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Resolute

whining thread

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This is heartbreaking news. I'm at a loss for words... So sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Small, and for Res's family and friends. My heart goes out to all of you.

There is an open space to talk and share here. I'm also available privately if anyone ever needs support or even just someone to listen. 

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Thank you. I felt like no one would understand my reason for posting that. I think people find me a corrosive influence. I did all I could to help Resilute, I offered to put him in contact with people at my university which he declined. I'm broke and destitute and have nothing material to offer. But I did try to help the only ways I could. 

I deleted the rest, drunken ramblings.

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I think that there is way more that leads someone to take a final step like that than what one person says, or even doesn't say, to them.  Also you tried to offer practical help.

You are dealing with two losses KC and that is not easy - and that is not blowing sunshine, this is...

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I think all of us tried to help Resolute, but his decision to take his life was outside of our control.

I have questioned myself as well and wondered what I could or might have done differently. For me, during loss, I find that I often need some time to accept what I know to be true I think because the truth is so painful and frightening. Rationally there is awareness that there was nothing any of us could have done to change the outcome...but some part of me still wishes that we could have helped and things might have been different. It's difficult to accept such loss. It's difficult to accept such powerlessness. But here we are, sadly. I hope that sharing here is helpful. It does help me..

I had a good friend who was suicidal at times. I think we do help by standing by and being there, by caring, by being ourselves, by being a friend. We can't fix or change things, but we can stand with a person. You were a friend to Resolute. I hope you won't underestimate what you have to offer, Klingcorn.

 

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Klingsor I hope you read this.  I want to express my deepest condolences to you.  I have lost much in my life.  It's so painful.  You will never get a chance to express your love to them or anything else ever again. Horrible.  

I truely wish the very best for everyone here.  You folks take time out of your day to comfort complete strangers and it is a blessing.  

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If members and Resolute's friends here are in agreement, we can go ahead and lock the thread.

I do want to add that there is an open place to share feelings here on the forum if there is a need to, whether in a different thread or a blog or through messages. Your feelings matter. I hope everyone will listen to their needs.

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@IrmaJean

Well @Klingcorn and I are in agreement. I suppose an opt-out system should be applied here. If no-one states a clear objection towards it then it would be appreciated if you could go ahead and lock this thread. 

 

I probably won't post much from now on. I have no purpose here. I remember thinking that sharing a true feeling is doing the feeling an injustice. It is never received by the listener in the manner it is felt by the one who expresses - and this goes to trivialize it. 

 

Why I have spent over 3 years pouring my heart out only to provide amusement to someone in search for reading material whilst on the toilet puzzles & embarasses me. If I am to treat my feelings with such triviality then by definition my feelings don't matter.

 

Obviously things are different for you Irma because you have legitimate friends that care about what you have to say. I have no one. People are polite to me because they pity me. They probably don't even pity me. In fact I am quite sure I have a small cult of correspondents on here that wished I didn't comment on their threads. And I don't blame them. 

 

Resolute offered people like Klingsor and myself a sense of belonging. He had those intangible qualities that made me feel like I was somehow at home. It's difficult to put into words. I'm sure more people felt like this too but unlike them, I don't have another avenue to turn to on here. Those whom I have tried to befriend off the forum had no room in their life for it & that's fine. I'm not always palatable and I know it.

 

Anyway, this was Resolute's thread. So I should stop there. 

 

 

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Tomorrow August 20 will be one year since Resolute committed suicide. Small and I wanted to temporarily re-open his thread and say something. I hate sounding maudlin or saccharine so I'm just going to say what's on my mind. 

When I first joined the forum, I hated Resolute. I quarreled with him frequently and said some very stupid and embarrassing things to him. At some point, I'm not sure exactly when, we became friends.

Although Resolute would joke and jibe, I never felt threatened by him or genuinely insulted. He always knew where to draw the line without being disrespectful. I frequently would bitch to him about other members privately (Roger, for instance), but Resolute never reciprocated. About anybody. He was truly one of the most honest people I've ever known, with no pretenses. He was intelligent and quick-witted, but not deceitful. He was also kind-hearted. He loved to debate me and also loved to discuss religion, philosophy, logic, etc. We had discussions on Skype that would last 6-8 hours that I really enjoyed. 

There are aspects of his life that he shared with me and Small and which I won't divulge here, but he truly had a shitty existence. Nothing he complained about was hyperbole or self-pity. The last 3 months or so, he turned me to the television program Fringe. Around this time, my grandmother died. I also finished my graduate program and started a new job. I was busy, depressed, and didn't get on Skype much. He loved voice chatting with Small and me, and I still very much regret that I did not make more time to talk with him. It still makes me feel like shit. I honestly don't consider myself a very good conversationalist on a voice call, and so I could never see how he could enjoy it. Thinking about it now, Small and I were probably the only human contact he had outside of his immediate family. 

I wish he was still here. But I understand the motivation. Not a day goes by that I don't want to cut my own throat. Resolute had his faults as we all do, but he was completely without pretense, deception, or hypocrisy. In a world of endless, walking contradictions, he was consistency, clarity, and logic. I don't know much else to say, other than that he showed me that good-natured companionship is possible with other people, something I had begun to doubt decades ago. Quote mining annoys me, but often you run across something that someone else has expressed superlatively well: 

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” 
― Muhammad Ali

 

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