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Blog Ralph

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Entries in this blog

Random act of kindness

There are good people in the world despite what my past experience wants to tell me. Yesterday I dropped my prescription in the parking lot and didn't know I lost it until I got home. I was tearing up the place trying to find it. Then I get a call from the pharmacy saying it had been found and I could return to pick it up again. Phew. That employee could have decided to sell it on the street (no abuse potential, but dumb kids will buy anything pharmaceutical these days) or just leave it lying a

Ralph

Ralph

New year reflection

So it's 2012. I think I've been taking my career too seriously due to anxiety. That plus bad economic news makes me think I'm hanging by a thread and just one bad decision away from homelessness. This causes me to freak out over every day hardships, random bills that come in higher than expected. More money, more problems; no money, more problems still. To paraphrase The Shins - a patient me would never give it more than a frowning hour, but loss has conquered me. Loss of job in 2008 that I neve

Ralph

Ralph

Anxiety but still progress

Seems most of my symptoms have gone physical. I can use the CBT stuff I am learning to avoid panicking mentally right now, but I still will experience rapid heart rate, dizziness, sweating and the rest. Also overreacting to outside stuff, getting scared by loud noises that are part of everyday city life. Learning that relaxation is an art. I have to take some time to proactively relax instead of reacting to anxiety and trying to cope all the time. Went for a bike ride today and found myself nea

Ralph

Ralph

moving into positive territory

Meds seem to be working, also therapy and meditation and exercise and coping strategies... jebus this is a full time job just keeping my act together, but it has its rewards. Maybe that's normal and I simply have unrealistic expectations. Well, being crazy and all I don't suppose that's terribly improbable. The neat thing is I cooked today. Cooking is a hobby of mine and usually the first thing to go when that loss of interest symptom starts kicking in. When I can make it from start to finish p

Ralph

Ralph

this doesn't make any sense

When I'm depressed I fantasize about dying. Then I get a panic attack and I genuinely think I'm dying. I'd expect myself to feel relieved but quite the opposite happened. Why? Possibly panic was the only way my subconscious could force me to reach out to another person (namely through the crisis hotline) and reconsider the seriousness of my plans. Possibly I don't want to die; I just want to stop being alive. I want it to stop hurting and if I feel and remember nothing, then it wouldn't hurt an

Ralph

Ralph

Situation neutral

Finally feel a little relief. Maybe meds are working again after upping the dose on Abilify. Mostly I have been too busy to be depressed. Possible to become workaholic this way but I have no family depending on me anyhow. Still having thoughts of suicide often but at least I have energy to move and interest in doing things. This is a big change from the past few days where my main hobby has been random internet surfing just to keep me distracted enough to make it to bed time without taking an ov

Ralph

Ralph

I don't know

It hurts and I don't know why. I have a guess, but every time I think I've found a solution or had a valuable insight, I feel I've made progress for a little while, and then the demons are back. Things have been going good in my life but I still feel like I've done something terrible or something terrible is about to happen. Maybe the consequence of something I've done that I forgot about. It's pure unmitigated anxiety - the kind that makes you sick before you are about to do something that is

Ralph

Ralph

I am not myself

We generally define ourselves around the boundaries of our skins. What's inside that skin is "me" what's outside is "not me" But what if one feels alienated from both what is inside and what is outside? Is my body the cause of my pain or the repository? I just want it to stop hurting. That makes me an addict? Fuck you I've been given drugs after surgical procedures that cause way less pain than my emotional condition. Yet because I'm not bleeding my pain isn't valid. And you wonder why people

Ralph

Ralph

So...

Looks like there was some drama while I was away. I too am surprised but refuse to take myself or teh interwebz seriously enough to demand honesty from anyone here, especially when a user name suggests they may be exploring an online alter ego. I guess mainly what I'm concerned about is people not taking responsibility for their own reactions. It takes two to tango, but it also takes two to tangle.

Ralph

Ralph

Wooden

so going down on the wellbutrin made me more than a little foggy in the head & I went back up. Exercised some, ate a lot thanks to the Symbyax making me hungrier than a pregnant giraffe and meditated. Still haven't gotten around to calling the counselor I was referred to by the priest. Haven't been practicing, no motivation. Not that I'm waiting to be motivated, but really just getting out the door in the morning is an accomplishment and I think I need to conserve my oomph for getting shit d

Ralph

Ralph

waves

Cravings coming in waves. Crescendo... Decrescendo. Felt like drinking today but didn't. My thought process was that I have support now in sobriety. People who celebrate progress. That's the kind of accountability that works. People who try and use accountability as a negative consequence of drinking only motivate me to not get caught, i.e., lie about my use. In SMART recovery most of the talk is about successes we've had. In AA it was all about the crazy stuff people did while drinking. I gues

Ralph

Ralph

Little fluffy clouds

Just jotting a note that I've had 3 panic attacks in the past 2 days. Trigger seems to be trying to work against my procrastination. I've put off certain tasks for so long that I'm somehow scared to approach them. Too much momentum is behind my avoidance and I have to drag myself kicking & screaming to get these items done. Generally get through it by deep breathing. Haven't taken any "as needed" meds (xanax or Klonopin). However I am taking my symbyax earlier and just hoping I can sleep a

Ralph

Ralph

back to baseline

Feel normal today. Eh, what's normal anyway. Have been more active in using lists to get things done. I get a feeling of accomplishment from this which boosts me up a bit. Also got a workout in after missing a few and noticed the difference immediately. I guess if I don't exercise for the physical reason I still need to get active for the emotional benefits. Meds seem to be working although I do feel a little zombified. Giving it 4-5 weeks to see if the prozac is going to help. Have had craving

