Small Posted May 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2018 Sorry Jazz, I'm sure u would have made lovely company but i was consumed by grief. I've seen my friends a few times since i last mentioned & I'm in a WhatsApp chat group with them. I've only played football with them twice & have declined anymore invitations regarding that. It's sad to see that they have moved on so much, and that I'm probably the outsider. One small positive is that I'm not "hiding" (as they put it) from them anymore. They know how to reach me & I'm always up for non-sport related things with them. I'm still trying to address a lot of ongoing issues, failing mostly. For what it's worth I'm still trying and giving it my best efforts but alas. I feel stuck since so much is outside of my control. I've self harmed a few times too since my last post regarding it, but it's largely under control. I've quit the more harmful things and stick to what i can handle. I don't know if i can ever stop it fully. Other than that i have small ups but massive downs. And i am talking suicidal. I recently opened up to my mum but now I'm consumed by guilt because I know she'll worry about me. I should have kept it to myself. It's been just over 9 months since Resolutes passing & i have been checking his profile ever since. Maybe it's out of habit, maybe out of hope that he's somehow back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazz Posted May 24, 2018 Report Share Posted May 24, 2018 Sounds a very painful situation, small. Try not to isolate yourself from people who care, this is when you need support even if you are bothered about worrying them. Sorry you are grieving I hope you can find some love for yourself in amongst all the unhappiness, I think that is one difference between doing something drastic and not. The mind can trick us into thinking everything is our fault when it is not, it's the misery prism. IrmaJean 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 25, 2018 Report Share Posted May 25, 2018 I check res's page too sometimes...still hard to believe. Loss can be so immense, it's difficult to fathom and accept. My daughter is also struggling with depression. I can see now how deeply entrenched and complex it can be. I'm sorry for your pain, Small. Have you still been skating? How is your niece these days? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted May 27, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2018 @IrmaJean I've been skating yeah. I'm still not confident enough to skate outdoors so the lap around the park hasn't happened. The cracks and overall uneven "terrain" really jerks me around. Do u have tips regarding that? (I can skate just fine indoors so idk how to address that.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 28, 2018 Report Share Posted May 28, 2018 Balancing can be tough, especially when there are things to throw you off balance.. and if there is nothing to grab onto. I think I would have trouble too so I don't know if I have any useful tips for you. Hopefully more practice helps. I'm glad you're still skating, though. I hope it gives you some enjoyment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted May 31, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2018 @jazz I'm okay with being upset. Since boyhood I was worrying about something or another. The tides of sadness go from one place to another in me - never truly relenting. My problem is my situation & that I am stuck. It's one thing moving through life in despair but it's another not moving at all. I try to shape and control whatever's in my grasp, but i've noticed there are firm obstructions outside of my reach that stop me living even a substandard existence. I'm like a mouse trapped inside a maze of which there's neither a centre nor an exit. So I wonder full of purpose but from the very beginning it was always futile. I can't fault myself so much as these universal barriers - call them chance, fate ot karma. I don't know. But i am the true loser because I still try & struggle. Am i churning the cream into butter or am I tightening the noose around my neck? I'm not perfect because i have bad habits. At least if i didn't try i wouldn't experience so much turbulence, or the humiliation of seeing how little I yield from what I sow. I feel useless. It rained on Sunday - there was a thunderstorm. It hadn't rained that hard in years. I watched it from my doorstep at first, the thunder rolled continuously with no break. I've never heard that before. The lighting flashed 3, 4 even 5 times per set. I got my umbrella and walked to the park. Some people feel happy on a sunny beach, others in the bustling city. But stood under the heavy clouds & continous storm i felt at one with myself. It's so peaceful. The walkways turned into makeshift streams, the grass into marshland. But i swear until this day, the wonder of rain gushing from the heavens always takes my breath away. It is so, so, beautiful. I'm rambling. I am just stuck. Some of us have to be. jazz 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted May 31, 2018 Report Share Posted May 31, 2018 I'm stuck too Small. Stuck w this house, my job, and past consequences. I'll rant more over on my thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazz Posted June 1, 2018 Report Share Posted June 1, 2018 Small, I understand what you are saying. If it's a ramble, it's a very eloquent one. There were plenty of storms here as well. If they reflect how you feel inside, wishing you a calm after the storm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 3, 2018 Report Share Posted June 3, 2018 I think it's cool that you feel serene during thunderstorms, Small. I think of it as being like a release of sorts or a space to regroup and take a breath. We had those kinds of storms every afternoon during the summertime when we lived in FL. Nature, however we may connect with it, can be calming. Definitely wondrous. I hope you continue to find moments of inner peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted July 5, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2018 I just rewatched American Fable. Second time I've seen it & it really is a calming drama. It's about a small farming family that have a city businessman imprisoned in their Silo. Gitty, their young daughter stumbles upon him & they become friends. It themes the fable The Lion & The Mouse, where a lion trapped in a net convinces a mouse to help free him. And when he does, the lion eats the mouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 11, 2018 Report Share Posted July 11, 2018 I watched a beautiful mind last weekend, had never seen it before. It was pretty good. The forum is quite inactive these days, especially with resolute no longer here. Hope everyone is ok. Small 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted July 12, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2018 I liked a beautiful mind too. Have you seen A theory of everything? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 12, 2018 Report Share Posted July 12, 2018 I saw both movies, though several years ago, and enjoyed both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 12, 2018 Report Share Posted July 12, 2018 I haven't seen that yet but I probably will because I like biopics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted July 12, 2018 Report Share Posted July 12, 2018 I'd like a beautiful mind, but unfortunately, mine's butt-ugly. 🙂 Klingsor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 13, 2018 Report Share Posted July 13, 2018 Yeah me too. I'm all rust and no brilliance...hee hee, ha ha, hahaha, AAAHHHAHAHAHA, ah ha ha, hee...hmm. 😐 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted July 29, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2018 @Klingsor Have you seen (Bruce Willis & Samuel L Jackson) Unbreakable? I saw it & thought of our many conversations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 29, 2018 Report Share Posted July 29, 2018 Yes that's one of my favorites, I've referenced it before on the forum. It's about self-actualization and identity. Great movie..."they called me Mr. Glass". I watched the Aronofsky movie The black swan this weekend. It was good, but I found the sexuality triggering at times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 29, 2018 Report Share Posted July 29, 2018 Do you have any good "foreign film" suggestions, by foreign I just mean films produced somewhere else than the US? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 29, 2018 Report Share Posted July 29, 2018 Sorry for droning on, nobody likes the the things I do where I live. I love films and theater. Victimorthecrime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazz Posted July 30, 2018 Report Share Posted July 30, 2018 @Klingsor I can recommend a book series by Simon Scarrow called the Eagle series about the adventures of 2 Roman soldiers - he has written many now, the first one was 'Under the Eagle'. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/578428.Under_the_Eagle Klingsor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted July 30, 2018 Report Share Posted July 30, 2018 Thanks, jazz. I'll see if the library has that series and check it out, looks really interesting. jazz 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Small Posted July 31, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 @Klingsor I know what you mean about black swan. It's unfortunate that the sorts of films i like are usually sexually charged too. Unbreakable really is a testament to how confining nature is - even self actualization being forced into different directions. I rewatched the matrix last night. Had i seen it in my younger days, i bet I'd have been plagued with the nightmares of Agent Smith even til this day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klingsor Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 The matrix trilogy is one of my favorites too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazz Posted August 1, 2018 Report Share Posted August 1, 2018 On 7/30/2018 at 3:07 PM, Klingsor said: Thanks, jazz. I'll see if the library has that series and check it out, looks really interesting. If you can find it and like it you will have plenty to read for a bit 🙂 They are quite funny in parts too, with a strong friendship at the heart of the story. I can't watch The Matrix or anything like it anymore, not grounded enough for me these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.