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My so called life


Small

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@Small I've not started yet mate. I start at 5am and finish around 7pm. I used to finish around 1/2 in the afternoon and then go for a run. I really need to get back into it. 

I'm the same as you when it comes to appetite and not knowing when I'm full. When it comes to Chinese food. I could easily eat 10 full plates until I'm sick. 

Its great to hear your diet is going well. 

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@Smallbeans0

 

I have heard about the deep fried mars bars but have never tried them. Maybe I need to give one a go with that sort of review? Yeah the new years is probably the best time for a change so profound. Plus your hours sound brutal. Is it a long commute? You remind me of my brother a little actually. He does similar hours & loves running. 

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@Small luckily I live five minutes away from my work and there is zero traffic at that time of the morning. 

The thing about the mars bar is it's honestly beautiful but you can feel how bad it is for you in every bite. 

We also have a thing called a pizza crunch which is a deep fried pizza. I'm not sure if that's just a Scottish thing. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
5 minutes ago, Small said:

Oh my god :'(

I am on a slippery road. Last Saturday I started to self harm & I've done so everyday since (including today). I am addicted to it. I can't stop.

Hi @Small. Sorry to hear this. Is this psychological or physical self harm? Was there a triggering event than you could recognize or did it come out of nowhere?

I have seldom self harmed physically but psychologically I self harm way too often.

I hope you can break this cycle.

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3 minutes ago, Small said:

@lostboy1

It's physical harm. It has been years in the making but it came out of nowhere. I was experimenting with it at first. It was such a rush. Now i am numb when I'm not doing it & looking for my next fix. I went too far today. And i know I'll do it again tomorrow. Or later tonight. 

I hope that you can break the cycle. I have heard that it becomes a "rush" almost like a drug once it starts and just like a drug there is a tendency to take it further and further each time.

Try to get out of the pattern if you can. Try to find something else to fixate on if possible.

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@lostboy1

I have been trying since last Saturday. Making all these bullshit promises but i ended up giving in to it. Mostly at night. In fact today is the first time i did it so early. I had a good morning. Went Xmas shopping. But as soon as I wrapped the presents I came to the my bedroom & went to town on myself. It's like I enter a trance & something takes over. Then when i snap out i feel disgusted & of course in pain. 

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I hope you're doing ok, man. I had a friend that did this a while back and I'll admit we were all way off when we thought it was attention seeking etc. I didn't realise how much relief and release you can get from self harm. But I know it's also entangled with a lot of guilt and regret. I hope you find a way to deal with this or at least get somewhat of a grip on it so you don't hurt yourself seriously. You've always struck me as a level headed guy when push came to shove, I hope you come out the other side soon. I'm thinking of you, mate. 

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Thanks for the supportive words guys. I am so ashamed of myself. But I'm worried too. I don't know, this doesn't seem fleeting to me. I won't lie, I'm not even considering any real solution to stop. I am pretty sure i can't summon the willpower. I want to stop. But i know I won't. 

@Victimorthecrime I might have to look into therapy. Not sure exactly what my company offers in the way of paying for it.

@KlingsorI have let you down. I'm sorry. 

@YOTH Well now you know I'm erratic & unstable.

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What need does it meet? Is it about the rush itself? Could it be a means of coping with pain/strong feelings? Or possibly could it be a response to feeling numb/ devoid of feelings? Did anything happen recently to possibly precipitate this?

I think that once we take a specific action, whatever the reason behind it might be, it then becomes easier to do it again. There are connections happening in our brains and the cycle can be difficult to break.

Is there a different way to match the intensity, say perhaps with strenuous exercise?

I'm sorry you're struggling. :( I agree that therapy might be helpful. I hope you feel better.

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@IrmaJean

I believe the need is to punish myself mostly, and also to feel something intense. Perhaps like a strong drug - with an inbuilt punishment for me. Ive done it most of my life through my thoughts, feelings, words...

 

But now I have crossed over into the physical & like you said it gets easier every time. It's 1am here. I almost didn't do it today but at around 10pm I had a mild session. I am feeling very guilty now. Like I'm hurting the people around me. Or that care about me. I'm also ashamed of it.

 

I most likely won't opt for therapy. I have considered the idea of doing something else to get this acute rush & have even tried. But I always end up where I started. I might have to tell my friend. I don't want to, but sharing it with him might cause me enough shame to revaluate. Idk. I meet him soon to exchange xmas gifts anyway. I got him a chess board.

 

A part of me believes this is temporary, while another part of me believes I'll find a safer way to practice self harm. But if i go on the way I am now I am doomed. I'm sore. Still in pain from yesterday & what I did earlier on. So I am currently regretting it. 

 

I don't even want to watch films anymore. I have an Al-Pacino favourite called A Scent of a woman that I've been wanting to rewatch. Finally it has been readded to the sky cinema collection on my box but i am feeling a lot of apathy. I'm not even tempted to put it on, in fact the idea of doing anything makes my stomach churn. 

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Scent of a Woman, now that's a good one. An old favorite of mine too. I hope this is temporary small, it sounds like it's really causing you grief. I suppose I'm vulnerable to self harm of a type because if I could obtain casual sex I'd probably do so compulsively with no regards for the consequences. But I just hope you can figure out a way to overcome this. I think you can because of your struggles with other things in the past, plus you are so self aware. That's a great thing because most people aren't. 

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