Small Posted December 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 I've had a long think today. I do believe I am aware of the underlying causes of my self harm, and I have decided to ay least attempt to satisfy these needs in a less hurtful way. The impulses are strong & persistent I won't lie. I won't attempt to ignore them but I'm wondering if I can deflect them into a safer outlet? I'm not in a place to realign my psyche in a manner which helps to alleviate the urges altogether, because the changes required to do this are out of my reach I know this is ambitious but I'll see what I can do. If I fail then I shall fail gloriously. So far today I haven't self harmed. But I do feel the urge coming on. I have prepared my deflection ideas in advance & I'll see how that goes. I'm not expecting to recover or anything, but I just want to look myself in the mirror with the knowledge that I'm trying. I hope you guys don't think I'm completely insane. YOTH and Klingsor 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YOTH Posted December 19, 2017 Report Share Posted December 19, 2017 Nobody thinks you're insane. The opposite in fact, it is what it is. Good luck with it, I hope find what you need. LostBoy and Small 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted December 20, 2017 Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 You are very self aware and self-reflecting small, so I know you will figure this out. You are not insane and nobody talking to you would ever think that. I've held you as an example of a genuine case of SPS conquering, in a realistic way, not that magical thinking bs. So if anyone can overcome this its you. Victimorthecrime and LostBoy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted December 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 It's past 3am and I just woke up from a strange dream. I'm feeling low & glum as a plum. Oh & I'm hungry. Well I just went to the kitchen & stuffed my face in. I have managed to avoid the self harm this week. I believe Sunday is the last day I went through with it. I have been tempted I won't lie, but the deflection has been helping thus far. I'm taking it one day at a time. I imagine that I'm going to have some bad days. To be honest I miss it. There was something intimate to it. Plus I had something private & exciting to look forward to. So that makes me sad. I can't stress enough how bad last Saturday was. I really fucked myself up. Sunday wasn't as bad but it was still horrific. When I discovered the BIID thread in the self Injury sub forum it awoke a morbid curiosity in me. Currently I don't believe I would do something permanent to myself because of the implications, but I have had moments of acute excitement this week, where I feel as though I must. What I had done to my body on Saturday worries me that I might have what it takes to do irreversible damage to myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted December 23, 2017 Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 I'm sorry you are dealing with this small. I truly hope you won't do anything irreversible to yourself. I hope you take care of yourself and can get over this hump soon. LostBoy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted December 23, 2017 Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 Sounds like you guys are feeling down. I hope things get better. I will be spending Christmas alone also. Am I happy about it? No. Am I depressed about it? Not really. To me Christmas is just another day. It comes and it goes. LostBoy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted December 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 @Klingsor My thread is your thread Klingsor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted December 23, 2017 Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 I don't really mind being alone, actually prefer it, but just missing my grandma. I was drunk and rambling stupidly. I just feel like things are coming to a close. In a certain sense I'm glad. Hope everyone enjoys the holiday season with good friends and family. Victimorthecrime and LostBoy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted December 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 @Klingsor I'm sorry you lost your grandma, I know how much she meant to you. I hope you do something special for Christmas, even if it's enjoying a special meal, saying a prayer, or just reflecting on nostalgic times. Klingsor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted December 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 17 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said: Sounds like you guys are feeling down. I hope things get better. I will be spending Christmas alone also. Am I happy about it? No. Am I depressed about it? Not really. To me Christmas is just another day. It comes and it goes. It's sad times when Xmas becomes just another day. I hope that you are able to do something that makes it feel special to you. I'll be spending it with my parents, siblings & nieces/nephews but as usual I'll feel alone & withdrawn. Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted December 24, 2017 Report Share Posted December 24, 2017 Klingsor, it feels hard to go on sometimes when someone you love is no longer physically present. Have you tried to sit with your feelings of loss and yearning? I know my instinct has been to fight pain and push it away, but over time, I have found it helpful to allow all of the uncomfortable feelings and then let them go. Are there ways you can connect with your grandma to celebrate her and keep her light shining? I'm sorry for your loss. Small, have you tried to breathe through the moments of excitement when you feel an urge to self harm? I find that breathing centers me, in part I think because it brings me back to my rational mind. The neurobiology in this being that it brings our thoughts and energy away from the amygdala. I hope you find something that is helpful to you. I hope that you continue to heal. Wishing all of you a peaceful and healing Christmas. Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted December 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2017 @IrmaJean That's interesting. I saw my niece the other day and she had a mindfulness app installed she wanted us to try. We did a 3 minute breathing session guided by the instructions, and I do see the benefits to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted January 2, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2018 The new year is so depressing. Why do people celebrate it? I spent a lot of time at my parents but I'm home now. I didn't get the skates I wanted for Xmas so I'll need to buy my own pair. I've managed to not self for 2 weeks, and for now at least, the urge has subsided. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so I'm taking this one day at a time. Hope everyone is okay. Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted January 3, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 Yeah I think I'm taking a break. The forum has been hostile to me lately. Take care guys. Good luck with Ze Germans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YOTH Posted January 3, 2018 Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 Could the forum be any more annoying? Take it easy, this place is fucked atm. It's like Israel over here haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smallbeans Posted January 3, 2018 Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 @Small I think this time of year is hard for a lot of people. With everyone going on about "new year new me" shite. I hate it as every year I hype myself up to exercise and lose weight and try and better myself but by the time I got back to work I'm back to my usual fat over eating over drinking self. Hopefully this year I knuckle down and get it sorted. I hope your back soon @Small take it easy mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted January 3, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 @Smallbeans @YOTH Thanks lads. Keep up the good work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted January 3, 2018 Report Share Posted January 3, 2018 I'm sorry you didn't get the ice skates you wanted for Christmas. Can you use rentals until you have your own pair? I know that can get expensive after a while, though. Good news about no self harm. I think taking one day at a time is all any of us can do. I hope things continue on a healthy path for you. I think that some people like to think of the new year as a fresh start or as a starting poing to try something different or new. But I can see how the passage of time could feel depressing too. I hope you find some serenity during 2018. Take care. YOTH 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted January 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2018 Captain Small hereby coins this attitude as: The acceptance - emasculation paradox Klingsor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 On January 3, 2018 at 3:06 AM, YOTH said: Could the forum be any more annoying? Take it easy, this place is fucked atm. It's like Israel over here haha What can I say? I'm cough syrup living in a cotton candy world. I've said for years I was going to leave the community and never return, but I always do. I don't know why. I only use my dick these days to urinate. Just trying to have some fun but as usual I'm the monster under the bed. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not in good health and my life is a social and financial void. YOTH 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazz Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 17 minutes ago, Klingsor said: I'm not in good health and my life is a social and financial void. Just passing by with a Klingsor. Victimorthecrime and Klingsor 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YOTH Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 @Klingsor Let's do that letter thing. Send me your address and I'll post you a letter and a box of British stuff, sweets etc. But then you have to return the favour lol. What's it like for recieving parcels over there? I've seen videos where people pinch the parcels right off the step. They don't really do that over here, they keep it in the post office if it's undeliverable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 I'm sorry you have been have not been in good health, Klingsor. I care about your well-being. I like the idea of letter writing. I'm open to that as well. Take care of yourself. Victimorthecrime, YOTH and Klingsor 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 Please stay Klingsor. Nothing bad has happened. I hope you are well and stay well. YOTH and Klingsor 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YOTH Posted January 8, 2018 Report Share Posted January 8, 2018 @Klingsor Some people see monsters everywhere but in themselves. We can all get taken out of context or act like a dick occasionally, but it's not exactly an offence punishable by death or banishment. Nobody in here gives a flying fuck about the whole drama side of things, it crops up from time to time but it always fucks off again. Now squeeze into your jumpsuit and retake the stage Elvis 😀👍 Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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