I guess it's been a while since I did a blog. Things have been going so well that the weeks seem to just fly by. I'm back on a combo of ADHD and anti-depressant meds which is helping me function without the hindrance of my symptoms, which leads to less frustration, which leads to less beating myself up and avoiding the downward spiral into negative emotions. I can think in a structured manner, and plan steps to accomplish tasks that previously overwhelmed me. This is helping out a ton at work an
Was doing great on the new meds, but anxiety came back and turned into full blown panic Friday night into Saturday. Had stopped taking the meds some days before that though. There are some gory details to the panic episode that I will leave out for now. Important thing is I am better now, and have a whole new reason to be alive. No longer wishing for death. Over three months sober now. Social relationships could use some help and I am working on that, going out to a movie with a new friend later
Things are gradually getting better. Started ADD med on Friday, feeling a big help from it even though I'm only on the starter dose. Could not come soon enough though as I'm already in trouble at work from falling behind. However, I think this trouble can be managed, especially if the new medication is as helpful as I think it will be. Actually, on Friday I thought things were going great and falling together for me. I felt genuinely happy, or more like a deep sense of gratitude for all that I h
My experiment in choosing to be happy or focus on the positives went as follows: Can one simply choose happiness? Maybe, but it takes more work than a mere desire and pasting a happy face on things. It's better to be realistic and work on the problems as they arise in the present. Did the world suddenly collapse if I stop worrying for a moment? No - my personal efforts to control the universe don't seem to be instrumental in holding it together. This is encouraging, because given the state of th
What a difference a week makes. I am still struggling with suicidal thoughts but no longer going with them. I've realized I can live with untreated ADD for the time it takes me to find a new doctor. It will be a diminished quality of life, but I can bear it. I have an appointment in two months with a doctor at a very well respected institution, but I am trying to find someone else I can see sooner. I would rather have this doctor be my primary care provider though because I agree with their phil
I am not okay. I don't know where else I can say that so I'm putting it here. I'm thinking more about suicide lately. I'll go for a few hours thinking it's the only way out, and the obvious solution, then I'll switch and think that was crazy, how could I be considering suicide. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are playing tug of war with my head. Triggering event was visit with pdoc to discuss ADHD meds. This did not go well and I left feeling insulted, berated, and hopeless about getting effec
I'm making progress toward setting goals, but it's slow. It occurs to me that this is an improvement though because a few weeks ago the idea of even thinking about goals was beyond my grasp. Still need to find a direction in life. I have taken the time to define some values that I want to prioritize, the next step is to make goals that express these values. Still sober, 40 days now. Not even sure why I'm doing this anymore. I mean I have my reasons written down, but they seemed much more meaning
Still sober but strongly tempted. This is really difficult. Trying to keep a positive outlook but whenever people ask how things are going I find a way to say it in a negative tone, without meaning to. Sometimes I try too hard to be positive and it comes out fake. I'm struggling at work due to my concentration problems. My work is getting harder and I'm reaching the limit of how far I can get bluffing that I actually listened to what the other person is saying. Meditation helps with mindfulness,
Made it through two weekends now without drinking. Trying to quit porn at the same time. Realizing I have a sex addiction. Dammit I get addicted to anything I touch it seems. Actually not everything. Just opiates, alcohol, and sex in general. Looking forward to getting ADHD meds but I'm aware there is a risk of addiction with those too. I can't say it won't happen. Then again my pdoc is aware I had alcohol issues in the past and may refuse to prescribe stims. Or I may grow some self control by t
After years of personally suspecting I had ADHD I finally got tested and unsurprisingly I scored high on the scale for inattentive type. Now my therapist wants to talk to my pdoc about getting me on ADD meds. It turns out the therapist I was seeing for depression specializes in ADHD and could see my symptoms emerging as I got out of depression but still had struggles with time management and relationships. I thought it was still depression but now that I have a diagnosis I am looking at informa
Well, I didn't stay sober this weekend but I didn't make myself sick either. I didn't day-drink on Saturday like the past two weekends. The result is that I didn't have panic on Saturday although I did face depression that felt like a train running through my apartment. Mostly it's because I miss my boyfriend. I went to lunch with my meditation group and that felt good. Beats eating alone. Then we all went our separate ways and the good feeling went away. I guess I need to be around people, alth
Still drinking even though I try not to. I keep making myself sick but don't seem to learn my lesson. I'm worried now about what will happen if this doesn't change. I'm scared I'll do something stupid when drunk and not be able to handle the consequences. I'm so depressed and anxious right now. I'm starting to think that drinking is causing some of the panic I've been feeling on the weekends. Of course not drinking puts me in full contact with my depression, isolation, and regret, which is proba
