whining thread

[IrmaJean]

This is heartbreaking news. I'm at a loss for words... So sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Small, and for Res's family and friends. My heart goes out to all of you.

There is an open space to talk and share here. I'm also available privately if anyone ever needs support or even just someone to listen. 

[jazz]

   

[Victimorthecrime]

I know jazz.  I can't believe it either. I keep hoping he'll pop up on here.  

[jazz]

Yes Vic - with some funny one liner, or impish comment, or carefully crafted opinion.

 Am so sad about this.

[IrmaJean]

I wish I knew what to say. Maybe sometimes there aren't any words. I hear you. It's very sad.

[Klingsor]

Irrelevant. 

[IrmaJean]

I don't think your feelings are irrelevant.  It's okay to express them.

Some things are beyond our control and they just plain suck.

I hear you.

 

[jazz]

I don't think it's irrelevant either KC. It dramatically showed what you meant and how important good health is as well.

I miss Resolute.

[Klingsor]

Thank you. I felt like no one would understand my reason for posting that. I think people find me a corrosive influence. I did all I could to help Resilute, I offered to put him in contact with people at my university which he declined. I'm broke and destitute and have nothing material to offer. But I did try to help the only ways I could. 

I deleted the rest, drunken ramblings.

[jazz]

I think that there is way more that leads someone to take a final step like that than what one person says, or even doesn't say, to them.  Also you tried to offer practical help.

You are dealing with two losses KC and that is not easy - and that is not blowing sunshine, this is...

 

[IrmaJean]

I think all of us tried to help Resolute, but his decision to take his life was outside of our control.

I have questioned myself as well and wondered what I could or might have done differently. For me, during loss, I find that I often need some time to accept what I know to be true I think because the truth is so painful and frightening. Rationally there is awareness that there was nothing any of us could have done to change the outcome...but some part of me still wishes that we could have helped and things might have been different. It's difficult to accept such loss. It's difficult to accept such powerlessness. But here we are, sadly. I hope that sharing here is helpful. It does help me..

I had a good friend who was suicidal at times. I think we do help by standing by and being there, by caring, by being ourselves, by being a friend. We can't fix or change things, but we can stand with a person. You were a friend to Resolute. I hope you won't underestimate what you have to offer, Klingcorn.

 

[Victimorthecrime]

Klingsor I hope you read this.  I want to express my deepest condolences to you.  I have lost much in my life.  It's so painful.  You will never get a chance to express your love to them or anything else ever again. Horrible.  

I truely wish the very best for everyone here.  You folks take time out of your day to comfort complete strangers and it is a blessing.  

[Klingsor]

Thanks Victim. Resolute was more than a stranger, we spoke several times in voice via Skype. He was easy to talk to and I'll miss him.

[Small]

I'm wondering if we should ask @IrmaJean to lock this thread at some point. Maybe a symbolic send off for the people that want to say a final goodbye. It might sound silly Idk.

[Klingsor]

@Small yes that's a good idea. I don't want to post here again, nothing I said is important and this was resolute's thread. It should be locked.

[IrmaJean]

If members and Resolute's friends here are in agreement, we can go ahead and lock the thread.

I do want to add that there is an open place to share feelings here on the forum if there is a need to, whether in a different thread or a blog or through messages. Your feelings matter. I hope everyone will listen to their needs.

[Small]

@IrmaJean

Well @Klingcorn and I are in agreement. I suppose an opt-out system should be applied here. If no-one states a clear objection towards it then it would be appreciated if you could go ahead and lock this thread. 

 

I probably won't post much from now on. I have no purpose here. I remember thinking that sharing a true feeling is doing the feeling an injustice. It is never received by the listener in the manner it is felt by the one who expresses - and this goes to trivialize it. 

 

Why I have spent over 3 years pouring my heart out only to provide amusement to someone in search for reading material whilst on the toilet puzzles & embarasses me. If I am to treat my feelings with such triviality then by definition my feelings don't matter.

 

Obviously things are different for you Irma because you have legitimate friends that care about what you have to say. I have no one. People are polite to me because they pity me. They probably don't even pity me. In fact I am quite sure I have a small cult of correspondents on here that wished I didn't comment on their threads. And I don't blame them. 

 

Resolute offered people like Klingsor and myself a sense of belonging. He had those intangible qualities that made me feel like I was somehow at home. It's difficult to put into words. I'm sure more people felt like this too but unlike them, I don't have another avenue to turn to on here. Those whom I have tried to befriend off the forum had no room in their life for it & that's fine. I'm not always palatable and I know it.

 

Anyway, this was Resolute's thread. So I should stop there. 

 

 

[Klingsor]

Tomorrow August 20 will be one year since Resolute committed suicide. Small and I wanted to temporarily re-open his thread and say something. I hate sounding maudlin or saccharine so I'm just going to say what's on my mind. 

