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Well first of all I am not using heroin and I never really said that nobody suspected anything I'm just spected all the time. Anytime I do anything slightly different from what I usually do it's question. It's frustrating and makes it hard to you know just do Anything at all you know? But the thing is with what I am using it makes you want to do a lot of stuff so like I don't think my mom really questioned it because I am helping her with anything she needs and I am not complaining. But the problem is that you get fixated on something and totally obsessed with it, I was up until 5 in the morning cutting my toenails last night and today my mom just texted me right before I came outside because she said I have an upstairs washing my hands for the whole hour. There are a lot of things that I get fixated on and obsessed with. At work I try to choose the things that are more important to be done because I know anything I start to do I will have a very hard time putting down. And that is hard for me at work because I am constantly interrupted I can never finish one task before something more important comes up and I am sent it to do that. But other than that it doesn't really show any way that I noticed. So it doesn't make my mom think of drugs because it's kind of the opposite of what she is used to with me. In the past has always been opiates so she would find me passed out and nodding off and things like that and she was very upset because she would know what that was even if I just tried to say I was tired she might have said okay but she knew. So right now I am lucky. But it is whatever you know because the thing is I always just assumed that at some point I would get clean and that would be that I would become an adult and have a real life and everything else but I cannot believe how long it has been and it's just still the same stuff and of course I know that's my fault but it really makes me feel very hopeless because I honest to God I have no idea how I could possibly live life get through days with nothing at all to help it's just crazy to think about do you know what I mean it's just when I try to look at the future or think about it I really have no hope and there is nothing for me in the future nothing at all it's just for everyone else for all the real people as I call them the people who figured out life

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@smallstar Sorry.  I misunderstood.  Sometimes it's hard to get exactly what someone is saying from reading.  I think I understand now.  

You are to be commended for hanging in there, working a full time job, doing your best w the family situation.  Maybe at some point you will find an escape, a better, happier situation.  I hope so.  

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Ha thanks but trust me I do and have done nothing to be commended for.  Really,  I don't even know how many years it is anymore that I have been fighting so hard to get off drugs and once I get my chance I give it up as soon as I can. You know when I get these chances I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from me. I go and get clean somewhere and I come home and that quickly I seem to have forgotten how bad things can get and how desperate I can get. How lonely this is, how shameful it is and how much guilt you have with you every second of every day. Sometimes I act like an asshole and act like I don't care and like I am happy to be high. But it's never really that way. Even if I come on here saying you know it's okay I can get off this not a problem and it really helps me and you know I'm just whatever. But it's never really like that. Especially once a day ends then I'm in my room by myself. And you know this is the one place I can go but the fact is that has been the same shit ever since I signed up for this community. And that makes it very hard to come on here and write about this again or ask for help or anything cuz what else can anyone even say to me? They have said it all, they have given me time and effort to try to help me. And I'm sure that it looks like I don't care and I'm ungrateful because I just have never been clean for much more than the time I spent in rehab.  But actually this place got me through my worst times. I will never forget those times. And I pray never to be in that position again. what I'm going through now is bad enough on its own I don't need the added stress of other problems. Is there anyway you can see why it's hard for me to come here and you know you know of course I want people to talk to me I  can't feel anyway because is just like I read back in my old blogs from years ago and I sound exactly the same then as I do now. Actually I was a little more cocky back then I think. I didn't realize it at the time but reading back I kind of feel embarrassed. Funny ways sometimes I come here and I just act like an asshole I'd guess probably because I feel ashamed that I'm always I  the same position. So like I said I have done nothing in my life to be commended for. I am capable of working a full-time job so I work a full-time job. I think that everyone should work if they are able. That's just life you work for what you want and what you need. I absolutely hate when people think they deserve something because they work or whatever I don't know alright talk to you later bye

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@smallstar - Yeah I am surprised there are not more posts re substance abuse.  Not sure what to make of it. I know there are any number of closed Facebook groups for this. I am part of the Wharf Rats one.  

It's brutally hard to get off drugs.  Look it's just my opinion but I think anyone who is trying is to be commended.  

My middle two years of college were a marijuana haze and then senior year I turned 21 & dove into a river of beer and whiskey that I only recently (3 years?) swam out of.  At a certain point I asked myself "what does it do?".  My answer is "nothing" and that was my breakthrough.  

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Starshine, I see you being aware, open, and honest. I hear you that this is a difficult battle and has been for many years. :(

My concern for you is a possible escalation of things...do you think that is happening? I could be off, but I hope you will stay safe. I believe there is always a chance things can change and improve. 

Strength and care to you, Starry.

