The pills want me back. They won't leave me alone. I can remember the last time I called my dealer. It was around a year ago. I don't know if I could even still contact him if I tried. He'd have to still be around and willing to take a call from somebody who he probably doesn't remember. The sad thing is I have been kicking around the idea of doing so. I've been clean long enough that physically there is no addiction, should not even be tolerance. It's all psychological but there is that part d
practicing acceptance. No one understands. That's okay. Maybe things will go better next time around. Things go up and down like a wave. They repeat like a wave, too. Pattern and variation. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow, oh well, might just practice acceptance on that too. Feels like I'm too sensitive, but the world will fall apart if I let anything go. Maybe this isn't the truth but I want to at least try to control everything. I still feel like the next beating is just around the corner. I'v
Today I didn't have any paranoia and derealization seems to be down as well. I hadn't even noticed the derealization until it eased up a bit. Had a good day at work and no bad news. Might be getting some opportunity to go to HQ which strangely makes me feel way less depressed, like super happy. I guess I might have a strong desire to feel important at work. Well, I'm going to hope that I can stay on this path for a while but try not to get too attached so that I don't worry about what else could
Every once in a while something happens that makes me wonder if someone is watching out for me. I lost some stuff that I had been trying to get rid of, but was still holding onto because of my addiction. I don't know how long it's been gone because I only recently went to throw it out and found it was already taken care of. Anxiety has taken a step down since this happened. Intrusive thoughts are overbearing but I still feel like they are just thoughts - I don't have to listen to them. Nonethel
Had some drinks today, only 3 but that was enough to trigger near panic. Not used to being this sensitive, feel guilty about every little thing lately. Highly isolated socially but unsure how to reach out. Want to go back to hometown except not sure if my old friends would still have room for me in their lives. Would probably do better there than over here though. Have a job here, would need to network and all that to get a job there. I don't know where I belong, thinking (again) I would be bet
Guess I had to go through some grieving over mistakes I've made. Not so worried about it anymore. Still haven't figured out personal identity yet so there's still that. It occurred to me that I'm not making my future any better by overturning my past in the search for a cause to my current troubles. Still, a self defeating attitude is like an addiction and thinking in a new way feels unusual to me. So much easier to fall into hopelessness and self hate. But just for the time being I am going t
Should I be an addict or clean? Am I sexually active or prude? Accept things where they are or risk it all for a chance at something better, but also a chance at something significantly worse? No matter where I stand the grass always looks greener on the other side. It seems when I do something I feel like doing, I regret my impulsive act, but then when I don't do something then I regret the missed experience. Then it occurs to me I'm beating myself up now that there's no one else around to d
Small things can make a big difference. When I'm hydrated my anxiety level is manageable. I still feel paranoid about leaving the house but at least not getting a panic attack. I've noticed that usually when I do have a panic attack I haven't been hydrating. Reading is another small thing that helps. It's relatively guilt free and provides an escape while also helping my concentration. I don't know how it helps, all I know is that I can do things more smoothly and mindfully after an hour of rea
dual identity. sometimes I am my genuine self, but at others I let people walk all over me or I do the damage to myself. Switching not predictable or controllable. Most of the day I have been good ralph but in the morning I was not. Romanticizing death. In danger of doing something bad, but careful to avoid the opportunity. Interesting things in my head. For a while the multiple channels at the same time stopped, but now it's back. It happened so gradually I didn't notice it when it went away bu
Lately feeling like giving in even though urges aren't so bad to deal with anymore. It feels like I'm a disaster even when I would to outside observers appear to have my act together. So even if things are going well it will still feel like shit. How do you think your way out of that one? Drugs become appealing as a way out. A quick ticket to a dirt nap and maybe a few good times along the way. And I miss the good times. Only thing stopping me is that the good times stopped before I did. I mean
Last week therapist basically said just don't feel that way when I complained about feeling like a hopeless failure. Not sure how to take that. I have been making progress but from her suggestions I feel invalidated, like I don't really have a problem and am just complaining about normal everyday annoyances that anyone with a spine should be able to just get over. That's the problem though, is that I don't know how to "get over" things and that is what I am paying a professional to help me out w
Feel like self harm impulses are leaving, more clear lately. It's much easier to be sober. I've been more self disciplined due to volunteer work. My regular work is kicking my butt lately though. So, overly stressed but depression wise seeing some relief.