I only drank one night this week. Had a hell of a hangover on only 6 drinks. Had multiple panic attacks to wade through on Saturday. I don't know if that is due to drinking or if I just am prone to panic on Saturdays - probably a combo of both. Need to try not drinking on Friday night to find out. My therapist thinks I might have ADHD and gave me a test to fill out. I used to think I had ADHD, then figured it was just depression mimicking the same symptoms because no pdoc would consider it as a
I am back on my meds but haven't stabilized yet. Still drinking too much. It was helping me for a while but got to a point where the depression caused by drinking is worse than the depression I feel when not drinking. So now my primary coping mechanism isn't working and I have to find something else. I am staying sober just for today. We'll see if I can keep it going into tomorrow or if I end up changing my mind again. It has been a hard day with a couple times breaking down in tears and havin
I cut back on my meds to make them last until my next pdoc appointment, and predictably my depression got worse. I was feeling like I could handle it, but I ended up drinking, so I could not have been handling it that well. I keep thinking that I can drink and get away with it, but with a mood disorder the after-effects are more severe for me than for normal people. I can try to remember that but short term thinking gets me every time. I still have some alcohol and I know I shouldn't drink but I
I haven't updated in a while because very little has changed. I feel very ambivalent about everything, pulled in two directions. Can't decide. I know the "right" choice but I don't have the motivation to follow through. So I make the "right" choice and give up, or I take the easy way out and just do nothing. I missed pdoc appt and keep forgetting to reschedule. Kind of scary because I'm low on meds. Hopefully I will remember to do this tomorrow. I did get Christmas cards out today, only took me
I'm taking slightly better care of myself today, eating real food instead of junk and laying off the alcohol. I drank a lot this past week which probably explains my worsening depression. I tried to force myself to get busy and felt a little better but eventually I felt overwhelmed and had to lay down for a while. I hate not being able to get stuff done but evidently I needed to take a time out for sanity's sake. Lately I've been feeling down about life itself, not anything in particular. Everyt
It hurts so bad. I wish I could explain but stupid words won't work for me right now. I want to go but I don't have the guts. Yet I have the guts to live with the fact that I would hurt those closest to me simply to escape. I don't know how I sleep at night. Oh yeah, I don't. Unless I forgive myself, just for this moment. Maybe I can escape without hurting them. Will they even notice? Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe?
I'm finding myself stuck in fear. I feel paralyzed against doing anything because I am afraid it will turn out wrong. Because I can't control the outcome, I don't want to get involved. I think this is a lingering PTSD symptom, need to work on this in therapy. Hope I remember to bring it up. Drinking seems to be okay for now. The more I meditate the less I want to drink, and when I do drink I get tired and go to bed instead of drinking more and more. This is good because the main reason I started
Depression is back. I drank too much on Friday. I always tell myself never again and then I do it again. I can't live up to my own moral standards and the guilt is eating a hole in me. I want it but I don't want to want it. I feel like I've been out of control for the past few days, triggered to use and wanting to use but not having the opportunity. So I do something else self destructive because in my frame of mind I can't remember the promises I made to myself. Maybe I need to find out how I
Still improving. I was able to cook for myself a couple times this week. That's always a good sign; it means I have the energy to take care of myself. Wish I could normalize my sleep now. Having problems with insomnia and then not wanting to get up when I finally do get to sleep. I signed up for a keyboarding class through parks and recreation which hopefully will get me out and meeting people who share my interest in music. Have almost a social life now, nothing going on during the weekends bu
Still doing better; depression is affecting me, but I'm on top of it. Trying to take steps to improve my life and get at the cause of the depression in the first place, which is lack of direction and social isolation. Other stuff has decided to start coming up too, I guess there are layers of issues to work through. Most important is getting enough sleep. Right now I'm trying to establish a daily routine that involves me getting all my chores done. I let things fall apart domestically when I was
I'm doing better, mostly I think due to meds. The depression is still there, but in the background instead of obscuring everything else. I am thinking more about what I want to do instead of seeing a bleak lack of future when I look forward. Still haven't figured out how to get there but at least I have a general direction. It's hard not to kick myself for not figuring this out sooner. It seems like it was in front of my face the whole time; I just didn't want to believe it. Well it's in the pas
Not sure where I am at the moment. On the one hand it feels like I am doing better, but on the other hand I've withdrawn deep inside my comfort zone in an effort to avoid my demons. I'm feeling suicidal again but I've learned not to take those thoughts too seriously. It just feels like I'm all alone at times and nobody would miss me, so why do I stick around? I feel a lot of guilt and regret for past decisions I've made that took my life on a downward turn, yet I still think and behave in much t
I've had a bad cold but this has led me to stay sober over the weekend and get an enormous amount of sleep. Luckily I won't have to take time off work because I am feeling better. Thanks to so much sleep my depression has receded quite a bit. I actually feel good at this moment. I have much less feeling that I have to act out, more acceptance. I hope this feeling will stick around for a while. I learned over this weekend that isolation brings out a kind of heavy anxiety which is not fun. It seem
