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My so called life


Small

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I've had a long think today. I do believe I am aware of the underlying causes of my self harm, and I have decided to ay least attempt to satisfy these needs in a less hurtful way. The impulses are strong & persistent I won't lie. I won't attempt to ignore them but I'm wondering if I can deflect them into a safer outlet? I'm not in a place to realign my psyche in a manner which helps to alleviate the urges altogether, because the changes required to do this are out of my reach :(

 

I know this is ambitious :( but I'll see what I can do. If I fail then I shall fail gloriously. So far today I haven't self harmed. But I do feel the urge coming on. I have prepared my deflection ideas in advance & I'll see how that goes. I'm not expecting to recover or anything, but I just want to look myself in the mirror with the knowledge that I'm trying. 

 

I hope you guys don't think I'm completely insane. 

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You are very self aware and self-reflecting small, so I know you will figure this out. You are not insane and nobody talking to you would ever think that. I've held you as an example of a genuine case of SPS conquering, in a realistic way, not that magical thinking bs. So if anyone can overcome this its you. 

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It's past 3am and I just woke up from a strange dream. I'm feeling low & glum as a plum. Oh & I'm hungry. Well I just went to the kitchen & stuffed my face in. I have managed to avoid the self harm this week. I believe Sunday is the last day I went through with it. I have been tempted I won't lie, but the deflection has been helping thus far. I'm taking it one day at a time. I imagine that I'm going to have some bad days.

 

To be honest I miss it. There was something intimate to it. Plus I had something private & exciting to look forward to. So that makes me sad.

 

I can't stress enough how bad last Saturday was. I really fucked myself up. Sunday wasn't as bad but it was still horrific. When I discovered the BIID thread in the self Injury sub forum it awoke a morbid curiosity in me. Currently I don't believe I would do something permanent to myself because of the implications, but I have had moments of acute excitement this week, where I feel as though I must. What I had done to my body on Saturday worries me that I might have what it takes to do irreversible damage to myself.

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17 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Sounds like you guys are feeling down.  I hope things get better.  

I will be spending Christmas alone also.  Am I happy about it? No. Am I depressed about it? Not really.  To me Christmas is just another day. It comes and it goes.  

It's sad times when Xmas becomes just another day. I hope that you are able to do something that makes it feel special to you. I'll be spending it with my parents, siblings & nieces/nephews but as usual I'll feel alone & withdrawn. 

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Klingsor, it feels hard to go on sometimes when someone you love is no longer physically present. Have you tried to sit with your feelings of loss and yearning? I know my instinct has been to fight pain and push it away, but over time, I have found it helpful to allow all of the uncomfortable feelings and then let them go. Are there ways you can connect with your grandma to celebrate her and keep her light shining? I'm sorry for your loss.

Small, have you tried to breathe through the moments of excitement when you feel an urge to self harm? I find that breathing centers me, in part I think because it brings me back to my rational mind. The neurobiology in this being that it brings our thoughts and energy away from the amygdala. I hope you find something that is helpful to you. I hope that you continue to heal.

Wishing all of you a peaceful and healing Christmas.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The new year is so depressing. Why do people celebrate it? I spent a lot of time at my parents but I'm home now. I didn't get the skates I wanted for Xmas so I'll need to buy my own pair. I've managed to not self for 2 weeks, and for now at least, the urge has subsided. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so I'm taking this one day at a time. Hope everyone is okay. 

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@Small I think this time of year is hard for a lot of people. With everyone going on about "new year new me" shite. 

I hate it as every year I hype myself up to exercise and lose weight and try and better myself but by the time I got back to work I'm back to my usual fat over eating over drinking self. Hopefully this year I knuckle down and get it sorted. 

 

I hope your back soon @Small  take it easy mate 

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I'm sorry you didn't get the ice skates you wanted for Christmas. Can you use rentals until you have your own pair? I know that can get expensive after a while, though.

Good news about no self harm. I think taking one day at a time is all any of us can do. I hope things continue on a healthy path for you.

I think that some people like to think of the new year as a fresh start or as a starting poing to try something different or new. But I can see how the passage of time could feel depressing too. I hope you find some serenity during 2018.

Take care.

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On January 3, 2018 at 3:06 AM, YOTH said:

Could the forum be any more annoying? Take it easy, this place is fucked atm. It's like Israel over here haha

What can I say? I'm cough syrup living in a cotton candy world. I've said for years I was going to leave the community and never return, but I always do. I don't know why. I only use my dick these days to urinate. Just trying to have some fun but as usual I'm the monster under the bed. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not in good health and my life is a social and financial void. 

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@Klingsor Let's do that letter thing. Send me your address and I'll post you a letter and a box of British stuff, sweets etc. But then you have to return the favour lol. What's it like for recieving parcels over there? I've seen videos where people pinch the parcels right off the step. They don't really do that over here, they keep it in the post office if it's undeliverable. 

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@Klingsor Some people see monsters everywhere but in themselves. We can all get taken out of context or act like a dick occasionally, but it's not exactly an offence punishable by death or banishment. Nobody in here gives a flying fuck about the whole drama side of things, it crops up from time to time but it always fucks off again. Now squeeze into your jumpsuit and retake the stage Elvis 😀👍

 

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