotes balance, muscle relaxation (which could help the "stomach band" thing) and lessens the control our thought patterns have over us.

That's one "theory" anyway...

That sounds really difficult what happened to you on weed. My friends have put me on the spot too. And weed just makes things like that so much worse.

It could be helpful to go to therapy even if you don't discuss things specifically, they can help you with panic attacks too.

Thnx for your reply. It's true what you say about smoking weed. It indeed gave me the worst panic attacks, so smoking is already something from the past with me. And what you say about the breathing is also right on the spot. I did see a "breathing-expert?" for that, but at the wrong time. My feelings were at such an all time low at that moment that I just didn't go see him anymore. Stupid ofcourse..

I really hope it's gonna help me some bit, seeing that social worker. I'm really afraid of not being able to tell anything, you know. But I'm really conscious that this is something I really need to do to help myself. I need to play open card with some people, otherwise I will feel this shitty the rest of my life. And that is not an option. It's just a vicious circle were I got myself in pretty fast and deep, but to get out.. it's a whole lot tougher.

I'm really glad I can talk to you guys here. Not something I had discovered before, but seeing other people here with the same likes of problems is somewhat of a relieve.

Martin

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It can take some time to feel comfortable enough to trust enough to open up to your therapist and that's okay. I used to write my therapist notes because it was too difficult for me to express some things verbally. You'll find your way in time. I hope counseling proves to be helpful. Best of luck to you.

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