I just don't know what to do anymore...

[BloodyMarii]

Ever since I was little my mother has neglected me and emotionally abused me. My father wasn't around often becuase he was the only one that worked. My mom would sleep all day when I was a toddler and wouldn't feed me, so I usually didn't get to eat until my dad got home from work, which was usually around 4/5.

My mom once took me to my dad's work and tried to say she "Couldn't handle me" and told him to take me, but obviously he couldn't. She drove down the road and took me out of my car seat and just left me on the side of the road, thank god my dad saw. She always did things like this from what I'm aware of.

My parents got divorced when I was 5, but it didn't really phaze me. They always fought and argued constantly, and sometimes it would erupt into fist fights.

My mom won custody of me after the divorce and she has moved me between schools every year. I'm currently 16, and I've been moved between schools 16 times, and attended 11 different schools. She was never home and just dumped my brothers and I off at my grandparents or her friend, who would lock us in a room all day and neglect us.

In 6th grade I was molested by two boys. I was 12 at the time, and didn't really think that it would happen to me, I didn't know what to do... I felt like that's all I was ever going to amount to. That's when my depression fully kicked in, and I started to cut myself.

My mom found out a little while after, and told me to stop so I did, but it would happen again every now and then when things became too much

By the time I was in 8th grade I was suffering from severe depression, anorexia, and bulimia. My mom didn't notice I was doing any of this becuase she hardly came home to see me. One day at school I cracked... I ended up binge eating the Thanksgiving lunch the school made and ran for the bathroom to throw it all up, but when I went into the bathroom I heard some girls saying I was fat. I had a serious meltdown and left the bathroom before I could purge it up, and they where laughing at me. I ran to my locker and took some of the laxatives I had stolen from my mother, but no matter what I did I just couldn't stop crying. My friend took me to the counselor and I told her everything, about how I'd been cutting, starving, vomiting my food. They had to call my mom and when she came to the school and picked me up she said I was going to go live with my Dad in Florida to get 'help'. She just wanted me gone so she didn't have to deal with it herself.

My first week in Florida I was emitted into a recovery hospital by my dad becuase I was refusing to eat. I stayed there for two weeks. The staff were very rude to me and mean. They would force us to exert ourselves in the gym, which was hard for me since my stamina was shit. We were playing dodgeball one day and I was just coming to home when my ankle popped and I collapsed onto the ground. I was screaming in pain from how bad it hurt, and most of the staff and patients were saying I was "Such a great actor". One of the staff took me to the common area and gave me a wheelchair and ice for my now very swollen ankle. Needless to say I couldn't walk on it. I had to use the wheelchair to get around. Well after the staff switched for the night shift they took away my wheelchair and said I didn't really need it. I had to crawl back to my room sobbing while they taunted me and laughed.

They wanted to keep me there long term, but I didn't want that becuase of what I'd experienced already, so I faked my way out of it. A few weeks later I was put into another recovery hospital for telling the school I had plans to commit suicide. I stayed for three days because I faked my way through it again.

During school one day I overheard my friends talking badly about me in the locker room during gym, so I decided to skip the rest of the day. Well I got caught and was sentenced to in school suspension. Whenever I went, there was this boy on there who started touching me... Touching my breasts and all that and the teachers didn't even notice and I didn't say anything because I thought I deserved this. During lunch break I ran for the bathroom and attempted suicide because all of my past memories where just overwhelming me. A girl came in and took me to the nurses office where they sent me to another recovery hospital, where I yet again faked being fine. My dad was tired of me by this point.

After I returned to school again I got a boyfriend. He was really nice at first, but he kept pressuring me into having sex with him. He came over to my room one day and I just wanted to play video games with him, but he kept touching me. I texted my dad asking for him to come help me and my dad didn't care at all... I ended up gaining the courage to tell him to leave and he did. We broke up after that.

