Job fears

[Small]

@Klingsor

My dad was uninvolved with me too & he didn't teach me much either. He punished me excessively but it they were more about how pissed off he was than what I had actually done. I mostly stayed out of his way. I'm wondering if this explains some of our similarities. What about you @Victimorthecrime

 

[Victimorthecrime]

@Small my dad was a nice guy thank god but very very quiet.  Plus he worked a lot of hours, including odd hours so there definitely was a suboptimal level of interaction.  

My mother was also very sweet by emotionally unstable. I would not be surprised if she had what they today call "borderline personality disorder".  

And there was me - an undersized, under courageous only child 👶. You probably get the picture.  

 

[Small]

@Victimorthecrime

There's a commonly accepted theory in psychology (the name escapes me) that our "inner voice" is in fact the voice of our parents or primary caregivers for the most part. I wonder if this lack of a genuine parental inner voice contributes to a difficulty in facing our problems with any sense of (parental) fortitude or authority? You, klingsor & I have described quite a substantial lack of parental guidance. 

[Small]

By the way, my dad was very quiet too, hardworking & a good person. Idk. His style of parenting was avoidance. I don't begrudge him. I try to look after him when i can. I've said this to my sister but I'm grateful for it now. Because my inner voice is mostly my own & not his - something I value.

[Klingsor]

My father is of Scots Irish extraction and there is something about the Irish temper that is instantly recognizable. Case in point - he looks nothing like Bill oreilly, but that video of oreilly going ballistic on camera that leaked several years ago is a perfect representation of what I'm talking about. It's something in the eyes and face you can just instantly recognize. My dad was a fanatical disciplinarian, physically abusive, with a massive inferiority complex who gave me nothing except his overwhelming sense of inferiority. 

[Victimorthecrime]

According to his daughter, the last words of pop star David Cassidy were "so much wasted time".  It's so true. Life is fleeting and we spend it angry, avoiding, over working, feeling inferior.  

[Klingsor]

Victim - do you have any good coping strategies for work? Dealing with the sociopaths and assholes? The grind? 

[Victimorthecrime]

Short answer: the less said the better!  Keep my mouth shut! 🤐 

[LostBoy]

Even though I wasn't asked, I'll give my "two cents" from the dark side (management) because that's what managers do, get involved even when we're not asked.

I believe that all jobs can suck, or all can be great, depending on how each individual chooses to deal with the various challenges. In the end, the only person you can control is yourself.

I work in a high stress, high activity, demanding, and thankless field but I work with a great group of people (not only those under me but my peers and senior management as well). We have a host of different personalities, beliefs, and opinions but I am of the mindset that most people want to do what's right. How we get to that answer may take different paths and we may not always agree but even when I think someone is dead wrong (or even when I sometimes think they are morons) I try to remind myself that they believe in their opinions as much as I believe in mine. At the end of the day I hold no grudges. I have been in knock down arguments with individuals but I don't take it personally and I don't allow hatred to dwell in me. I brush it off of my shoulder and move on. I truly believe that this is the only real way to keep from being miserable.

I'll definitely sound like management with this next statement....our differences are what will enable success. Diversity of thought, work style, personality, and even our sociological background all goes into creating something greater than ourselves if we open our minds and allow it to do so. Even though most corporations seem to believe that diversity is all about skin color and gender (because that is the easiest way to define it), I believe diversity goes a lot deeper and regardless of race/sex we can be diverse in opinion and background.

I'm now getting on a little bit of a soap box but bare with me. I could stick 10 middle aged white guys in a room and even though they have the same external skin pigmentation and share the same born gender this does not mean that they are not diverse.

So, I'm fairly confident that I said a lot yet I didn't answer @Klingsor_the_Capon's question so this is yet another sign that I am management.

 

[IrmaJean]

I will add my 2 cents. Struggles for me in the workplace include handling all of the sensory input, remaining calm when there's a lot happening and way too much to do for the time alotted, letting go of my need to control (and my tendency toward perfectionism) and learning to delegate tasks. The key to survival for me is my self talk and how I care for myself during all of this. I usually don't have any problems getting along with co-workers, fortunately. Victim, you l mentioned not saying too much... I think I understand. I try to share only with my h; otherwise my response is "I just push buttons." :/ Stay focused, stay on task, remain calm as much as possible, limit gossiping or complaining, healthy self-care...always a work in progress for me.