When I first joined the forum, I hated Resolute. I quarreled with him frequently and said some very stupid and embarrassing things to him. At some point, I'm not sure exactly when, we became friends.

Although Resolute would joke and jibe, I never felt threatened by him or genuinely insulted. He always knew where to draw the line without being disrespectful. I frequently would bitch to him about other members privately (Roger, for instance), but Resolute never reciprocated. About anybody. He was truly one of the most honest people I've ever known, with no pretenses. He was intelligent and quick-witted, but not deceitful. He was also kind-hearted. He loved to debate me and also loved to discuss religion, philosophy, logic, etc. We had discussions on Skype that would last 6-8 hours that I really enjoyed. 

There are aspects of his life that he shared with me and Small and which I won't divulge here, but he truly had a shitty existence. Nothing he complained about was hyperbole or self-pity. The last 3 months or so, he turned me to the television program Fringe. Around this time, my grandmother died. I also finished my graduate program and started a new job. I was busy, depressed, and didn't get on Skype much. He loved voice chatting with Small and me, and I still very much regret that I did not make more time to talk with him. It still makes me feel like shit. I honestly don't consider myself a very good conversationalist on a voice call, and so I could never see how he could enjoy it. Thinking about it now, Small and I were probably the only human contact he had outside of his immediate family. 

I wish he was still here. But I understand the motivation. Not a day goes by that I don't want to cut my own throat. Resolute had his faults as we all do, but he was completely without pretense, deception, or hypocrisy. In a world of endless, walking contradictions, he was consistency, clarity, and logic. I don't know much else to say, other than that he showed me that good-natured companionship is possible with other people, something I had begun to doubt decades ago. Quote mining annoys me, but often you run across something that someone else has expressed superlatively well: 

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” 
― Muhammad Ali

 

[Small]

Thanks for reopening the thread @IrmaJean. And thank you @Klingsorfor writing that. It brought a tear to my eye.

 

It's been a year since Resolute has left us. And I didn't want to let this day go by without mentioning him. I miss him, and to put it selfishly, my life would be a happier place if he was still with us. I find it so difficult to think about him. In my thoughts, I have avoided him all that i could. But in the moments i am overcome with a recollection of him - I first find myself smiling, before being overcome with heartache & grief. I truly miss him. 

 

Klingsor has spoken perfectly on his character & there's nothing I can add to it. He is one of the few people that lifted my moods every time we spoke. He actually listened, and knew to how to say the right thing. I don't claim to know the wonders of the universe, or the cycle of life, death & perhaps life again. But I am a believer in God - and I am also a believer in justice. So I hope & pray with all my heart, that no matter where he is, our friend Resolute has found peace.

 

Klingsor: In truth, our final conversations were the darkest we ever shared, and i often wondered if it were better that we didn't have them. I hope that in time you're able to see things as they were, and be at peace with the matter: He loved you and spoke about you up until the very end. Maybe when our lives are over we can see him again and if we do, I know full well that he would greet you with a smile. 

 

I don't know what else to say. I still miss him, and I haven't allowed myself to mourn him either. Though he would deny it, i think he would appreciate being remembered by his friends. I feel  privileged to have known him, and honoured for him to have called me his friend.

 

RIP.

 

[YOTH]

I didn't know Res well, but he was always nice to me. It was hard to understand how much losing a friend and confidant hurts, but they take a piece of you with them. It's a difficult thing to accept. I like to think, wherever he is, he's happy. 💙 

[jazz]

I can't believe a year has passed already. Although I only knew Resolute through the forum and private messages, what did I learn about him? That he was witty, a deep thinker and supportive. He liked football, cars, jokes, discussions and fairness.

I sometimes wonder, when various topics appear on the forum now, what his comments would have been - Res was not short of an opinion.

If only we could have parachuted him away from his "unbearable circumstances" (his words.)  A great loss.

[IrmaJean]

Your words are touching and I think they honor Res's memory.

I didn't know Resolute very well on a personal level, but we did have interactions here on the forum. He was very witty and bright and he was supportive of members here. I think he taught me a lot, though I have only recently been able to fully realize this through conversations with my daughter. Thank you, Res.

I'm not sure what follows death either, but I do believe a person's essence is always present to those who connected with them. I hope Res feels eternal peace. Resolute is missed and he is remembered.

[Victimorthecrime]

I miss Resolute because he was here a lot, always brought a sharp point of view and was always up for interacting.  He and I spent a lot of time on here just going back and forth about whatever.  

I only knew him from here and wrote everything I could think of to get him to change his mindset.  That brain of his had so much to offer the world.  

I hope there is a spirit world and I hope Res found what he was looking for.  And if/when I see him there I will start right up with him!  

Rest In Peace friend.  

[Small]

Thanks for posting guys. Resolute would have appreciated us coming together to remember him. You guys meant the world to him - his on forum correspondence with us really gave him relief from his struggles. 

[Small]

It's 2 years tomorrow that we lost our friend Resolute.

RIP

We miss you.