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Small

My so called life

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Hello again everyone. It's been about 3 months since I last posted so I thought I'd pay the forum a visit. I'm hoping you're all in a reasonably stable place while reading this, seeing as we're all in the abyss of life. It's about 11 pm here as I write this. I'm getting ready to watch a film called "The Boy" - a thriller/horror in which a babysitter is asked to look after an old couple's child at their mansion in the country, only to find that this child is in fact a peculiar looking porcelain doll. (I feel like I should have been paid for that).

 

Anyway, not a whole lot has happened in my life. I'm still very much in my glum moods these days, lending thanks to unfortunate circumstances and my dark outlook on life. There have been some improvements whilst some setbacks, so nothing new on that end of the stick. 

 

My health 

My brain health has continued to improve, and I do believe I'm at the best I've been in a decade or so. However, my memory tests are still fairly poor and I know that my processing abilities have not yet been fully recuperated. It's a mixed bag on this end but I am enjoying steady progress.

I do have other health issues bringing me down, including chronic fatigue system and narcolepsy which is a kick in the balls. It really does bring down my mood and makes the waking moments far more painful than they should be. I have less energy in the tank and feel exhausted when others are still alive and kicking. What a bitch right? I can't enjoy myself and unwind the way others can after a long day.

 

Work

Work is generally good. I'm on an intense but rewarding project so I do get to feel some sense of accomplishment and all that new age bullshit. However the fatigue does really interrupt this. Also, I continue to suffer this generic aversion to work which manifests itself as anxiety while I'm doing my thing. I still bbelieve that the 40 hour week is unnatural and unhealthy, and being a CFS sufferer makes it way worse.

 

Mental health

So yeah. I'm still very much depressed and I suffer from a few anxiety disorders aswell as having SPS. I'm melancholic, withdrawn from reality, and I over-think everything. I think that the pursuit of happiness is nothing more than a wasteful and perilous journey, which can only be achieved through delusion and complacency. So feeling sad really isn't my biggest problem, I have felt this way since childhood. 

 

General

Life as a whole is shit, I must admit it. I do try to enjoy little moments when I can but they are few and far between. I think that I simply refuse to sugar coat the bad and though this serves well in assuring I'm free of delusion and fantasy, it leaves my sensitive temperament exposed to the turbulent and dark world. There's really not much more to say. I'll be posting more frequently. 

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Hey Small!  I was glad to see new post from you.  Sorry to hear about the narcolepsy.  That sounds frightening.  Does that impact your workday or do you have medicine for it?  

There was some good news in your post and that is awesome.  

I have not seen a good movie in a long time.  I'll tell ya a good that sounds a bit like the one you mentioned: When a Stranger Calls.  1979 w Carol Kane.  Really creepy and weird.  

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1 hour ago, Small said:

I'm getting ready to watch a film called "The Boy" - a thriller/horror in which a babysitter is asked to look after an old couple's child at their mansion in the country, only to find that this child is in fact a peculiar looking porcelain doll. (I feel like I should have been paid for that).  

Don't know whether to   :scared-smiley-emoticon:  or lol...

Not laughing at your other comments though, fatigue is a total pain. Hoping it gets better.

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It's good to hear from you, Small. I did notice your absence and I was wondering how you were doing.

Sleep disorders can be extremely disruptive. That on top of chronic fatigue syndrome and other health concerns, I think most anyone would feel melancholic. :( Are there any treatment options available to you?

I'm glad that work is going well and that you are able to enjoy the good moments, when they do happen. I hope there are more positive moments in your future.

 

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On Thursday, December 15, 2016 at 11:56 PM, Victimorthecrime said:

Hey Small!  I was glad to see new post from you.  Sorry to hear about the narcolepsy.  That sounds frightening.  Does that impact your workday or do you have medicine for it?  

There was some good news in your post and that is awesome.  

I have not seen a good movie in a long time.  I'll tell ya a good that sounds a bit like the one you mentioned: When a Stranger Calls.  1979 w Carol Kane.  Really creepy and weird.  

I watched that film growing up and It was a fav! Good choice! I do take meds for my sleeping problems yes

 

 

 

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On Friday, December 16, 2016 at 0:45 AM, jazz said:

Don't know whether to   :scared-smiley-emoticon:  or lol...

