My so called life

[gone]

On 5/26/2017 at 11:53 AM, Batman said:

Thanks, the message means a lot. I have to hang in and grind it out, hopefully there will be easier times to come. How's work coming with you? Are you still boxing? Wanna fight? Haha no don't hit me please. Hope you're well. 

Just seen this. We're in Gulf Shores for a week. Glad to see you're toughing it out. You're made of strong stuff, you'll get through it. I'm still working part time, it's ok. Pays ok, the hours are great.

 

I'm helping to teach kids at the local PAl gym. Since I had that trouble with my left eye I've been fighting some other problems with it. Surgeon said absolutely no sparring or hits to the head anymore, so I'm screwed. I still work out with the bags but that's all. I hope you and everyone else are doing well. I'm kinda living the dream right now.

[Resolute]

6 hours ago, retr0john said:

Since I had that trouble with my left eye I've been fighting some other problems with it. Surgeon said absolutely no sparring or hits to the head anymore, so I'm screwed. I still work out with the bags but that's all.

i'm sure the surgeon would allow sparring with small, since he punches like a five year old girl.

[Small]

@retr0john

I'm glad you're doing well, I've always rooted for you. Blah. The eye. I'm sure you have a lot of boxing knowledge you can pass on to the younger guys though. You can be that wise, mysterious coach in the gym that the kids tell tales about. Still, it must suck that you can't glove up and throw some leather. Enjoy the holiday, and let us know how it went when you get back!

[Small]

5 hours ago, Resolute said:

i'm sure the surgeon would allow sparring with small, since he punches like a five year old girl.

This made me lol. I actually don't punch. I slap. I close my eyes, lean back, and wave my arms around hoping that I somehow survive the ordeal.

[gone]

11 hours ago, Small said:

This made me lol. I actually don't punch. I slap. I close my eyes, lean back, and wave my arms around hoping that I somehow survive the ordeal.

I had to laugh. Sounds like me. I'll walk away or anything to avoid a fight. Like I said before I'd rather trade recipes than punches any day.  I know....Res will love this.?

[Resolute]

1 hour ago, retr0john said:

I had to laugh. Sounds like me. I'll walk away or anything to avoid a fight. Like I said before I'd rather trade recipes than punches any day.  I know....Res will love this.?

you can teach small how to cook, and the rest of us how to fight.

[Resolute]

On 6/1/2017 at 5:39 AM, Small said:

I'm sure you have a lot of boxing knowledge you can pass on to the younger guys though. You can be that wise, mysterious coach in the gym that the kids tell tales about.

this reminded me of the guy who trained rocky.

[Small]

Hello,

It's Monday night, and I am taking a break from doing some work I had to catch up on. Earlier I made myself a meal - throwing 2 waffles, 4 fish fingers, 2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast on the pan. All washed down with 2 cups of tea. During my break I decided to browse the forum - happy to see that @IrmaJean locked Resolute's thread as promised. I won't go into how I'm dealing with that whole situation, for some reason, I really don't want to talk about it.

 

Well I'm lonely, and I haven't posted an update in a while so figured I might as well give it a go. I hope everyone is doing reasonably well, and feel free to post their situations on here if they want to.

Health

My memory still sucks. I have old memories that come back to me from time to time, but generally speaking I can be pretty forgetful. Storing new memories usually end up vague too. Other than that, my brain seems to be operating optimally. I feel fine otherwise.

Work

I used to think that it wasn't in my nature to devote myself to my job but it seems I was wrong. I spend most of my time working, and I tend to take a great deal of pride in it these days. I should have some wonderful or devastating developments by the end of the year so there's that. I have also started working on a fiction novel recently. I actually showed the first 3 chapters to Resolute very shortly before his passing & he was a little disturbed by it. So yay me.

Mood

I am generally still glum and melancholic. I have developed a sort of spite over the past few months that I didn't have recently, which when put into the concoction of other shit - makes me no fun. Living within myself I am an introverted mess of all sorts of negative emotions, even though the developments in my life have been mostly positive.

Overall

 

I'm 31 now so I'm not young anymore. I have knuckled down on the important things in my life, a decade late, so I am at a disadvantage. I like my job & hopefully I will get to keep doing it. My life feels a lot like being in a small shack inside a huge storm. War is around the corner - seeping in through the cracks in the walls. I don't know how it will go or where I'll end up. But god willing I will manage. 

Thanks for taking an interest.

 

 

 

[Klingsor]

What's the book about? I've written stuff then get pissed off and trash it.

[IrmaJean]

Thank you for the update. It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you recognize some positive developments happening in your life. I hope work continues to go well and you continue to write your novel. Maybe, in time, the shack you are inside of now will feel sturdier and the storm outside will feel less formidable.

I have been busy with work and family. We have been in the process of some major changes at work, but all in all I think I have been adjusting well. I recently turned 49  (31 still seems fairly young to me), next year will be the big one, as my brother teases. I enjoy writing too, though I mostly write fan fiction. I'm not sure I could ever create my own characters. That seems very challenging.