Been numb for a few days, usually means calm before the storm. Feel like I'm sliding today. Suicidal thoughts, practically used to this by now. Trigger seems to be thinking of the future. Plenty of reasons to worry. Feel better when I find ways to be creative. Seems strange. Used to thinking of creativity as a luxury, or a gift you either have or you don't. Now it's something I have to practice, or else dark thoughts take over. Then again, maybe the dark thoughts have their place. Still ambiv
Isolating myself, but don't want to. Need to get better at social skills. Want to experiment with Mensa gathering, maybe hanging out with smart people will be easier. Also thinking about joining a church to find people with similar values. Not a fundamentalist church or even Catholic but hopefully can find a progressive church that takes the values seriously without being too militant about imposing values/worldview on others. Goal would be to make one or two friends. Very unsure what to do abou
Today I had no dizziness, feeling faint, or other physical anxiety symptoms. Excited about this because it's good to see that it is possible to have relief without drugs. I still think meds have a place in the tool box though. Depression still something of an obstacle. Countering thoughts of hopelessness with CBT tools. Worthlessness is harder to counter. I have no plans for the present or future since I never planned to be alive this long. Better figure something out.
Working on why/how to live. If I am so afraid to die for nothing then there must be something I want to live for. Coming up blank on the usual candidates such as family, service, making the world a better place, etc. All seems fake or nice to think about but no follow through when I try to do it. When I try to figure it out it's like something I can't face yet is in the way, trying to get my attention but I know there is pain in it so I shy away. It feels like something and nothing at the same t
I think my thoughts about death may be about a desire to live for something larger than myself. Then again, maybe a desire for selflessness is really just another avoidance tactic (martyrdom - I must be a good person; look how much I allow myself to suffer). I push people away because I learned a long time ago not to trust others to fulfill my needs, but that isolation has led to a lack of meaning. The needs for meaning and connection don't seem to be ones I can fulfill without taking some risk
Just played through whole song well enough to carry the part within a band, as in I could play it tonight if I got on stage. Therefore I consider this goal accomplished. Now about the experiment - how does it feel to accomplish a goal. I felt pretty good a couple days ago when I realized I would probably succeed. Now, however, it's mere relief that I didn't fail. In essence no sense of accomplishment aside from avoidance of the pain of regret. Maybe I need to accomplish bigger goals. Maybe goa
I feel like I've got my addictions packed away in a little box and stuffed in the back of my closet. I'm not acting on them now, but they are always back there trying to get out. Every time I give in, I regret it. I make a conscious choice sometimes as I did last time to sabotage myself. I remember thinking that recovery is kind of boring, so let's stick our hand on the hot stove just to make sure it can still feel. And the reason is always that I thought it would be good this time, like it was
Fell behind on practicing so I don't have the song down the way I wanted to by now. My week 2 was going to be learn the fills and then keep practicing putting it together over the next week. There are some difficult parts right at the end that are not gelling for me. On the bright side maybe I can use this to work on my frustration tolerance. Had a bad weekend because of phenomenally poor choices on my part. I feel guilty and disgusted with myself. I don't know why I keep doing this. It's like
1 week into working on learning a full song to get my music practice started up again, and to experiment with setting and meeting goals. So far have the basic riffs for verse and chorus down, can play a couple of the fills and the bridge. Next week need to learn the rest of the fills. There's a part at the end which I really miss being able to play. I used to know every note of this song but I've had to relearn it. Mentally/emotionally things have been not good but not bad. Anxiety a big proble
Past few days I have been too depressed to even write. Now getting better, for a while at least. Mainly using distraction but realizing I need to get caught up on self-help type of stuff. Haven't read CBT book in a while. Also reading a book on contemplative prayer and healing, so far really interesting. I think it's the Abilify but my mood has been in a very narrow range. Don't feel as depressed, but no interest in sex (which is highly unusual for me:o) and have to force myself to do much besi
Low energy, almost no motivation. Want to sleep but trouble falling asleep. Down to 1/3rd normal caffeine intake with no caffeine after 11AM. Exercising 3-5 hrs before bed and maintaining a routine. Still only seem to feel sleepy during the day more often than not. I miss sleep. Something in the back of my mind that I don't know how to deal with, so I bury it. So angry about things that happened in the past. Want to let go and have tried, but it keeps coming back. Don't like bitter, angry people
I have all the answers but none of the skills. Thinking there is something to be learned from panic. Something is not right with the way I'm living my life to be so afraid of death but at the same time aversive to life. Mainly it's I am afraid of what my family would find if I did have a heart attack, and with my blood pressure where it is that is a real fear. There is also the feeling that I've wasted and am wasting the opportunities afforded me. Human beings are the result of millions of yea
my meds help with depression but seem to have given me high blood pressure and insomnia. Plus I've gained 10 lbs despite working my ass off in the gym. Not that I've been too careful with what I eat but honestly you try not eating half a box of cheeze-its when you've got the munchies from AAP induced high prolactin. Average weight gain is 30 lbs over six months so actually my work in the gym probably paid off. Anyway I think I'm ready to be done with this med nonsense. I was better off when I w
