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My so called life


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On Thursday, April 21, 2016 at 9:48 AM, IrmaJean said:

Good news about your health, Small. I hope things continue to improve for you.

Watched anything good on Netflix recently?

Have you always been melancholic or is this something new for you?

*American confusion*

In America we call your football soccer and football as we know it is a different sport. I am trying to determine which sport have you been watching?

Take care and it's good to hear from you.

(Klingsor, you found the new emoticon I added. Cool. B) I may add some more today.)

Apologies for the late reply Beth. I haven't watched anything noteworthy Inquite some time. But a few fairly respectable films have kept me amused, I suppose. 

 

Danny Collins

Frankie & Johnny

Manglehorn

All of Harry Potter

Wag The Dog

 

 

 

I'm always upset, and I do have a serotonin defficiency so Im sure that plays a role. Tried SSRI's for a bit around 3 years ago but wasn't a fan. I've been feeling worse lately for a whole host of reasons, of which I'm relieved to say Isn't my health. Hope youre doing well yourself. How Is the post surgery? 

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By the way, it's football as in soccer, not those helmet-wearing superhero looking dudes that score touchdowns in the NFL. Theres an international (European) tournament starting on Friday hosted by France, so I'm pretty excited about that. League football doesn't do anything for me, but there's something oh-so special about playing for the flag. I'm a bit of a traitor though, I back Ze Germans. :Oops:

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I'm sorry you've been feeling worse lately. I'm glad that this isn't due to your health. I can understand your reluctance with medications, though I'm sure they help many. I took Clonazepam for about 6 months a few years ago for anxiety and insomnia. Though the medication was helpful in reducing my anxiety and it helped me get adequate sleep, I was so worried about potential addiction that I stopped taking them. I wonder if there could be more natural alternatives for serotonin deficiency? I hope there are brighter days ahead for you.

My kids all loved Harry Potter. My father used to make a point to take my son to the theatre the day the films were released. Fun times for them. Thanks for the recommendations. I'll have to watch someday soon.

I'm well, thank you for asking. Every now and then if I lift something too heavy too quickly, I'll feel a pull in my abdomen, but other than that, I'm completely recovered, yeah. It did take 3-4 months to feel normal again but it's all good now, thankfully.

I enjoy sports, though I don't really follow soccer much. I didn’t have much choice with older brothers, I imagine. I was a shortstop way back when in a girl's softball league. I'm a bit of a traitor too, I guess...I don't root for any NY teams and I successfully converted my husband to Red Sox fandom. I hope you enjoy the upcoming tournament and I hope your team does well! Maybe it can even get some endorphins going.

Take care.

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My personal issue with the SSRI's was that they created a euphoric excitement, rather than any feeling that resembled genuine content or peace. It also made me a little cavalier and unmeasured in my decisions, a sort of carelessness of the repercussion of my actions. I suspect this is why they generally have a positive correlation with suicides, because the mechanism that induces the fight or flight reluctance becomes overuled and the individual has little to no aversion to it

 

I haven't tried anti anxiety meds, even though I asked for them due to having developed paranoid schizophrenia. My therapist was concerned that it would impair my ability to overcome the psychological barrier in place to overcome it, and asked that I do it naturally. Did they make you fatigued? What about an impaired sense of responsibility and repercussions?

 

I'm glad you're feeling better, and have made a recovery. I can't say I can relate to the physical changes you might be experiences, but I have had 2 operations and 1 exploratory examination, requiring general & local anaesthesia. Very ouchy indeed. Have you noticed any distinct behavioral or emotional changes? Don't reply if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Red Sox is baseball right? I haven't watched it before, but I have played it on the Wii and it's definitely fun trying to hit homers. I can relate to not being loyal to soil. There's no sense in blindly backing a side due to geographical coincidence, when you're more drawn to the qualities of another team. England play in straight lines, and are very predictable/boring. Germany play in triangles and have an aggressive forward momentum to them which I love. I have come to appreciate several of their players too.

 

Anyway, it turns out that my niece might not need me anymore. Her mum (my sister) has a new man, which has made my position as her primary male figure redundant. She's upset that her mum has someone, and believes a hard kick or two is due to the general shin area of her maternal figure. He's a good guy though, and I'm sure he will replace me pretty quickly, even though my niece insists that would never happen, and the opposite might be more true. She's been a big part of my life and I'm feeling a little empty.

 

Harry Potter is great, and the biggest fan I know is our very own Klingsor, so join the geek club :)

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It sounds as though the medication could have lowered your inhibitions some? Did you try different ones and/or a lower dose?

The first few days I took the medication, I felt very groggy, but I suspect that was because my body wasn't used to them. After that, though, I did not have any issues with fatigue and the medication did not change my personality in any way. I was myself, minus the anxiety and insomnia. My insomnia had become so bad by that point that I was blacking out during the day from lack of sleep. I was at the end of my rope, so to speak. I do know that I was on a low dose, .5mg perhaps? My cousin is a psychiatrist so I consulted him about my concerns about taking Clonazepam. I would definitely recommend working with your doctor about them if you do decide to try them. I can say that using them temporarily was helpful to me. I have been off the medication for over a year now, I think, and I have been sleeping okay and have very little anxiety. So they helped me out of a bad space and I have been in a good space ever since I stopped taking them.

