Strange thoughts and associations- A hole that I just can't seem to dig myself out of....

[Auptraum123]

Hello,

I have Schizoaffective disorder, and I don't want to degrade myself but I feel like I've always had thoughts/associations and feelings that most other people don't have and/or don't experience them.

Especially this past year and a half, I've been having really odd thoughts and respective associations that link and go along with those thoughts.

I will describe some of my thoughts below. Please do not judge me, for if I had the power to get myself out of these thinking patterns I would.

My thoughts, if viewed from a third party, probably wouldn't seem to make any sense. They make superficial sense to me, but it's really only because associations link them together in my mind to make them seem plausible to myself.

One thought I remember having concerns necrophilia. Now, I would never engage in intercourse with a dead body, but I feel like there was/is thoughts that come up as a result of other thoughts in my mind which say to me stuff like, well if I have intercourse with a dead person's body then I would become like them and my skin would become good and nice and moist and cold and like female skin (I am not transgender.) I say like female skin because once I had a crush on a young woman in my high school in my grade and this crush quickly turned into a desire to become her, maybe because I wanted to become her because I was going through a lot of problems then and if I thought that if I became like her all of my problems would go away because she was perfect. So, I became obsessed with her, I thought that if I used like same products as I thought she did that I would be on my way, one step forwards, towards physically becoming her, or at least something like her. Keep in mind, additionally, that I am not like "Buffalo Bill" on the Silence of the Lambs movie, who made a woman suit for himself because he hated his body. It was not like that for me. For me, it was more like my mind gets preoccupied with certain themes which in turn tie into other themes and from there branch off and give birth to many psychological associations.

I feel like my thoughts are at least not often logically connected to each other, and I don't feel like that they really are in chronological order either. And it seems like no matter how hard I try and how long I try, I just never seem able to liberate myself from these strange and harmful thoughts. It's like fighting in quicksand, you can temporarily gain ground, but in the end it just sucks you down to the same spot where you began with or even sucks you down further. I remember some time back, like a year and half ago or something like that, where I was intensely concerned with US foreign policy, especially with regards to the invasion of Iraq. I read a lot of Noam Chomsky, and it just made my paranoia and destructive thinking a thousand times worse. I remember thinking that Rite Aid was one of the architects in the 2003 invasion of Iraq, because to me, associationally at least, it made almost perfect sense.

I have so many other strange thoughts and associations, I could detail them forever, but I want to get to another topic for now.

I can't get back my old interest in Biology and Medicine, before a lot of this crap started to occur within me in like early 2011. It feels like now my primary concerns/interests are decoding and figuring out how the choice of certain words such as used by the elites in government and business are intentionally designed and structured to influence and set parameters on people's thinking so as in turn to justify control and oppression of them. I am always trying to examine the inherent and intrinsic structure of words and/or sentences in order to break their power of influence over me. I especially view word and sentence structure as being tools that are incredibly often designed and manipulated as well as exploited in order to further the agenda of controlling people, especially myself, so as to justify oppression, evil, greed, and so forth. I have a strong tendency to see 'hidden' agendas and plots behind lots of things, especially word and sentence structure(s). And I don't just think that way with regards to words and sentences, but I also see hidden agendas and plots behind lots of things in life. For example, one time I stopped going to my therapist (I went back to him shortly after), with one the reasons being that I thought he was somehow get me to come see him again primarily because he wanted my insurance money. So I thought that he was just lying to me and trying to subtly manipulate me.

So, I mean, those are some examples of my thinking patterns, and I was wondering if anyone with the same and/or similar condition to mine thinks in a similar way.

Again, please don't judge me, as I truly wish I did not have these thoughts and feelings, but nevertheless they still remain there in my mind.

[finding my way]

I am not judging you, Auptraum.

There are others on this site with intense thoughts and associations that can spiral them into a difficult place. Things are a little slow right now at the forum, but I hope you get some responses.

Do you and your therapist have things you are working on for de-escalating spinning thoughts? Are there any absorbing activities that help you channel some of this intensity to give you healthy relief?

[IrmaJean]

No judgment from me either. All of us are human and we all have struggles. We are here to support you.

Sometimes, I think, it may not be so much about what thoughts are specifically, but rather the pattern of having them. Do these thoughts and associations feel intrusive and/or obsessive? Do they occur at times when you are feeling particularly stressed or anxious? How might you support a friend who expressed something similar to you? I also think it would be good to work with your therapist on methods to use to help you calm these thoughts when they begin.

Take care, Auptraum. I hope you feel better.

[LaLa]

I'm not judging you either. I'm just thinking about it and trying to figure out what could perhaps be helpful. I can't help you by offering some similar experiences, but I'm sure there are people (although possibly not among members here -?) who have very similar problems. Why do I call it "problems"? Not because "it's weird/unusual to have such thoughts"; it can be perfectly OK and even awesome (in case of geniuses and some creative artists) to "have unusual thoughts / fantasies". But it seems your are bothering you, preventing you from leading a more fulfilled life, having satisfying relationships, feeing safe enough to be yourself in the society, ... I personally think, for instance, that there can be some truth in what you say about manipulation by politicians by their rhetorics (although I suppose most of them probably do it just intuitively, not with a clever, elaborated strategy) and it can be even interesting some paying attention to it (and being thus less influenceable by them), but if this thinking takes too much of your time and you then can't find time and desire to do something truly meaningful for your life (which might be biology and medicine, as you've mentioned, but also something else - it's up to you to decide, of course), then the thoughts may be seen as a problem. As others have already mentioned, therapists should be able to offer and "teach" some strategies to "handle" this kind of thinking. What about your therapist?

Take care and good luck; I hope mainly that your current fears will disappear soon...

[Wayless]

This might seem to be an odd approach, but I would suggest considering all thoughts "just theories" about the world.  That puts them in their place.  You might then assign a likely probability to each thought.

BTW:  Many psychotherapists do manipulate patients to maximize fees instead of help.  Not a far out theory at all in itself.  However, you need to have some specific evidence before you act on it as a high probability theory.

[MAK KAME]

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