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Daisy among roses

I have been absent from this site for some time. I feel bad about it actually. So many people have offered me help in the past and I haven't been around to help anyone or just listen. I've only posted a few time in the past year. I suppose in a way I've felt unable to help anyone as for a while I was unable to help myself. I started a completely new life in 2011. As I have spoken about before, I started a new job, broke off an engagement, started dating someone new, "donated" my beautiful cats

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A little out of sorts

My profile picture is a picture of my cats Mittens and Pearl. I adopted them when they were 5 1/2 weeks old. They were so tiny! And I had to feed them milk still. They were abandoned by their mom when they were a week old. The lady who's property they were found on brought them in to my sister's work (she works for a veterinarian) to have them euthanized. An employee there took pity on them and said that she would take care of them until they were old enough to adopt out. Anyway, they are m

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Finally! Computer is fixed!

Yes, it took me months to get it fixed. Finally I have a laptop again. I feel like I've been away forever. Life has been going fairly well at least. I am having some anxiety issues lately though. I guess I need to talk about them in therapy. I'm having trouble figuring out what's making me feel so edgy, although I have gone through a lot this year, which probably has a lot to do with it. Anyway, I just wanted to post to let people know I'm still around! Cass

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Worst emotional pain

I was doing so so well until now. The past 3 weeks have been ok. I've been coping well with the break-up. I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthy. The only issue has been that I'm not eating enough, but that happens when I get stressed. Yesterday morning I had a terrible dream. A young man had assaulted me and attempted to murder me in my home. I had escaped unharmed, but the criminal was never caught. In the dream, I was lying in my bed and it was early morning. I opened my ey

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Things may be over

I broke off my engagement two days ago. I had been thinking about this for a long time. My fiancé and I had been trying to work through things, but it was becoming very evident that there were still major issues. I just didn't see the point in entering a marriage with problems to begin with. We had thought about relationship counselling, but it doesn't make sense to me to start this counselling when your wedding date is 7 months away. I am in still in a bit of shock I suppose, even though it

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Computer is broken :(

I haven't been around for a while and I felt I should at least let people know that I'm ok. I'm doing really well actually. I am very busy in my new job (where I am very happy!) and with wedding plans. I have learned to deal with my mother better (by putting her in her place, rightly so!) and my relationship with my fiance is growing stronger and stronger. Alas, my computer is broken or rather, my charger is. I keep meaning to bring it in to the shop since it's under warranty, but I'm so bus

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It's a good day today

I woke up today feeling more refreshed than I have in a while. I checked my phone messages, as I do every morning when I get up. I got one from my fiancé saying that I had "made his day" by providing him with some new music albums I had just bought and that he was feeling really happy today. It made me smile to know that it brought him some happiness, considering how depressed he's been. I smiled to myself. Things have been going very well this week, so I thought I'd share, because I'm so surp

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Mad

I made a mistake last night. I agreed to have dinner with my parents for New Year's day. I know it was their attempt to make up for the family Christmas party they cancelled this year that left me so devestated. Not only did my father refer to everyone who has an eating disorder as crazy...to which I told him I had one and he just retorted "You do not!"...., but my mother told me that therapy was useless than that it "changes" people for the worst. We were talking in the kitchen and she was me

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Happy New Year

Happy 2011! I am alone right now. I decided to spend the evening on my own. My fiancé went to his friend's place, and I wasn't interested in a house party. And I have decided I'm not longer doing things I don't want to do. But he visited me today. Yesterday, we spoke a bit and I told him I was feeling down, and he said "I know you're feeling bad right now, but in the words of Randy Newman, You've Got a Friend In Me, ok?". That was sweet of him, since he's going through his own issues right

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Sad

I actually started writing a blog entry on Boxing Day, but my computer shut down suddenly and I lost 30 minutes of writing. I hate it when that happens. So this will be shorter. Christmas was as I thought it might be. Dissapointing. I can't say I really got into the whole "Christmas spirit", which is bad since it's normally my favourite time of the year. I just felt too depressed this time...with my fiancé depressed, and things not going swimmingly between us...combined with work issues, fami

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Rock Bottom

Lately, I feel horrible. I haven't posted on this site in a long time because i don't even feel like i can post anything worthwhile in an attempt to help anyone. I can't even help myself. I am more and more depressed every day. After 2.5 years of therapy 2-4 times a month, I finally trust my therapist. I've been opening up a lot to him and I've finally cried in therapy. It was such a weird feeling to be comfortable with it. It was one of the first times I really felt present in therapy. Af

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Trying to let go.

Today, my therapist very bluntly told me that I will never have the father that I want, that I am living in a fantasy world, and that I need to accept that my father probably doesn't care about me. I started off my being angry, and maybe hurt. It's as close as I've ever come to crying in therapy, but as I am processing everything now, I know that he's right. Dad never wanted girls...he always told my sister and I that he wished we were boys. It made me feel worthless. When he paid any attenti

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I don't feel anything.

Right now, nothing comforts me. Not a reasuring touch, not a hug. My fiance hugs me all the time and I feel nothing. It is devestating to me that I cannot feel anything. I have felt like this for over a month now. I don't know what it means. It's like, I feel that I need to be held and comforted because I feel very depressed, but whenever someone tries, I don't feel any better. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so empty.

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Mother again...

Really starting to get why my therapist has repeatedly told me to distance myself from this toxic woman. She called and left a message this evening, said she had a question and to call her back. Me, thinking it would be a quick conversation, called her back while making dinner. She asks how i am doing as always. I give her the standard "I'm fine" and she gives me her typical "you don't sound fine" but I cut her off and ask what she wants. She starts blabbing about something...something complet

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Mother, mother!!!

It never ceases to amaze me how a perfectly good day can be ruined in a matter of seconds by my mother. How sad is that? :mad: I had a rather good day today. I've recently been promoted at work, which not only means a $10k pay raise (yearly) but also more responsibility and more exciting work. I've started working compressed hours to that I can have a day off every two weeks. I caught up with a friend and had lunch with her today, then stopped for one of my favourite coffee drinks after work.

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