Two operations and an exploratory does sound very ouchy. I hope the procedures helped. This was my first surgery under anesthesia and in retrospect I realize that I was not close to prepared for how difficult the recovery would be. I had thought I would bounce back quickly, and I did not anticipate being so ill and weak for so long. I'm not sure I handled being sick very well while I was sick...I did feel frightened, worried, discouraged and I cried, whined etc. I always try, though, to take each difficult experience that I face in life as a place to learn and grow. I have new awareness now of my potential physical vulnerability as well as my age. Behavioral or emotional changes? I'm eating healthier for sure. I have a greater openness to new experience. I'm more appreciative, grateful, and I have deeper awareness. I have more understanding and compassion for anyone who has an illness. I think my surgery, the subsequent complications and illness, in addition to other events that occurred in my life the past year have taken me on a spiritual path, an awakening of sorts. Also, the problems I was having that caused me to have the surgery are gone now, which leaves me freer and improves things in my marriage as well. So, though it was a difficult experience, it taught me a lot and a lot of positives have come out of it.

You didn't know what you were getting into when you asked that question...:o

The Red Sox are a baseball team, yes. The wii can be fun. The baseball wii game could give me a better chance at hitting homeruns. I was a contact hitter and never had much power in the actual game. Baseball is my favorite sport to watch. (Tennis is my favorite sport to play) I became close to my brother this way when we were growing up. Shared passions. I like watching I think in part because it draws many people together for a common goal. And Fenway Park is beautiful. As far as favorite teams, from my perspective, Boston teams have always played very hard and maybe didn't have the raw talent that NY teams had, but they got the most out of what they did have. Passions are wonderful, I think. I hope you get some enjoyment out of them.

Children naturally need us less as they grow older, I think. This can bring up some feelings of emptiness, but watching them blossom and shine as the unique individuals they are brings me great joy too. I'm glad you have family you feel close to. That is wonderful. Possibly your niece has space in her heart and her life for both of you. It sounds as if she shares openly with you, which is great. Those spaces and that closeness is quite valuable, I think, and may be very different from the relationship she has with her mom's boyfriend. She may even have some of the same concerns that you do, though about her mom. I hope in time you both feel more comfortable with the situation.

I'll have to ask my daughter about the new Harry Potter book. Sounds interesting!

Take care.

Klingsor, you like Harry Potter too? :)

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23 hours ago, Small said:

Ugh. Anyway, I have preordered my copy of the cursed child. It's supposed to be about Harry Potter's son, and is due for release soon.

Hi small. I was a big fan of HP as well, until Snape got killed off - he had most of the witty lines in the books. Can't help thinking it is a bit unfair to show the new play in two parts - as a friend says, it's the tale of Harry and his son, 'Milk-it' Potter...

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  • 2 months later...

This thread is pretty much dead but I'll keep posting anyway. I took another break recently, which I suppose is an idiosyncrasy everyone is used to. Obsessive and Compulsive behaviour doesn't go amiss with a lot of us I suppose. Still, I'm back for now so hello again.

 

I'm currently in bed watching I am legend. I've seen this one a few times, so it's mostly on in the background while I idly lay here and think of random shit. I'd go back to sleep actually, but my niece is coming in a bit for breakfast and to hang out so I need to stay up. She has recently read the cursed child and is lending it to me, which for those of you who don't know, is the latest Harry Potter installment from J. K. Rowling. It's a shitty script though, so I'm not too excited about the whole ordeal.

 

Anyway, my life is still shit. I still have a small penis, virtually no social life, and the self esteem of a leper on the catwalk. My health has improved a lot which I'm grateful for, but the future is still uncertain. Work is great and shit all at once, and I'm still labouring though all sorts of films whilst cowering from the world.

 

On a brighter note, I have begun to exhibit various sexual deviancies (as sexually frustrated people do) which are fun and dangerous all at once, but I won't get too much into that.

 

Hope everyone is well.

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It's great that your health has improved. I'm glad to hear that and I hope it continues. Very cool that you're spending time with your niece. It's good to have connection with family and especially if you aren't socializing much otherwise. I hope you have an enjoyable breakfast and day with her.

Take care and it's good to see you back.

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1 hour ago, IrmaJean said:

It's great that your health has improved. I'm glad to hear that and I hope it continues. Very cool that you're spending time with your niece. It's good to have connection with family and especiallpitf you aren't socializing much otherwise. I hope you have an enjoyable breakfast and day with her.

Take care and it's good to see you back.

She Is the only family that goes out her way to come see me. I sort of see her as a friend mostly - since I have her support on all the little things I tell her about. I am pretty sure that the rest of my family only talk to me out of principle/responsibility. How are you?

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Small!  OMG so glad to see this post.  I was drinking my Saturday morning coffee (always the highlight of my week) and this was a treat.  

