My so called life

[Small]

@Klingsor

Yeah I see what you mean. I only come here to belong but to be honest I have no friends here. Some woman undermines every man with a small penis & all you lot go quiet.

[Klingsor]

The problem is that everything is politicized now. There are no longer differences of opinion, but differences of reality. Us versus them. I knew phrasing the comment the way I did was going to create some feisty dialogue, but I didn't think it would create a shitstorm. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not a happy person and my life sucks. Pretending otherwise only pisses me off. Starvation is the only thing that separates me from the conventionally downtrodden, but it comes at the cost of spiritual, mental, and emotional nourishment, and even physical nourishment in a way because I'm too exhausted to improve my health, if it were even possible considering my existing issues.

I apologize for starting the whole mess. I don't think anyone here has an issue with you personally - I'm usually considered as the dark presence who brings out the worst in people. I've been accused of that irl, haha. But I can't help what I am. Again it's illustrative of what led to discussions about such diverse things as determinism on the forum with resolute. Everything is integral and connected. Am I a broken, scrawny piece of shit because I'm a piece of shit? Moralism. Social contracts. Childhood seems like a million years ago. My existence was much simpler then and a much smaller part of a much bigger world. 

[Small]

Anyway i want to quickly apologize to everyone my previous post offended. There are some good guys here. I'm going through a rough patch & didn't mean to put anyone on blast. Victim, Yoth, you guys are solid. Keep it up. Klingsor you are the King. I'm taking a break. Take care guys. 

[Klingsor]

Yoth - I might do that. I'm a very paranoid person so I'd probably get a post office box in another town in my state. Packages delivered to a residence really just depend on the service and particular delivery person. Some drivers are assholes and don't care where they leave it while some try to do a good job. I'm not a big candy eater, I'd prefer something like crackers (biscuits) or English mustard...something on those lines if we actually did that. American food is processed shit in plastic containers and bags so I could send you some homemade jams or something. 

[YOTH]

Sounds like plan, @Klingsor. I live in honey country, we get really good local honey, mustard, condiments in general. The crackers would possibly end up in crumbs, but I'll give it a shot. 

@Small Nobody has friends here unless we reach out. I'm good friends with looking4afriend. We met up and had a day out in Scotland and we speak all the time. 

[Klingsor]

I appreciate everyone who takes the time to talk with me on here. I actually check this site every morning when I wake up and throughout the day as I can during work. I do not speak with any other human beings regularly outside of work except for this place. I had a horrible virus of some kind last week, and I honestly prayed it was something terminal. That sounds horrible I guess but I did. I just want to sleep and never have to wake up. Every single day is such a goddamn fight with myself. 

 

 

 

[Small]

@Klingsor

Have you ever sat down and lislistened to "O Fortuna" while reading the lyrics? It feels like you wrote it. 

 

[YOTH]

@Klingsor I think you had the Aussie flu everyone has spluttered across the globe. I got the same thing myself it was definitely easy to mistake it with something terminal. I do the same thing, check in the morning and a few times throughout the day. Let's do something new, reach out or something. Would you be interested in a YouTube conversation? Make private link only videos? Just a suggestion, something on Skype maybe? I dunno, I'm just thinking out loud. 

 

[Klingsor]

Small, I'm familiar with the poem, but I confess the music has become so adulterated that I prefer the poem. It does express the nature of fate quite well.

Yoth, I used to skype with small and resolute fairly regularly. We did voice calls, no video chats. I'm kind of awkward in phone calls and hate my voice, so just be aware of that. But yeah, we could skype sometime maybe. 

[LostBoy]

@Small I did go quiet during the back and forth, I will admit it, but my main reason for going quiet was that I could not figure out, for the life of me, what was going on with these posts (on either side of the discussion). The comments that I read that supposedly sparked the drama seemed strangely worded, at best, and I honestly tried to put them into a context that would make sense or be beneficial for a discussion or critical thinking but could not figure out how.

I think the entire posting war was taken way too far and the opinion, for both sides of the argument, was made very early on and the other 5,000 posts were just not needed so I felt like I had nothing intelligent to add to the dialogue so I chose not to participate.

I will firmly stand up for what I believe in and I will stand up and fight for the plight of the small penis'd man but I struggle to see how that posting war had anything to do with my beliefs or small penis issues.

I almost didn't even write this post because I'm not sure it adds any value but I wanted to make sure the community knew that I did not back down because I was scared of a fight, I stayed out of it because I felt I did not have a dog in the fight.

I think if we all spent a few extra minutes reading our responses before hitting the "submit reply" button it would do us all good. This is a practice I firmly stand by with my emails at work and I will begin using the same technique here to ensure what I post has value, is constructive, and is as beneficial as possible. I'm not looking for any response to this post but I did feel like I should put my thoughts out there.

[TooOld4This]

Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since i've posted; but i haven't gone anywhere.

I've spent the last year just trying to overcome the inferiority feelings that i've detailed in other posts.