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Interesting cuz if I were to ask myself that question I would have a lot of answers. Drugs to do a lot for me. I have never found a substitution for drugs to do what drugs do for me. Maybe that's why I can't stop. I have to be at work at 6 a.m. all this week. And I am really not good at being in work early. And I really don't want to be there that early because I can't understand why I am going to be there there early and I don't want to have to deal with certain bosses. But I can't just not come at 6 when I was specifically told to. But anyway I was very busy today and I didn't get into bed until too late so now I think I will just stay awake until 5 when I will get up to get ready and get out of the house. Because I just think that's a better idea than trying to fall asleep right now for a couple of hours and I feel like crap when I wake up. Anyway I really probably would not consider joining any Facebook groups or anything like that. I hardly ever go on Facebook but also to join a group or another place like this I just wouldn't have the energy to start all over again trying to meet people and I just feel like the people here already know everything about me as far as with you no like drugs and my attempts again and clean and just stuff like that. I just have no interest and you know trying to meet new people online cuz who really feels like doing that okay talk to you later

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No i j, it's not been escalation it's just just not something that I normally do, I mean it's new for me. And it's not that hard to get off of if you want to get off it. And you know like of course I want to be all of it but I also want to still have the effect you know that's what I want. But what I mean is like if I need to get off at like 4 I have to do that drug test for my doctor and so I have like a big like 2 weeks or so so I don't think he's going to forget about it you know? But I don't know it's still just not easy. Today was the first day with my boss being out. And supposedly what I heard today was that he will be out for 12 weeks which is like 3 months which means like the entire season. It wasn't that bad except for the fact that I couldn't do anything for more than two minutes without being interrupted. And what I love most about my job is being able to work on what I want to and you know spend time on it until it's done.  

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I just hope you are ok is all @smallstar.  I'm not trying tell ya what to do or sound like a know it all.  I hope you find some time to get some good sleep and to take good care of yourself.  I hate to think of anyone being up all night and then going to work all day.  

There is one drug is still abuse: caffeine.  I luv my coffee and Pepsi max zero sugar.  I get awake & get my work done when I get flying w that.  I can do without it, I have proven that, but its miserable.  

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Hmm. I ingest my caffeine everyday in the form of a pill. I don't drink coffee and soda just doesn't cut it for me. But honestly I don't even notice it. But if I don't take it I notice cuz I get a headache that won't go away all day no matter how much Motrin I take.

I normally sleep all night it was just that last night I wanted to get to bed early because I had to get up extra early but I was working in my yard planting stuff and by the time I got done and cleaned up and all that it was after 10 when I got in bed. And it just wouldn't have been enough sleep so it's easier to stay up sometimes then it would be to have to wake up. I think waking up is one of the most miserable things we have to do in life. So last night I wanted to just stay awake so that I obviously when I had to get up right? But I fell asleep around 3 or so which kind of sucked because I was late to work because it was too hard to get up. Actually it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And for some reason I don't feel tired even after working all day.

Deleted shit about work caused it was too specific and obvious 

Okay talk to you later

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Oh, one more thing, why would you try to prove to anyone that you could go without caffeine? Especially if it made you miserable. The whole world runs on caffeine so you don't have to prove anything to anybody

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I don't know if you read that text two above this one or not but I have to delete it. I didn't realize where I was writing and I just feel like what I wrote is too obvious. I mean it's pretty specific and I just don't feel comfortable with it being with their. And if you didn't read it don't worry you didn't miss anything that you would be interested in lol.

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There was a period of time where I was overdoing coffee to the point where it was giving me problems. Not going into the details, but so far I am ok w it 'cause I only drink it in the morning.  

@smallstar no I didn't read the unedited version but that's ok. I get the gist of it and am just glad you are ok.  

 

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I took a nap after work for an hour I was so tired, it was Friday night.  I was wide awake later so I decided to enjoy 3 beers 🍻 Genesee Creem Ale a great upstate NY beer.   This was 11pm at night and it was fun.  Slept ok and not feeling too bad thank god although not feeling particularly energetic.  

Its Saturday AM and I am having coffee and susposta catch up w a friend later and I might enjoy a few more beers today we shall see.  

I am seeing all the great times and summer concerts that I am missing and it makes want enjoy something so that is why I reached for the beer.  

Plus I put in a decent week at work and am hopeful things are cool there.  Hopefully I can get things done tomorrow that I really need to because today I want to take a break from being in "do stuff" mode every minute.  

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It makes sense, at least to me, to drink some beer occasionally instead of never doing it again (knowing that you're not an alcoholic), and as you keep this kind of 'diary' about it where you 'keep track' of it 'analyse' your reasons and related feelings, it sounds nice to see you enjoyed some beer ("despite" the overall tendency to limit your 'consumption of it).

Have a nice weekend!

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Thanks @LaLa.  Yes it worked out well.  My friend and I went to a restaurant and sat in the outdoors section and enjoyed beer and lots of good food.  

Later after I dropped him off I came home and had beers and watched TV until bedtime.  

I slept really well thank god so I feel half decent all things considered.  Hope to have a relaxing day and try to not worry about things I didn't get done this weekend. The heck w it. Life's too short 

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So I ended up having 3 Natural Light and it was a treat but I felt a bit hung over this morning.  Yep, just from three.  

I actually went into work for a couple hours both yesterday and today and got a decent amount done.  Took a long nap after I got home.  Now I am just going to rest and do a few easy things until nighttime.  

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