I hope things go more smoothly for you soon at work, Klingsor.

[Victimorthecrime]

11 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

I usually don't have any problems getting along with co-workers, fortunately.

That would annoy me if I worked with you 😝😂

Just kidding. We would get along great.  

[Victimorthecrime]

Staying as positive as reasonably possible, staying focused, and having things outside of work to look forward to are some other coping strategies.  And if the situation is that bad - having an exit plan.  

[Klingsor]

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[Victimorthecrime]

@Klingsor_the_Capon that's for responding.

Random thoughts: I definitely think some guys have been dealt a shitty hand in life. No argument there.  

I struggle to find anything to look forward to and the stuff I do is small potatoes like watching the Villanova v Kansas game tonight.  Also I just like not being at work and relaxing so there's that.  

Any chance you could move out of the apartment you are in to something w/o college kids?  That nonsense would annoy me too.  

[LostBoy]

I agree with Victim on the apartment. That would drive me crazy and I would be actively looking for a different place to live.

Also, if you have a college education and are a technical manager in your field, are you actively trying to find a job you might enjoy more?

I'm of the mindset that if you're not happy with your current situation then do something different to try and improve it. If you're not willing to take that step then you can't expect things to get better.

[Klingsor]

Yeah Vic, just not having to be there is nice. I like my morning coffee and reading early in the morning. 

[LostBoy]

Well I mentioned it in another post but I thought this would be the right place to vent and get things off my chest.

I am currently working on a project that would result in the reorganization of my team. As part of the reorganization design I eliminated my current role because it would be better to be combined with another role at a higher level. By doing this I basically designed myself out of a job and put myself in a position where I will now have to interview for another opportunity.

What sucks about this is I really don't have any desire to relocate. I have been in Texas for over 10 years and I enjoy it quite a bit. The people are nice, the weather is fantastic (in my opinion), my hobbies are readily available, I love the local food, the wildlife here is really cool and somewhat unique, I like my house, and the cost of living is good.

If I get the job I will be interviewing for I will have to relocate to a city in the north. While I have nothing against anyone from the north, I have lived in the south all of my life and I really have no desire to move north. I hate the weather (except for the couple of months in the summer where it is tolerable), I'm not a big fan of the food, while there are nice people there seems to be a lot more rude people than in the south, I do not like the style of houses and housing prices are absolutely ridiculous, and the cost of living is much higher.

The other thing that sucks about this is that I will have to interview again and there are no guarantees that I will even get the job so I have no idea where that would leave me. I have been working for my company almost my entire career (20+ years) and this will be the second time that I have basically eliminated my own job. The first time is what brought me to Texas. The big difference between then and now is that my company is currently on a "diversity" kick and they define diversity as females, African-Americans, and Latin-Americans. They have even changed there process for interviewing and hiring where they can hire based an an individuals potential, not on what they have actually accomplished. What this basically means is that even if I am the most qualified it is highly possible that I will still not get the job if a "diverse" candidate has any capability at all.

Right now I have a high level of anxiety about this entire situation for many reasons. The fear of the unknown is killing me and I don't know how to get out of my own head. I have so many things I need to do in order to "prepare" for this next step, whatever it might be, and I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do it. My current workload is extremely heavy due to a number of large projects that are all occurring at the same time, I end up working late (very late sometimes) almost every day so there is no time to start taking care of the personal preparations that I need to be making.

I am basically feeling overwhelmed with all of it, both professionally and personally. I'm not sleeping well, my stomach stays in knots, and I'm constantly on edge.

I just wanted to vent and get all of this off of my chest because it's eating me up inside and I don't want to freak my wife and kids out with all of this weight because they have enough to deal with on their own because if we move then this is a huge change for them as well.

[Victimorthecrime]

I went into work myself today for an hour and ten minutes to get caught up a bit.   

I have been laid off more times than I feel like counting right now.  

I live in constant fear of losing my job.  

I can't imagine what it is like dealing w all that you are right now @LostBoy.  You are working your ass off for a company that may very well just show you to the door.  

