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infrared_radiation

A certain issue

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I lost my mother a few years ago, and I feel like I was such a horrible, nasty person to her, and I don't think it's fair that she's dead, and it makes me feel really bad that she had her life snuffed out just like that in middle age.

I know this is different from what I usually discuss on this forum but it's worth mentioning.

I feel guilty, I feel like such a selfish evil bastard for the way I behaved. And there's no way to turn back the clock and reverse things.

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It's true: clocks only go forward.

And it's not fair that any of us die, but it's true.

How did you behave towards her? And, only tell us if it would help you; you could still do something like write it out for yourself to read, so that you can see it instead of only being able to think it (sometimes that changes how things sound.) It might be worth asking yourself whether she might have understood how you acted, though. She was your mother, and for many of us, that's the person who knows us best (not uniformly true, of course.) You could tell us about her, if you want; maybe that would help you organize your thinking about how she might have felt, and about how you felt about her?

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Sorry for not replying to this earlier.

It's a difficult subject for me to talk about.

When I talk about other things on this forum, I talk about de-personalised abstractions that don't relate to people that I actually know.

Actually, I wasn't bad to my mother all the time. A lot of the time, I was good to her. But some of the time I was bad, and a few things I said were very nasty indeed. Like telling her to die in a fit of rage when she was terminally ill. That kind of thing.

She's been dead for several years now. I suspect she also knew a little thing or two about what I have been posting in my big thread. But when she was alive I hadn't developed fully the self hatred complex. At that stage it was still hatred directed towards others.

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At times I feel just like killing myself. I have too many problems. But I never will. Don't have the guts to kill myself. Don't have the courage. Can't do it, because even if I want to do it, I know full well the finality of it and that's what scares me about it. In other words, I'm just a fucking coward who is too scared to kill himself.

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