Not laughing at your other comments though, fatigue is a total pain. Hoping it gets better.

The film started great then went to shit part way In. A bit like my life really. 

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Beth,

Thanks, I did see your message and it was that in particular which inspired an entry from me. I do take something for my sleep disorder and it does make a difference - nonethless I am way short of normal in that regard. I'm glad to hear that you have made a complete recovery following your procedure.

 

My melancholy is magnified by things such as my sleeping disorder, and it's also a part of my nature. Put shortly, I was born sad. My mum and sister have testified to this - telling me I was an upset and troubled child that thought too much. I found peace in isolation, often found to be having fully fledged two sided conversations with myself out aloud. I should have featured in one of those horror films to which I so desperately cling.

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I talk to myself aloud quite often as well. I find it helps keep me focused. You aren't alone in that.

You find peace with solitude. I don't view that as a negative. Are you reflective and introspective as well? Do you enjoy nature? 

Horror films give me nightmares.:scared-smiley-emoticon:

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Beth, 

I don't like nature no. These days all I think about is my job. I have an obsessive mind and I often lose myself to it. I used to be extremely introspective, examining and almost worshipping my inner state of mind. These days I tend to give myself far less attention than I once did.

 

Why? Because I am commiting the ultimate sin of looking away from myself and into the world. This depresses me. I'm still introverted, but I'm usually engaging thoughts that shouldn't concerned me. I am going to do my best to engage myself more though because this is something that is of true importance to me.

 

The main reason I like horror films is because I love feeling a response from inside me. The nervousness, fear, and sense of agitation make me feel human and it's addictive. When I was at university I would walk home through a park every evening. Most of the park was dimly litten but there was a long stretch that was pitch black. I couldn't even see the ground - or my hand if I put it in front of my face. I loved how that made me feel.

 

When you reach inwards you find light, and that's something special. When I reach inward I find the dark, and that's also special. It's warm, isolated, and full the rawest form of my mental being. I see the psyche like an astronomer would see the starlit sky. Full of beauty, danger, and wonder. It's a thing to be celebrated - be it light or dark. 

 

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@Pax The girls saw Fantastic Beasts with their father some weeks back. Both enjoyed the film, but said it wasn't in the same class as Harry Potter.

@Small    

On 12/22/2016 at 8:29 PM, Small said:

When you reach inwards you find light, and that's something special. When I reach inward I find the dark, and that's also special. It's warm, isolated, and full the rawest form of my mental being. I see the psyche like an astronomer would see the starlit sky. Full of beauty, danger, and wonder. It's a thing to be celebrated - be it light or dark. 

 

:) Very interesting and thank you for sharing. 

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On 12/22/2016 at 8:29 PM, Small said:

The main reason I like horror films is because I love feeling a response from inside me. The nervousness, fear, and sense of agitation make me feel human and it's addictive. When I was at university I would walk home through a park every evening. Most of the park was dimly litten but there was a long stretch that was pitch black. I couldn't even see the ground - or my hand if I put it in front of my face. I loved how that made me feel.

My wife and i once rented a cabin near a lake in the Georgia mountains.  On one night i got up to use the bathroom and, when i was done washing my hands, i turned out the light.  Because of the cabin's isolation, i was plunged into total darkness.  As in Small's narrative, there literally wasn't even enough light for me to see my own hand in front of my face.

And it was... thrilling.  I was astonished by the beauty of the experience.  The world around me became instantly electric, alive with sound and smell and touch.  My hearing and my tactile sense, neglected for so long while my eyes had ruled the world, suddenly had the chance to show me what they could do.  I felt my way through the doorway and felt the grain of the natural timber doorframe.  I heard birds and cicadas murmuring outside.  I smelled the blanket where my wife was sleeping.  I had lost one sense but somehow gained my other four.

  I no longer feel bad for blind people.    Yes, they have trouble getting around, but that's our fault, the sighted people.  We built streets and buildings for ourselves, and that's what made our world difficult for them.  But i experienced their world for just a few minutes: it's a rich and sensuous place.

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