[Klingsor]

I had written a 1-2000 word screed about all this shit but decided there's no point. I stopped posting to the forum because all I have in me is hate and envy and bitterness. It upsets people so I just stopped. I understand what you're going through lostboy and sympathize. It horrifies me to imagine having to deal with wife and kids as well, the job bullshit by itself is enough to cause psychosis. I'm an engineer by training and have seen this happen to colleagues. My career is a failure, my professional life is a failure. I have nothing. I'm finally making plans to commit suicide, there's no point to anything. Nothing changes Exocet we get another year older, uglier, and deeper in debt. We're nothing more than tax slaves. God forbid you're unable to at least pick up women on the weekend or have friends. But kids know as early as grade school how they'll turn out. This was a great article I read where someone finally admitted the unmentionable truth of how luck and opportunity play a huge role in people's fortunes. Also great stuff on the "good boy" risk avoidance profiles of people like me and my family and how this translates into mediocrity. As true today as it was a million years ago and will be a million years from now. It's better to be stupid and aggressive with a bit of sociopathy thrown in if you want any spoils out of life. 

http://rajeshsetty.com/2010/03/29/9-reasons-why-many-smart-people-go-nowhere/

[LostBoy]

Hello @Klingsor_the_Capon

I appreciate your thoughts and comments here and I truly hope things improve for you. I hate to hear that it's gotten bad enough that suicide is being considered. I think your posts have likely helped a large number of people on here so please keep that in mind. We all have a purpose and the potential to add value. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I read the article and agree with almost all of it. First we have to define what successful looks like and it's likely different based on your economic upbringing and current status.

Many people who grew up or currently are lower middle class or under would likely call me successful but I'm fairly sure Bill Gates wouldn't. For someone living out of a box, the lower middle class is successful.

For now I consider myself to be okay but not truly successful. I've often thought about this and have came up with basically the same conclusions as in the article.

1) To be highly successful requires some luck. Being smart can get you a long way but luck is required to reach the destination.

2) It is very difficult to be successful without taking some risks and to be truly successful you have to be willing to take so high stakes risks.

3) You have to be willing to fail. Success requires trying something new and when you do this you are bound to fail. If you are afraid to fail and choose to play it safe in life you will likely not reach your definition of success.

4) You have to be willing to put in the effort. Most highly successful people live and breath what made them successful.  They are not couch potatoes but instead put in countless hours (above and beyond normal job requirements)to reach that level.

I personally believe I have been somewhat lucky up until now and between this and the hard work I've put in these are the only reasons I'm where I'm even at.

I don't like taking risks and I absolutely hate to fail. These two reasons are why I will never be truly successful by my definition.

[Klingsor]

Risk avoidance and fear of failure spring from the same root. My fear of failure is crippling. Failure to me is worse than any physical pain. It's the worst thing conceivable to me. Especially in my case, everything I do turns to shit. So many people cannot or will not understand what that's like. You can rub lamps and make wishes and sing to stars and repeat affirmations a hundred thousand times a day but a hamstrung horse will never win a race with healthy competitors. I'd have been happier shoveling shit in the sunshine and playing out fantasies in my mind than what I've been doing for over a decade now. What I have to show for it would be the same in either case.

[IrmaJean]

1 hour ago, Klingsor_the_Capon said:

Failure to me is worse than any physical pain. It's the worst thing conceivable to me. 

Could there be something deeper here? Did someone shame you in the past? What are you trying to avoid...the failure itself or the feeling behind it? What would happen if you did fail?

I have some fear of it too...maybe we all do to some extent?

The limitations of school from my perspective...school gives us knowledge, but it doesn't teach us how to apply that knowledge out in the world or about the required interactions along the path. It's very structured, whereas the workplace is often chaotic.

Best wishes to all. 

[Victimorthecrime]

Hi @Klingsor_the_Capon I am at work so I will read the article and respond more later but I wanted to say please hang in there, please stay w us. Make whatever changes you need to make in your life to make it worthwhile for you. I know that is easier said than done.

Feel free always to post anything you want on any of my threads.  

Seems like nearly everyone I know is going through a rough time right now.  Believe me, I don't even mention half the shit I am dealing with.  Perhaps one day I will post an epic rant listing all my whoa.  

[Victimorthecrime]

9 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

It's very structured, whereas the workplace is often chaotic.

Our system of education is structural and also it is conceptual, abstract, and open to interpretation (yours & my understanding of the same "facts" may differ greatly) whereas the workplace occurs actual and real-time with little regard to what it should be.  

[Victimorthecrime]

Ok I read the article and here is my quick take: I would define intelligence as the ability to correctly perceive things.  The ability and/or desire to act on those things is an entirely different faculty.