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16 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

experiencing really negative thoughts from out of nowhere.  Over the weekend and this morning too I found myself saying "I hate my life" and "I wish I could end it".  I sometimes said it out loud.  It's very frustrating because I don't really feel that way but sometimes my tension and anxiety boil over and it seems like these extreme statements act as a circuit breaker that snap me out of a downward spiral.  

TRIGGER WARNING [SUICIDE]

Not sure if it's "out of nowhere". But perhaps it's just a way to express other feelings (than real suicidality) in a way that is so often heard and seen "around": Similarly to swearing; we learn that some words convey some kinds of emotions and we don't mean them literally. Think of the F word - would you ever wonder "why would I want someone to literally "f... themselves" (ehm; if such a thing is/was possible)? It's out of nowhere; I don't want people to do that!" It seems to me that for some people and in some cases, saying things like "I'd wish to kill myself" is similar to swearing - it is a way to "vent" some emotions, not an expression of a real wish. But as we are (mainly of we are part of a community like this, with so many suicidal people!) habituated to beware of this kind of speech and thinking as it's seen as a huge risk factor of suicide, we take it perhaps too literally when it's not meant that way and it scares us. Doing it in case of others is a good way to be cautious, because "you never know [how much serious they are]", but if it's oneself who thinks / says that, I'm not sure being too alarmed is good, in case if, at the same time, one doesn't agree with the "suicidal statements". What do you think? I hope you see I'm not diminishing your suffering! I think it is important to address the reasons that lead to such thoughts! I'm only trying to re-direct the attention from the perhaps "exaggerated" perceived danger of the thoughts themselves to thinking about some positive changes that might be done to increase wellbeing (instead of being focused on "preventing suicide", thus still thinking (also) about death instead of more constructive reflections). (Sorry; I wrote this in a too complicated way - sometimes I overdo the attempt not to be misconstrued and it comes out less clear :redface:.)

16 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

when I am temped to drink is I ask myself "what's it going to do?".  This always helps because I know the answer is "nothing good".  

TRIGGER WARNING [BINGING]

OK, I'll try saying this to myself explicitly and out loud. But when I'm "in the temptation/craving/... mode", I cannot care about logical arguments nor even about myself and my future. I just "don't care at all" and do the worst thing. (In my case, it's overeating and... even though I want not to have any junk-food around (it doesn't help much because I can binge healthy food as well if there's no junk around, or I can create "unhealthy food" out of "healthy" ingredients - it's all about the amount, obviously), I also, sometimes, switch to the "disconnected (from reason)" mode in shops and buy some junk. For instance, I buy it telling myself: "I'm going to teach myself self-control: I won't eat the whole bag of chips at once, but I'll eat only a little bit each day during the week, so it will make me feel good about my self-control." And then I eat it all on my way (!!!) home, not caring at all about anything :( .  And... I'd always used to be very interested in healthy eating etc.; I know very well how and why what food is bad for me, so... there's no lack of info or lack of reasons to fear the consequences; there's just "a switch" in my brain that makes me totally indifferent towards everything except for "tasting something moreish for the longest time possible".) I hope very much my descriptions won't influence you nor anyone else negatively! I'm afraid it may have a negative impact; reading about people like me who've lost their self-control and ignore any reasonable advise although they do agree with the advise. :( ...

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Hey @LaLa thanks for the thoughtful response.  Let me first clearly say I am not all suicidal. I still enjoy my life despite it's challenges.  My mind does sometimes blurts out these negative statements but I am working on the unhappiness that causes it.  I think I have formulated something of a plan.  It's staring to take shape.  The last six weeks were hell dealing w sickness (flu) and snow and it forced me to use up valuable vacation time.  That and a host of other little things going wrong left me feeling upset.  

Sorry to hear about the over eating problem.  I have gained a few pounds this last month.  I was doing well being a semi vegetarian but then developed a craving for sweets - cake and pie mostly.  I hope to get back on track real soon for health and appearances reasons.  I wish you well w your struggle w it too.  

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alcohol is my only true crutch remaining because I no longer do drugs, I gave up smoking many years ago, I seldom gamble anymore, and my porn/sex addiction is under control.

Don't get me wrong, I've considered stopping drinking and I have cut down a lot but a few glasses of bourbon on Friday alway signifies the beginning of the weekend and a the last glass of bourbon on Sunday signifies the end. Unless I have a business dinner I do not drink Monday through Thursdays.

I know alcohol is not "good" for me but it does make me feel better by relieving stress and worry.

