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Movement

Well, I talked to my brother on the phone today, and he got mad at me because I'm still so hesitant. He's got a point: everyone's helping me except me, now. So I got up the courage to change the auto-deposit. Now, paying all the bills is my responsibility. And I have to inform her that I did it, and face whatever comes from that. It's progress, though.

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It's a Process

Well, since I last wrote, my other brother (technically, half-brother) has offered to put me up, although he lives maybe an hour and a half away, and my dad has put a sizeable amount of money in the account I opened yesterday. Yeah, I needed a second account: the first one I opened was at the bank my wife and I currently use, so I couldn't get an ATM card without it being visible to her, so ... I shouldn't have opened it at all when I heard that, but the branch is easier to reach on foot. An

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Falter

Well, I opened a checking account on Saturday, but I didn't make any progress Sunday, and I'm a bit more worried. The more I consider the visit to the lawyer, the less I feel we accomplished. She got paid to give us an hour's sales pitch, but carefully refrained from giving any unequivocal advice. Now I'm living off my brother's charity but have no guts to take the next step(s). I have to keep focusing on being positive and telling myself that I'm worth it, that this is just a temporary pause

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Lawyer and Next Steps

Well, my brother drove up to support me and we went to see the lawyer. She was quite old, and although she seemed knowledgeable, she had a tendency to ramble instead of being as focused on the issues as I had expected. And the retainer she asked for was huge! But I did learn that it ought not to be desertion either to change my auto-deposit or to leave, so in that sense, it helped. The plan for now is to set up a bank account and a P.O. box and prepare for the financial separation. I'm leanin

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Movement

Well, my brother wired me money, so I'm full for the first time in a couple of weeks. I have an appointment with a lawyer in the middle of the day tomorrow, which he's also paying for. The hard part is the waiting. I don't know what _I_ can do to move this forward.

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Some Relief

Well, my brother answered an e-mail I wrote him yesterday, asking (begging?) him for help. It has taken a huge load off my mind: he offered to help. In fact, he seems to have taken charge. He's been an ER and operating-room nurse for maybe fifteen years, so he's trained to do that. My only concern is that I might just switch people to rely completely on. It's so much less scary, at least, and I can work on fine-tuning the relationship later. I feel a lot better (though slightly guilty tha

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Consistency

How is it that what seems like a good idea to me right now is so scary to me in the morning? So much that I cower in bed until I can't implement it and just have to go to work another day without doing anything. Well, okay, it's scary now too, but I can at least contemplate that nothing else will change anything. At times I can slow the spinning cycle of fear in my thoughts, but somehow I can't break out of it.

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Uncertainty

I really don't know what's going on. And I guess that's partly my fault, still not taking any sort of control. The missing clothes from Thursday were apparently donated to charity. [Passive voice: rewrite] My wife apparently donated to charity the clothes that she took on Thursday. She wrote me an e-mail saying that she was leaving me the number of shirts and pants that I owned when we got married. I guess she thinks that she's responsible for giving me the rest. Granted, she's the one who

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Escalation

I discovered this morning that she removed a bunch of my clothes from the closet. I had to wear yesterday's pants to work. It's like she's daring me to escalate. Yet I keep caving in.

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Support Does Help

I managed to talk to a co-worker in private (my direct supervisor, in fact) about my situation, yesterday. I was surprised how much it helped; I had been worried about embarrassment, speaking to a non-therapist in person like that. It was fairly short-lived, and after all, only I can do anything about the situation, and only I am refusing to. But it did make me feel better.

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Anxiety Rising

I'm having to make an increasing effort the past two days or so to keep the anxiety at bay. I've managed it mostly by just distracting myself, like reading something escapist. But the worst time is between when I wake up, too early at about 5:30, and stay in bed until after 7:00. During that time, I go from afraid to get up, hiding in bed, to afraid not to go to work, and getting up and leaving. This greatly contributes to the feeling that I have no spare time at home.

