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About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

A Way To Joy

Joy always seems so far away To me. My doubts pervade every Way I try. My prophecies work Backwards from the outcome. I need A different way of thinking. What a backwards way to joy. Not sure whether it's poetry or prose. Just a thought that came to me.
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Vulture

{A prose poem about a trip I took in the Fall of '09.} I got out of the car after driving for a couple of hours. I changed my shoes for hiking boots, strapped on a fanny pack, and started walking. The trail climbed steeply. It was wide and deeply eroded despite the switchbacks. I stopped often to rest, not being in as good shape as I once was. I passed a family on foot, and was passed by a group on horseback. When I reached the summit, I had to wait next to the shelter for a while, until th
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Weather and Fatigue

I know I skipped another day here. This is turning into a blog to apologize for when that happens ... Anyway, Wednesday night was what they call a "trip". A ten-hour trip from my work to home. I left at 6, clearly a mistake. It had been snowing for an hour. But we moved fairly well for the first hour of the trip, slowly but with no incidents. Then we stopped. Seven hours later I had traveled less than three miles further. The snow fell fast and wet, and apparently, several trees fell over
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Day Off

Hello, bloggy. It was kinda weird. Yesterday morning early, my Dad called me and asked me to visit him that evening. I suggested 7 pm, and he said, no, it would be better if I could come earlier, say at 6. So I agreed. He didn't say what he needed, but I knew he had a cold. It was also icy yesterday morning, and there were other divorce-related things I could do, so I ended up deciding to take the day off sick. Then, around 11, Dad called to say he was going to the hospital! I mean, I knew
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Is Everybody Okay?

Just thought I'd send out a general shout to all those from whom I haven't heard, lately (and you all know who you are; it's on your name tags) ... I hope that if things are going badly, you'll check in with your friends here. I have e-mail; I have PM; I have blog. Pick your anonymity level. But let us know ...
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Dyscomfort?

Yah, I'd just like to ask what the spelling rule is on dis- versus dys- ... I'm currently going on the assumption that only cool people like doctors and psychiatrists use dys-, so ... ;-) What's funny (because I recognize that that wasn't) is that, despite me feeling a lot better than, say, two years ago, there's a part of me that seems ... dyssatisfied. One place I notice it is in my dreams. I don't remember my dreams, normally, so just remembering a little is a change. And what I remember
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The Short Story

Here's a piece of fiction that wanted me to tell it, this morning. So, okay, it's afternoon; it took a little time to find the words. Anyway, here it goes ... It says a little about where I am in my avoidance ... _______________________________________ The Short Story He could not remember moving in to his monastic little apartment. He ate and slept there, went out to work and came back again. He had a big stack of loose-leaf paper, and each day he would write the day's events on a shee
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I'm a Perfect Square!

Well, I'm a perfect square today, seven times seven to be exact. It makes me want to write an autobiography of sevens: 0-7) The first seven years were occupied mostly with being little. We moved into the house that I ended up growing up in, when I was four. I flew in my first airplane at six, traveling to England and Scotland to meet relatives for the first time. 8-14) So much happens to a person in these years! At eight, we moved to Africa for two years, where I had to learn French just to
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Dos

I passed my two-year anniversary without realizing! It's kind of interesting, being two. For one thing, now I have permission to be terrible! :-) Life has come a long way, in that time. When I came here, I was fantasizing suicide, searching the internet for something to help me. Having searched repeatedly under "mental health", I changed it pretty much by accident to "mental help", and here we are. My wife removed me from the house the following February, and after a scramble, I set up a lif
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Open Mind

I've been having a difficult time, for a while now, and it came to a head only a few minutes ago. I briefly considered packing it in and leaving the site, in fact. Even if I left, I wouldn't have closed with a blog entry saying that no one ever gets better here; I know different. Heck, I'm a living example. But I was a bit discouraged. And, rather than make vague allusions and have everyone thinking it's them and feeling guilty and just generally not using my words to help them, I decided fu
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Visit

Well, I got myself out on Sunday to visit the spot where we left my mother's ashes. It was another nice day, and with the leaves turning, it's definitely a beautiful spot. It's a place we had visited as kids (there's a picture of Mom on the bench flanked by me and my brother.) It's a place my parents visited pretty often after my brother and I had moved out, as well. I think I can understand why. I think (at least, I hope) it was a place that helped her feel at peace with the world, with life
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Random week-ending bloggage

{Yes, that's my title. Gotta problem with that?} ;-) I'm rather less ornery than just plain crabby ... There's nothing huge wrong. Car got fixed, warranty paid over half, not really feeling bad ... I think it's partly my sense of humor, coming out more directly, and partly a feeling that being less direct hasn't really served me. It's funny: in certain situations, like in the store, I'm actually enjoying my encounters with other people, at least one on one. It's still a pain to navigate a
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So, where was I?

So, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm right where I left me ... :-) So, I had another cycle of the monthly "OMG, I don't have enough for the bills, ask my Dad for money, get it into the banks, begin spending it", just recently. It was much like the others, full of procrastination and bad feelings. I know better, and I know I know better, but I still feel it. Time to start doing something different. Car's been acting funny, too. One of the cylinders seems to be lazy, and not bothering to fire. Unde
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A Post!