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Yesterday was Saturday and I am glad that I did not drink at all even though it was warm and I was tempted to.  

Today is Sunday and I have tomorrow off because my car needs work so I might treat myself to a few beers 🍻 tonight.  There is something about Sunday that makes me really enjoy alcohol when I have Monday off. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

No booze this weekend horray but I did over do it w caffeine.  Hanging w my friend in Starbucks I had 2 venti "signature" coffee w cream and it was so good BUT 5 hours later and I am still flying.  Hope I can downshift soon enough for bed.  

Oh well go w the flow.  I did use the energy to get a few things done like polishing shoes, taking the trash out and prepping for the workweek.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think things just happen slowly but they will happen in my own way in my own time and I think I was thinking about it and I think things should probably be okay eventually so I just can't figure it out in my head right now how it will end but it's just hard because I feel a little lost because there's just no good endings anymore. There is something wrong with a person who thanks that they can only get through a day if they have drugs, and I don't even care what kind of drugs anymore. And that's not like me, so I feel like I won't ever be able to be clean and if that's the case then what does that mean for the rest of my life? And that's really scary cuz it feels like everything I touch I mess up so what am I supposed to do?

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 thank you, but rehab is no longer a possibility for me because it wouldn't help anyway I have already been a number of times and I know exactly what they tell you there and I don't really do well in rehab anyway well actually I kind of do depending on which one but it doesn't matter because I can't go. This is up to me to figure out and I know I will but even though I say I want to be off drugs and I do want to be off drugs I still really really want to take the drugs as well does that make sense? I wish more than anything that I could stay clean my life could be so much better, I realize how many opportunities are lost and how badly I messed up and I know that I still have much much more to lose and that is scary because even knowing these things I still choose to do what I do I never realize how selfish I truly was, I used to think I was a good person I thought that I wasn't selfish at all. But just because I may not be selfish with material things or other stuff I am truly selfish when it comes to how I want to feel and I want to feel the way I feel when I am using drugs. I don't know what I need even though I know how bad the consequences can be I just that just isn't enough to stop me right now so I think that is what I have to figure out is what would make me stop. The only thing that ever has made me stop is when my parents find out what I am doing but then that just means I have to go to a rehab again but that also means that I break my mom's heart and if she knows that I am not clean right now I know for a fact that she will lose all hope in me because she accidentally sent me a text a couple years ago that she meant to send to my sister saying that she already thought there was no hope for me but since then she thinks I have been clean and I think she is feeling better about me and there is no way that I will take that away from her. My mom I think is a very depressed person right now it while she has been for a while ever since something happened she has changed but that's why I can't add to whatever pain she is dealing with because I know she is dealing with a lot of pain. But she is so much stronger than me because she not only deals with the pain without any kind of drugs or alcohol but she also takes care of her family and even though she can be mean I know that she doesn't mean it and she still tries hard sometimes to be nice and there is just so much. But it's just I don't know I can't even know what I'm trying to say because I guess I know that I have two choices and one is to keep using and the other is to tell my parents which I cannot do. So I guess I will continue to use. I guess that means honestly that there is nothing else to say about this and that I am just complaining right? That's what it really is. I mean I don't see a third option not a realistic one, because I know myself and I just can't explain how strong the pull for me to do drugs is it's not even a question of if I will it's if it's there I will. I havr absolutely no self-control.

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Small star there is no one living who is not selfish with their feelings. People may be selfless in act and possessions but no one wants to constantly all the time feel like shit...depressed, inferior, hopeless, lonely... whatever. Libraries are overflowing with self help literature on precisely that - making us feel good about ourselves. That's not selfish it's self preservation and sanity. I don't do narcotics but am so mired in fantasy and pornography that its become habitual.