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Power Play

Well, my wife has set herself up in the basement as if it were a separate apartment. She took down everything she thinks of as hers (basically, anything significant which she has purchased since our marriage, despite all our finances being joint) and put out things that she doesn't want that are mine. One cat ("hers") lives in there with her, and the other one, which I owned when we got married, is forbidden from visiting "common areas" unless I'm there to supervise and clean after it. She ca

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To Feel or Not to Feel..

...to see or not see. To taste or not taste. To smell or not smell. To hear or not hear...to be alive or dead...I don't know which is worse. Torture it seems either way, to see, to taste, to smell, to hear, to live.........Just STOP! ..and let it snow and let me feel, see, taste, smell, hear, and live that.

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Unrecognized Fear

I just realized how much fear I've been hiding from myself, recently. I think that's a big part of what's been fueling my depression and self-hate, at least in the last few months. In a way, I'm glad to recognize it. It can also have a snowball effect if I dwell on it, though. I guess I have to accept the fear and verify it against reality, and change the things that are real that I have power over. Logical, isn't it?

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Statements to Self

1. I am valuable, and deserve to take care of myself by eating and drinking right, keeping myself clean, and allowing myself to sleep comfortably. 2. I do not deserve to be put down, whether it's by me or by others. If it happens anyway, I do not have to agree with the insult by taking it in. I am not perfect, but change can be requested without insult. 3. I am afraid, but that does not have to rule me. I will survive despite my fears. 4. I have a right to speak up when I am being hurt. It m

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Define 'home'

Had to work late last night. It just emphasized how home's only purpose is as a place to sleep, these days. I don't even eat meals there. I'm not eager to go home tonight, and there's nowhere else to go. And then there's the weekend alone with her, the caustic tongue having shifted to stony silence lately, sleeping separately. I spent last weekend in bed, hiding, not eating or drinking. What will I do this time?

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The Good Stuff

As inspired by AndreaB, I'm making a second post today to make a list of good things about myself: I'm intelligent, with a good memory. I'm polite. I try to take care of others, especially children. I'm detail-oriented. I'm in good health. I guess I'll have to add to this over time, somehow.

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Too Much Focus

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying too hard ... For instance, I come here, constantly querying for some change in the board. Now, there are lots of people here with serious problems, and if I can do something to help, then great. But in many ways, focusing on their and my own problems is helping to distract me from my own solutions. The same is true for all the time I spend worrying about things when I'm not here. It's not helping. I need to just do stuff. Be happy now instead of worrying how

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Insomnia defined:

fear of sleep; fear of being invaded by the body snatchers; "1 2 They're coming for you 3 4 better lock your door 5 6 better grab your crucifix 7 8 better stay awake 9 10 never sleep again"

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Power Game

Well, I began an angry open post, then scrapped it. After all, what can anyone tell me that actually helps? That I have a right to be angry, that she was wrong, that only I can do something about it ... and I know all that. It would just be textual yelling about something that no one here is responsible for. Text is no substitute for an inarticulate scream, not that I would be willing to try one.

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An entry for today

What can I say about today? I'm mostly trying to put it back together after the weekend (again). Trying to stop worrying and bothering what I can't change at the moment; to stop fearing that I don't exist or won't, shortly; basically to just stop and breathe. I went to work. I'll go home. I'll sleep alone again, probably, and not be bothered. I may stop at the library on the way home, although that means about 45 minutes of walking instead of a bus, because that will take my mind off thing

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Nightmares & Night Sweats **Possible Triggers**

The sweats left, but the nightmares have been with me all day. I've taken my meds, but I'm fighting the terror of sleep. I don't want to see again and all through the day again. I don't want to wake up wet and cold either. It's almost like a sick feeling or is. I must have fought and thrashed a lot. I have a heavy mattress and the sheets were completely untucked and were in a wad on the bed when I went to change and wash them. I hope I either killed him, or beat and tortured him to death and th

FlowFreak

FlowFreak

Convinced?

I think I understand the source of my suicidal feelings, now. After a barrage of her talk, I end up at least momentarily convinced that I don't exist at all without the relationship. Not necessarily because she says any such thing directly. It's more that having sat still listening to it, usually for hours, I've proved that I already believe it! If I thought I had any existence at all outside the marriage, I wouldn't be taking this. I'd be making that existence happen. But the experience o

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