Glad your health is good & job ok. Same here praise God.  We have having a Hell-fire hot summer here and I have been going for long walks which I enjoy. I am weird.  My social life is slim also but frankly if I can't be w good people I would rather be solo & get things done.  I have a certain strange optimism that come from getting older and realizing it really doesn't fucking matter; in long run we all headed underground.  

Anyway you leper deviant keep posting.  

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7 hours ago, Small said:

1. It's a shitty script though, so I'm not too excited about the whole ordeal.

2. On a brighter note, I have begun to exhibit various sexual deviancies (as sexually frustrated people do) which are fun and dangerous all at once, but I won't get too much into that.

1. Agreed. The magic's gone.

2. :confused: :confused: :image:

 

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Hey Victim. It's great to hear from you again, and thanks for the larger than life welcome back lol. Seems more & more people are big on walking - I might have to try it out sometime. How is work treating you? I feel you about going solo, it really is misconceived and highly underrated! Heard from RetroJohn by the way? Good to hear you've got things nailed your end. 

 

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3 hours ago, Small said:

Pax - Is that you Klingsor? If so I'm happy to see you back with us. I hope you're doing well my old friend.

It certainly is...I'm attempting to put away my old cantankerous self. But don't worry, Pax still has a bit of ole Klingsor's spit and vinegar if hard put. I continued to talk to IrmaJean and Resolute through my hiatus, and made the decision to selectively post on occasion. Thanks for the welcome, glad to see you as well. 

Incidentally - Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them looks like it's going to be only a slightly higher production of shit as well.

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I am well, thank you. Busy with work and family and I am dealing with some moderately stressful life stuff, but nothing that I can't manage. I am healthy and content so it's good.

Victim, I can relate to what you expressed. Some things have shifted with my outlook and perspective as I have moved toward my 50's. I think when you begin to realize...I mean really realize...that you will one day die, things that seemed so important and pressing, aren't so much anymore. I'm here now so may as well enjoy the time I do have. Also, some of the things I feared have already happened and I survived them, I'm still here and standing. So I notice that I'm calmer and more grateful as I grow older.

I love to walk too, especially in nature, and I am fortunate enough to live in a small country town, so I walk daily. You should try it, Small. I find that it's a mood lifter.

Take care everyone.

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Pax - Good to hear it. I consider you a friend as I do with numerous people on this forum, and I wish nothing but the best for you. I don't doubt that a piece to that puzzle is Resolute whilst another is Beth. Anyway, I'll be around so I'm sure we'll have some level of correspondence too. Take care.

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Health

So it's no secret that I was suffering from Parkinsons and there are still remanents of the chronic disease in my system, but overall I have made a lot of ground in gaining back what I lost over the past decade of my so called life. I will probably need to be on some small dosage of treatment for life to prevent recurrence especially in old age, but it is a small price to pay for being of almost sound neurological health.

My memory is still a work in progress, and I currently do not process information as sharply as my better days, but aside from that things are looking up. The future is uncertain and I compulsively worry about it, although I have reasons to believe assurances that my treatment will continue to work.

I don't typically give advice here, but I would encourage everyone to look beyond what has established itself at mainstream medicine, and turn to sources of alternative medicine including nutrition, herbalists, electromagnetic healing and even spiritual healing. The notion that neurological degeneration cannot be reversed or even contained is the biggest farce of official line in the mainstream medical field.

Anyway, this isn't a triumph by any means. I still have neurological problems in way of memory & information processing, and who knows what the future holds. I am still pissed off at the world for having, and continuing to suffer with this, and I am in constant apprehension of reverting into a semi-comatose state.

 

SPS

Now the neurological problems seem under control, I have been able to preoccupy myself with the size of my phallus. I won't sugar coat this, but the magnitude of my inadequacy has been getting the better of me from time to time, and I have sat down and studied my feelings to assess the many depths and categories of my being this has effected. I will get into this at a later date though.

Work

I work in gaming psychology and design for mobile phones. The main project I am on faced a major delay several months ago, but It's all underway again. The first game of my franchise is expected to be completed before the end of the year, but will face a further delay while we finalise deals with an established gaming company to release or market the game/franchise. Did I mention my boss is a CUNT???

Should the numbers meet preliminary projections I will probably be on this franchise for about decade, and if it doesn't I will probably quit or get fired depending on the deviation it suffers from forecasts. Unfortunately I can't bullshit my way through this. Everything I have done will be quantified down to every last penny, on which my worth will be determined.

I am stressed out and worried, because this will break me if I fuck up. I'll be jobless again with and will probably go back to tutoring kids. All this by Xmas. For fucks sake. Does it ever end? I can almost guarantee becoming a recluse again, even though I sort of am one now and I'll spend my days reminiscing and torturing myself over every detail I failed. 

General

Life is shitty. I won't lie. I find peace over the little things, but overall I am aware of where I fit in on every sspectrum. I have no girlfriend, virtually no friends, no social life, no self esteem & almost no money. It makes me LOL my fucking ass off when I'm praised for trying etc. I think dude, I'm a failure. That is the long & short of it. You guys know that I have repeated cracks at life, sometimes for the crumbs and other times out of spite. I don't know. I'm mostly a mess trying to keep shit together. Aren't we all though? 

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