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 No ij,  that's I think part of my problem that makes me want to use drugs even more is that my mom controls every minute of my life,  I work a lot everyday but Sunday from 7 in the morning til 7 at night and on sundays she has the whole day planned out and it doesn't matter what I want to do because if I don't want to do something or go somewhere then I am the worst daughter and she is really nasty to me so I don't even have the time to sneak away for some kind of help if I wanted to and I just don't trust my doctor to help me because I think he would just insist I go to rehab and if I said no he would cut off my meds then I would have to explain to my mom why I have no meds to give her cause she keeps all my meds hidden and gives me what I'm supposed to take when I'm supposed to take it so I can't tell the dr cause I don't trust him.  I like him but he wouldn't care about my reasons and I'm not saying I don't understand,  I know he'd be doing the right thing probably but that's good for me.  And honestly I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing cause what I'm using right now I could put down if I had to and there's no real withdrawal just be real tired is all and I've already come off it like twice when I couldn't find it cause the guy ran out and I don't know no one else to get this cause it's not real popular around here,  around here it's just all heroin everywhere,  it's really kind of sad cause it didn't used to be like that.  It's just like all of a sudden everybody is a heroin addict like I think the high school and college kid must think it's cool or something cause it seems like people use it these days the way people used pot when I was in school.  They don't realize how bad it is and how quickly it can ruin your life and that there is nothing cool about it but you know you can tell kids anything I just don't know what they're thinking.  When i was in high school if someone showed me heroin i would have been scared and certainly would not have done it,  I never heard of kids doing drugs like that when I was in school they would just drink and smoke pot. But anyway because I live at home and also obviously because of my history with drugs my parents watch every little thing I do and treat me like a child and I feel like a child and even act like a child and I often forget how old I really am so when I see people I know who are my age and they have their own families and they look and act so old and they're teachers and cops and stuff then I feel so awful and just i can't even think of the word but it's like I feel like there's something really wrong with me and it breaks my heart that I never grew up because when I was young before I knew that it would never even come close to happening for me I always pictured myself married and always always with children,  like an actual real person but now I'm already 35 and I am 100% certain that will never happen and because of that it literally makes my head spin with confusion trying to figure out what the point is of me being here alive on earth anymore,  there is just no sense to it.  There is absolutely no meaning to my life,  there is nothing I just work and do what my mom tells me to do on Sundays.  It's not fair to me to have to keep trying cause now that there's no point to trying because I missed my chance but I'm trying to try anyway I just don't know what I'm trying for or then what if i do happen to get clean.  Cause now after all these years of being an addict,  that's the only thing that has mattered since I've been an adult is either finding and doing drugs or messing up so bad that my parents find out what I've been doing and then I'm in rehab.  That's really it,  anything besides that in my life is just the stuff I'm required to do.  I don't even really have friends only the one and I never even get to see her anymore and she has her own problems and what I'm doing now I can't even talk to her about because I promised her I wouldn't do this anymore cause for some reason she thinks of it as really bad as opposed to other drugs. Which I think is stupid because all the ones I like are pretty bad so what makes this one special? Only that it isn't common around here.  But I can't really ever see her for more than a few minutes anyway.  It's just every part of my life is messed up and it's all just too much and without drugs I don't think anyone would be able to take it. 

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Oh and I understand klingsor but I guess I don't mean I think I'm selfish because I don't want to feel bad but because in order for me not to feel bad I have to do bad things and it hurts my family but I'm too worried about myself and not about them or how bad they would feel if they knew what I was doing though I guess really I would prefer if they just left me alone and didn't worry about what I was doing because I can handle myself it's keeping everything hidden that is the hard part.  They just never did any kind of drugs so they think it's really bad but it's not that bad it just sucks when you have to stop that's Al l 

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My problems with SPS and pornography and depression have had the same consequences for me. I'm 31 and what you describe is exactly my life. I'm dead for all practical purposes now. If I had access to anything that could make me feel worth living I'd take it. Sorry you're having a bad time. I'll be your friend for whatever that's worth. I'll stop commenting now, I just strongly identify with how you describe your life. Take care

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Sometimes there are no easy answers.  

I have had people say "why don't you just quit your job" or "why don't you just move away" etc but for me that is very intimidating.  

Sometimes you have to wait for the right moment before you can make your move.  

Thanks for telling some of your story @smallstar.  Could you cut back your usage to a maintenance level?  Maybe then you could get your head clear and begin to take steps towards positive change.  I hope things get better for you. 

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Hi ya, it's like these were just cuz when you say the word just it makes it sound like it's supposed to be easy or something like I can't think of the word but if you just did that like only like it's not a big deal. Might not sound like a big deal or be a big deal for others but for some people it can really be a very big deal even if it's something stupid. But yeah you know there ain't no maintenance level for me cuz I just can't maybe on some days but normally it's like all or nothing you know?

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Yeah I do know.  I dated and really like a girl who was a heroin user. This was back in 1991. I finally cut ties after seeing her thru her 3rd detox because I realized she was not going to quit.  I googled her name and sure enough her arrest record came up.  She got caught back in 1997.  I have no idea what her situation is currently.  

Its amazing you are able to work and be around your family and no one suspects anything.  It sounds risky to say the least.  

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