Ralph

Ralph

hell is for children

why can't I just grow up? Impulses to suicide growing lately. And I was trying so hard to take care of myself properly this time. Must have been too much sugar. Yep I'm off my rocker because of halloween candy. I know that I need to get out of my head but it's past the point of doing anything right now. Not like there's any danger, just something for me to notice. I'm used to resisting this tension, intermittently feeling the impulse and pushing it away. I wish I could describe the back and fort

Ralph

Ralph

wiggle room

I've been needing to remember to give myself that lately. Too much black and white thinking - perfection or unmitigated failure. Starting to think I need to be transitioning off of meds and use things like deep breathing, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. to manage my oversized moods. Meds usually will work for a while and then stop working. Except wellbutrin but according my pdoc, that is the genesis for my panic attacks. Makes sense in that norepinephrine is stimulated by adrenaline but then

Ralph

Ralph

Can I play with madness

Warning rude words and a potentially disturbing graphic at the end. Felt pretty much fine today until hitting a wall around 8PM. Not good to be oscillating between normal and ohmygodican'ttakethisiwannadienownownownow Shit. well, it was nice to have a break anyway. Besides prolly be back in shape right as rain tomorrow. The thing is, I really want to live, I think. It just hurts. So I don't really want to die just want the hurt to stop. Is it even worth it? I have to ask that a lot lately. Hec

Ralph

Ralph

working

Today was really strange. Took symbyax earlier in the evening on Thurs hoping to have hangover end earlier tomorrow. Think I achieved opposite effect. Only had 6 hrs of sleep/night since Monday. I went to bed early last night hoping to catch up but I woke up earlier and couldn't get back to bed before it was time to get ready for work. Work is going good and holds some promise for the future. I have been meditating more regularly and that plus not drinking has raised my IQ a bit in that it's ea

Ralph

Ralph

float on

Today felt great. Think the med is working now. Whatever it is my brain is working for a change. I can connect thoughts and be creative. First time in a few weeks. Meds don't do much for anxiety, and I am fairly irritable despite being in a good mood, that is, I am happy but minor annoyances get disproportionate attention. Still have to manage that with CBT tools however relief from depression allows me to step back and work with my anxiety instead of giving in right away. Anyway I'm happy just

Ralph

Ralph

Realistic management

Learning that "I don't have time to..." really means "I'm going to procrastinate..." and I'll get more done if I let my self made emergency wait while I do something like plan or take care of my physical body. Practiced bass today thanks to suggestion from Athena. Got through a few measures, enough to do one lick with a few variations and fills. Also trying to cultivate an attitude of respecting people who have been successful, even if I disagree with their work. They've achieved something I h

Ralph

Ralph

Situation Normal

So far mood has gotten a little better. Not bouncing from end to end as quickly but still a couple rough spots where it feels like the whole world has gone dark. Appetite is low until I take meds, then become a human vacuum machine. Sleep is nice too. My libido still is a shadow of its former self but still trying to figure out if that is worth the price of relief. The main risk is staying sober will become harder without certain other... outlets shall we say. Plus AAPs don't just make me crave

Ralph

Ralph

Roller coaster

Pdoc moved me to Symbyax after not good results with cymbalta. Life is beautiful... and I want to die. :confused: Not to worry, I don't take these thoughts seriously. Still it would be nice to figure out how to stop doing this to myself. Pros - not as suicidal, derealization/dissociation have gone away, no more crying. Got half my sex drive back from what was killed by Cymbalta. Major improvement is that motivation increased in that I find it easier to follow through on plans and can leave the

Ralph

Ralph

Floating

I don't feel stable but I'm still able to step back and assess. Something very strange is happening. It's like a switch flipped and I don't have the energy or the motivation to continue. I know I will continue out of sheer stubbornness or laziness, I'm not sure which. What I used to call reality doesn't feel real anymore, but the part that feels real is also very strange. I'm floating away into an internal world and I'm not sure what my body will do in meatspace during my little vacation inside

Ralph

Ralph

Recognizing my triggers

The following is a huge vent. Don't take it seriously. Today I learned that doing something good for myself stirs up my demons. Saw pdoc today and every impulse is pushing me to sabotage my own efforts. Related to growing up and being trained not to talk to social workers, teachers, or anyone outside the family about what was going on. Still have that conditioning to keep secrets so talking about my issues honestly brings out the fear of punishment, and the fear of being found out and thrown in

Ralph

Ralph

test of faith

Intense cravings struck today from out of the blue. Was told to expect this although I didn't think I'd face it so soon. Also had some problems with anxiety making it very difficult not to cave in. Used my tools though, remembered why I am doing this and what are the long term consequences of either option. Challenged myself do I really need a drink? What will happen if I don't? I'll be uncomfortable for a while, might even face a panic attack. Oh well. I can handle it. But that discomfort morp

Ralph

Ralph

Cymbalta note 2

Continuing to take in daytime. Feel a period of massive fatigue for about an hour and then normal again. Definitely feel more level. Maybe a bit overstimulated which might mean wellbutrin can come down. Sex drive is severely diminished though. Was too high anyway. Hoping it doesn't go all the way away though. Clearly my creativity is down too. Not sure if that's a depression thing or a cymbalta thing.

Ralph

Ralph

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