I went back to my moms after the school year ended because my dad's wife didn't want me to stay with them anymore. When I came back my mom made me stop taking my antidepressants, which made my condition worsen dramatically. She took me off my sleep medicine too, so I had a lot of trouble sleeping.

I had plans to just end it all by sneaking to the schools roof and jumping off, but then I met her... The love of my life, I know I'm young or whatever, but she's saved me so much... She means the world to me. She lives in a different state far away from me, so we hardly get to see each other. We've been dating for a year and half now and we've only got to meet once, so you can imagine how hard that must be.

After being neglected by my mother, after my sophomore year I am staying with my grandparents. I tried to get help for my depression, but no one seems to even care. My grandparents say I'm not depressed and that if I take that medicine then I'll shoot up schools or some bs like that. Every day has been getting worse and worse... I stay in my room all day and I don't really talk to anyone except my girlfriend... But when she can't talk those moments are the worst for me. I just want some help... I wanna be happy... I hate being like this but no one cares and I'm trying so hard not to hurt myself... I'm trying to live... It's getting harder and it seems like everyday that goes by I seem to lose more and more of my will to go on... I'm trying so hard and no one around me cares... They make it worse...

I told my mom in the past about being molested since she herself had, I thought she could support me and help me but she said "I'm not stupid enough to go into the woods with boys I don't know." I asked her why she said that to me the other day and she completely denied it and started yelling at me...

I dunno if anyone will even read this long shit... I don't know if anyone out there even cares... I just need help... I need something... I don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I really really need some help... If there's anyone with any advice please... Please... I'm not sure what do anymore...

[IrmaJean]

Hello, BloodyMarii, and welcome.

You have been through so very much in your life. My heart goes out to you. People do care. Your feelings matter. You matter. I'm so sorry your family has been neglectful and not supportive of you. It's good that you are reaching out for help and you want to feel better.

Do you have any trusted adults to talk to? A school counselor? Would your grandparents be willing to take you to see a professional?

Are you able to step outside of the house and take a walk? I find that sometimes getting a space to breathe can help me stay centered.

Can you do something for yourself today? What do you enjoy? I like to write, but recently I even tried to paint. Self-expression can be so very important.

Wishing you serenity and healing, Marii.

[BloodyMarii]

Hello, BloodyMarii, and welcome.

You have been through so very much in your life. My heart goes out to you. People do care. Your feelings matter. You matter. I'm so sorry your family has been neglectful and not supportive of you. It's good that you are reaching out for help and you want to feel better.

Do you have any trusted adults to talk to? A school counselor? Would your grandparents be willing to take you to see a professional?

Are you able to step outside of the house and take a walk? I find that sometimes getting a space to breathe can help me stay centered.

Can you do something for yourself today? What do you enjoy? I like to write, but recently I even tried to paint. Self-expression can be so very important.

Wishing you serenity and healing, Marii.

[BloodyMarii]

Ah sorry I messed up the reply..

Thank you! I will try to take a walk and I'll see what I can do about my grandparents!

[LaLa]

Hello, Marii, welcome!

I'm so sorry you've been through all this and even your grandparents have such dangerous prejudices about mental health and don't help you with getting the professional help you need . I see that being under 18 you have less possibilities to get help for yourself, but don't give it up, try to find someone! Have you seen your current school counselor and tried to explain your situation? I hope there's a way to get medication and psychotherapy for teens even without parental consent (?). (I'm sorry, I'm not from America, I don't know much about the possibilities there, but... you just try as you can to get all the info.)

It's great that you have a girlfriend and I hope she'll be supportive and helpful. I see that the moments when you can't be in contact with her are tough, but... just compare it with the past situation when you even didn't know her and didn't feel loved and understood by somebody (something we all need so much!).

I know it's very hard to be good to yourself when almost everybody close to you treats you badly . But you need to treat yourself as well as you can. It might also help to get engaged in some kind of activity where you can help others. Is some volunteering available to you?

Good luck and take care!