Does writing help you to cope with or express negative emotions? In my experience, artists tend to be very hard on themselves regarding their work. Maybe this is common with authors as well? I think it's cool that Resolute had the opportunity to read your work in progress, even if he found it disturbing. (You know it wasn't boring)

Take care.

Edited September 12, 2017 by IrmaJean
Adding

[Small]

@Klingcorn

You can find the 3 Chapters in our 3 way Skype chat. 

[Klingsor]

Thanks small. I'll try to find an opportunity to access it soon.

[Small]

@IrmaJean

Good to hear from you. I'm glad work & family are keeping you busy. I have an internet friend that writes a lot of fan fiction. She mainly focusses on gaming characters. 

[Small]

I miss Resolute terribly. Nights like this I'd log onto skype and we would talk about anything & everything. I keep replaying our last conversation in my mind and it hurts. 

[Victimorthecrime]

I miss him and I know you and K-man were much closer to him than was I so I can imagine how you feel.  Condolences.  

I didn't see it coming. I really didn't think he would do it.  Brilliant young guy. Awful.  

[Klingsor]

Small was much more consistent in talking to him than I was. I don't feel justified in saying I had as close a friendship, although small may say otherwise. Because of my personality I sometimes avoided VoIP calls even though that's what resolute liked best I think. I hate my voice and am very awkward on telephone calls. But we had several long chat debates and conversations about things. I also was not able to talk to him before he committed suicide and I will always regret that. 

[Small]

@Klingsor

Our last conversation haunts me. I'll never forget the last few words we said to eachother & in that regard I envy you. It's all i seem to be able to remember about him. I miss our 3 way conversations. Can you believe it's been a year since I watched Amadeus? Well almost a year. I wish he was back with us. Say what you like Mr. K, Resolute loved you and you were as much a friend to him as I was if not more.  

[Small]

@Victimorthecrime

Nights like this I hurt over losing him. I would normally log on & talk to him while in this low mood, disturbing those sitcoms he loved but he didn't mind. I always felt lighter afterwards. Idk. He had a way of making people feel better. 

[IrmaJean]

I can relate to the awful feeling of missing a good friend who has died. I lost my friend K nearly 2 1/2 years ago, and I still miss him and think of him every day.

I think replaying conversations and interactions may be common during grief...I have done this myself as well and sometimes intensely, especially initially. Maybe it's one way we try to process what has happened? I found too that although I knew what had happened from a rational standpoint, some part of me had trouble fully believing it. The finality is very difficult to accept. I think we all have to walk our own path with grief. There may be a layer of trauma too because Res died due to suicide. I'm sorry for your loss, Small. :'( A space to share oneself openly is rare in this life and this is a valuable space to have.

I didn't know Resolute as well as you or Klingsor did, but I miss him too and think of him. I know it's important to me to continue talking openly about Kent and to keep sharing about him. I hope we can continue to speak openly about Resolute as well.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and allow all of your feelings. 

Care to you.

[Klingsor]

Thanks small, I appreciate that. I re-installed Skype and it upgraded so I logged on one day and said hi to you. Maybe we can chat again sometime. Has it been that long? Unbelievable. 

One thing I always noticed and tried to emulate myself about resolute: he was never a "back biter". If he had something to say, he said it directly. That is an exceptionally rare virtue. In all our chats off this forum, I don't remember him even once talking about another member.

[Small]

I try to emulate his honesty. He was the most honest person I knew. I saw your message earlier, thanks. Time flies. I miss the way we talked last Xmas

[Small]

You know something that upsets me. When we first met on this forum & had our spats i said some cruel things to him. It's been years, and though i felt regret for saying them i thought he had forgotten about them. During our second last conversation (voice call) in the summer, he recited to me word for word something I had said to him, telling me he felt genuinely humiliated by it. My heart dropped. I felt like a piece of shit. 

[Small]

@IrmaJean

[Klingsor]

Small, I know what you mean, but I really should shoulder the blame for most of that. I quarreled with Resolute when I first joined; I don't think I insulted him in any meaningful way, just threatened to beat him, hate him, et cetera. I did call him witless once. But I may have portrayed Resolute through my antagonism as someone hostile or superior to the small penis crowd at the time, and that may have communicated itself to you. I feel really bad about all that now. I apologized to him several times via private messages before we started chatting on skype. You know, I got so mad once I put the town where I live in a post and told him to come and find me. Later when we reconciled, I asked him if he would erase his posts where he quoted that and he did so. That is so embarrassing and white-trashy and ghetto-ish now that I look back. It's humiliating that I did that. I know I will pay for all those things someday, we all have to pay. 

But you are correct - Resolute was the most honest human being I think I've met. He was prudent in what he said, but I never detected a deceitful word in any of his conversations with me. 

It's funny how he and I created a stereotypical traditional male friendship - although we never physically fought, we quarreled on here bitterly yet eventually became good friends. That's strange to me considering I've never had success in male relationships. It makes me really sad thinking about his final weeks. I'd like to chat soon sometime on skype if you feel comfortable doing so. 

[Small]

@Klingsor

Yeah I'd love to talk. Your recollection of events only goes to show how trustworthy res was. He never mentioned them to me once. I just miss him.