I've marched in a number of political protests to overcome my despair over the last election (hint: i'm in the USA), i wrote long and heavily-illustrated letters to my Senators and other political leaders (because a picture's worth a thousand words), and i'm running a Slide Show of pictures from my last two trips abroad scrolling on the Desktop of my work computer, to make me thankful for the chance to travel.  I'm hoping that, by physically practicing thankfulness, that i won't spend so much time remembering everything that was humiliating and pathetic during my youth.

How's everyone else doing?

[Small]

Hey guys,

Thought I'd write a post to let some of my thoughts out. I'm still kind of on a break - work is being demanding and stressful, so I need to be in a good place there so to speak. I relapsed back into the self harm, I knew I would. I want to tell you what day it was but I don't even remember, everything feels like one long blurry mess to me. What I can tell you is that I have engaged in it everyday since including yesterday - perhaps 4-5 days straight. So you know, there's that. I'm guessing in my case it's episodic (no shit lol) but what can you do. I still am not getting help for this, no way. I have had to endure therapists before and they sucked. Plus I work in a mildly related field and yeah, it's too close to home for me.

 

Again I would really like to apologise, for the final time, to anyone I offended recently. I was going through a rough patch (and still am) and took it out on people that weren't guilty of much. As my tagline suggests, I actually come on here to belong sort of thing and I only ever feel like posting when I'm upset. So to you guys it probably feels like I only ever say negative things but in reality I have been rumoured to have some spurts of positivity. Well, I am a realist. Let's just put it that way.

 

Other than the self harm, I am extremely withdrawn and depressed. Two nights ago I woke up and was full of this acute, drowning sadness. I am almost 32 now, and I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of my life. Well, I lay there and had a bit of a cry - I considered calling my mum or texting my sister but I didn't want to drag them down so I sort of vegetated until I managed to fall asleep again. My physical health is generally okay but mentally I am as usual in my dark little place.

 

When I'm not self harming I'm watching films and I've gone through quite a few. I am in glee to see that ''A cure for wellness'' is finally coming out to on sky movies in England. I have been w anting to watch it for ages - and checking regularly. The first showing is on Saturday and I have it on record. If I have been correctly informed, it was out in the USA (movie channels) in about November time. Why do they do that? Like, is America really that special? I should be meeting m friend tomorrow, he has also got me a copy of the movie (naughty naughty) as well as Annabelle creation. I love horror when they get it right, and I still like it when they get it wrong.

 

Anyway - I hope everyone is okay. Keep it up guys. Peace.

[Victimorthecrime]

Hey Small thanx for the update.  Sorry you are going through a rough patch and hope it gets better soon.  

I have had some of those wicked low moments especially when I first wake up in the morning.  I fight back by being rational and motivated by my goals, for lack of a better word.  

Sending you good vibes.  

[Small]

You are the most motivated guy I know on here Victim, I can learn a great deal from you. I am usually shrouded in apathy. I have a deadline in less than 2 weeks and I don't know if I am going to meet it. So that has certainly got me worried and working - which is the incentive behind my break. Once that is done I can hopefully relax a little. Keep it up.

[Small]

If anyone would like to see what i look like i have a portrait: 

[Small]

As you can see i look like a cross between a goblin & a vampire. I hardly ever wear the monocle and the nose ring is a clip on.

[jazz]

Is it a self portrait? 

[malign]

You may only see well out of one eye, but I bet your hearing's good.  And it's not every guy who can rock a scarlet ascot.

[Small]

15 hours ago, jazz said:

Is it a self portrait? 

No. My mum made it while I was sat at the dinner table enjoying a cup of tea with half an oreo. She said I looked especially charming that evening and wanted to capture my elusive warm side. 

[Small]

22 hours ago, malign said:

(...) but I bet your hearing's good. 

The doctors could never figure out why. I personally put it down to my awesome haircut but I have recently grown suspicious that that it could be something else.

[malign]

Now you have me wondering how you enjoy Oreos with your unique dental development.  I've seen over- and underbites;  is that an interbite?  I'm picturing a lot of crumbs and some frustration.  That could cause an eternal hunger in anyone.

[IrmaJean]

I like your orange scarf myself. It brings out your eyes.

[Small]

I saw my friend today. We got food, talked and played chess. After the game I summoned the courage to confess my self harming behavior to him & he got very upset & angry. He is a usually economic with words or a display of emotion so his response caught me off guard. I'm glad I told him though & I appreciate the way he responded. It hit me deep. 

[IrmaJean]

It's always good to know that someone cares. I recall once a friend of mine responded in a way that surprised me too, but I also appreciated that they cared enough to respond the way they did. It shook me up and I listened. 

I hope your friend can be there for you.

I hope you have a serene weekend.

[Small]

@IrmaJean

Yeah he's usually very calm and quiet. So when he reacted like that it really took me by surprise. Also I have known him from when I was 16 and we've been best friends since we were 19. So I figured if I tell him it will really shake up my own view on it. While we were discussing it I came to the realisation that harming myself was an act of betraying myself. I said it out loud a few times and it did strike a cord. It made me upset. I wasn't planning on doing it this weekend anyway so come next week I will see if his involvement will effect me. 

 

I'm relieved that I told him. It took a lot of courage - maybe he's lost respect for me now. Not that it matters, as long as he's my friend it's fine.