Well, yes, it's time again for a word from our sponsor ... me! I've had a bump this past week; nothing major, but a reminder that there is stuff at stake, that I stand to lose by standing still, even more than by picking a direction and moving. It hit me hard enough to have me doubting whether my time on the site was well spent. I even spent a few hours "invisible", which I never do. I think, in part, it comes down to faith, that nebulous friend of hope. I believe in something more important
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Interesting Anger

Well, last night was my therapy session, after a month off (one skipped every-other-week session, for her vacation.) A lot has happened in that month, including a Labor Day trip, my move right after that, getting poison ivy (I still itch; it's like low-grade torture). Because of how well the move went, and how well I was able to do the planning and execution when all the steps were under my control, she suggested that I try to maintain that momentum somehow. We talked about ways, and I sugge
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Late Night Poetry ... from the mind of malign

A Wedding Picture The homemade prints my brother made, Which somehow never seem to fade, Remind me of the game I played And the price in pain which I paid. Pictures I wish I could deny, Though I don't even dare to try, Of the day that I chose to die And left my life to live a lie. What to this day seems strange to me Is how we fought so hard to see That the other one would not be free To exist alone or just to be. Many times we could just have ended, But our rifts instead we mended, Two blind so
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My Mother's Last Trip

Well, one of my late mother's requests was that she be cremated, and her ashes spread in a state park in the mountains that she was fond of visiting. Perhaps understandably, it has taken my dad a while to come to grips with the idea. But, on Sunday, we're all going to drive up there, and return her to Nature. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I haven't really handled it before, you see. Although I got to see her the morning of the day she died, I wasn't there at the time, and I wasn't
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Crawling

Well, the mortgage and line of credit on the house are due, and I don't have enough to cover both. So, when my wife e-mailed to check whether there was a problem, I wrote back asking her to pay the smaller amount. It annoys me; I feel like I should be able to fix it by myself (I would still need my dad's help); I feel like I'll regret it because I believe she'll use it as leverage over me; I feel bad about waiting to solve it; I feel bad about asking her to cover for me, as she often did du
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The Fairy Godfather On the Road: The Way of the Panda

The Fairy Godfather On The Road The Way of the Panda Having closed up his cozy little cabin (he just pointed his wand at it, really, to remind the doors to stay closed; who would try to break in to a house in the Enchanted Forest, and more importantly, how would they get out alive?), the Fairy Godfather picked a direction at random, clicked his ruby heels together, and soared off over the trees. He flew aimlessly for a while, changing direction slightly from time to time. He didn’t much fear
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I'm Baaaack!

Well, so often I shoot the wad in the title ... My trip went very well, except for that odd thing that being on vacation does to time. Suddenly I was flying home (quite late) on Monday night. Tuesday, I did all the dozens of things that one has to do to move from one apartment to another. My conclusion is that I am now officially too old to be moving myself, solo. Not that that will stop me, next time, necessarily. It just needed to be said. :-) So, well, to those who missed me, I'm back. T
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There's a reason it's called Labor Day ...

Well, it's time once again for me to tell you all about an upcoming absence of mine ... I will try to look in as often as I can, but I can't promise. I'll be out of town until Tuesday, and then I move. I'll be back at work Wednesday, but as you might imagine, I'll be exhausted. I hope it'll be a good kind of tired. Too, I had hoped to have the next installment of Fairy Godfather for you all, but that didn't work out. I'm nearly done, but that's not the same as done. Ah well, just barely suf
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Checking In

Well, I've been busy. First, with work. I worked Sunday, or rather, tried to work; I spent much of the day here. But the work was urgent enough for me to try. So I stayed away from here all day Monday, and got quite a bit done. I came on in the middle of the day today, but I got stuff done before and after I came. It's getting there; another day or so and the rush will be past. It does leave a question about why I only have to try a couple of days a year ... Second, with moving. The apa
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Other Meaningless Numbers

Hah, another meaningless number: it's Friday the 13th. :-) I've never been superstitious, but it's starting to amuse me, how little attention I pay, on the inside, to measurements of any kind, any more. My young self was nearly obsessed with measurement. I constantly checked measures of progress when I was dieting, for instance. I needed to. If I didn't see progress, couldn't measure my gains, I had no belief that the progress had happened. If my grades fell, I was frightened, or in those
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What's in a milestone?

Yeah, it's funny: even though I broke 2,000 posts today, I don't feel the same as when I broke 1,000. Yes, the miles still matter more than the milestones, but more so: I wasn't sure I'd even talk about it. I mean, this isn't the "score" that matters, is it? And no, I don't mean to look at reputation, instead; that's basically linked pretty closely to how often one posts. It's the feeling of being close to the heart of this place, its tides and storms and rainbows and sunsets. That's how I
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Break

Well, it's time once again for one of my approximately monthly R&R breaks(rest and recuperation, for those who were never posted to the tropics by the World Bank). Just for information, it's completely unrelated to any events, or lack of events, on the site. I'll be off Monday and Tuesday, though I might come and chat, while I'm off. See you all when I get back.
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