i am very tired tonight... i think all the late nights have caught up with me. i don't really want to be home. it takes all my energy. work takes all my energy too. hmmm. i made my art choices this morning, i chose painting, print and graphics. i'm not so sure if graphics was the best idea. then i went to collect all my work that got assessed and when i walked into the room and seen it on the wall i felt so ashamed. it looked like crap beside everyone elses. i shouldn't be in that college. no w
i went into college to try get more painting done but i barely got anything done because i felt dizzy and headachy and fluey:( this sucks. i wanted to do well this week because painting is all i want to do:( now i won't have enough work to hand up and i'll be the worst in the class as usual. i really do feel horribly sick though. i even tried going to the college dr but he wasn't there. hmmmm.
[i kinda broke my new years resolution to not drink any more diet coke..]So....that will be my new resolution!!!! no more whining no more complaining no more being negative no more being sad no more being angry no more talking about ykw. i'll be happy happy happy!!!!!
i can't stop crying. i keep thinking about everything that has happened over the past year. lots of good stuff has happened but it all ended. whenever something good happens it always has to end. i can't even write what i'm trying to say right now. i hope this year is different but really i know it won't because nothing can be fixed. this is how i'll always feel. i'm just tired of it. this time last year i was sitting on the floor crying as i wrote my first post and now i'm sitting on the floor
everything was supposed to start to get better this year but it hasn't. now this year's nearly over and everything is so much worse than it was. i didn't think it was possible for things to get worse but obviously i was wrong. i hate my life. i know i say it over and over and over but it's true. i hate everything about it. i hate how my family make me feel and i hate the person i've become. they hate me too. everyone hates me. everything's so confusing. i spent most of today on my own. noone wou
i hurt my back in work today. now i have a headache. and everything's still the same. but who cares anyway. it's only me. tomorrow will be the exact same. i have to work 1-9 again. i wish ii could bang my stupid head off something real hard until it goes numb and everything will go away and leave me alone. i just want to forget. i keep getting chest pains too. stupid me:(
i don't even know what to write about right now.. i'm tired of complaining about how crappy my life is...i should just learn to accept that things are the way they are and get on with my life. there are lots of people worse off than me so i really shouldn't whine about how bad my life is because it could be a lot worse. maybe i'll try be more positive from now on. that might help! i think i just need to get into the right frame of mind and then everything will be ok. i need to figure out how to
i dunno why but i'm afraid to write what i need to write.. or maybe i'm not afraid and i just can't? i dunno everything is so mixed up inside me. i feel stupid writing about it anyway because it's not that important.
i LOVE diet coke:) it's my most favouritest drink in the whole wide world because it makes me happy:D it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, [kinda like alcohol but in a different sorta way] i think it makes me kinda high aswel:) it also makes me not hungry and it fills me up and it's low fat and it helllllllps me survvvive!!! i found this poem on the internet: An Ode To Diet Coke Oh, caffeinated Diet Coke, I give these great praises to thee! When I can stay up Though I'm tired enough To find h
when i was little i wasn't allowed to cry because it was bad. even if ykw was after hitting me or saying mean things to me it was still wrong to cry. if i did cry she would call me more names and make me feel worse and that would make me cry even more and she would get even madder at me and send me to my room. because i was bad. she always pretends to be nice to me in front of other people and i have to pretend to be happy so that noone will think bad things about us. we need to make everyone th
i'm not sure why everything is so confusing. everything's mixed up inside me and it doesn't make sense and i know i keep saying the same thing over and over and over but i don't know what to do because nothing's getting better. no matter where i go or what i do i feel sad. even when i do feel a little happy it somehow turns into sad. i'm never completely happy. everywhere i go i feel so out of place and i have nowhere to go. noone wants me and it hurts. noone gets me:mad: i think i've realised s
i'm scared. i can't get rid of this feeling. i don't want to feel anymore. i want to die. i don't know what to do. why won't i just disappear? it won't work:mad: i'm so scared. i don't want to be on my own but i have to.
i'm out of energy i think. i had lots of energy earlier. i think it's because i've started taking vitamins. i feel really frustrated right now. i want to give up. i'm tired and i don't really want to try anymore. maybe i'm just being lazy. i dunno. i am not a good person. i know that. and i'm sorry for that. i don't mean to make anyone feel bad. i don't mean to be so annoying all the time. i know i spend way too much time here complaining in my blog and i'm sorry because i don't mean to be so at
today started out bad. i felt really really sad but then i went to therapy and it made me feel better. the therapy lady spoke more today instead of staring at me and saying nothing like the last time. i think i'm glad i started therapy. my next appointment is monday. i'm a little sad now but that's only because i'm sooooooooo tired. i wish i didn't have to go home tomorrow.
i don't know what to do anymore:( i hate college. HATE it. whenever i sit down in college and try to work i just can't. i don't want to be there. i can't stick it! i'm not even good at art anymore. i clearly shouldn't be there. but there's nothing i can do about it because i have no choice. i hate my life. i have no control over it. i don't want to be alive anymore. it's never going to get better so what's the point? and nothing i do will ever be good enough because i'm stupid. everything's stu
i wonder would i have turned out like this if i had a different mother? or would i still be the same? maybe it's not her fault. maybe it's my own fault that i'm a screw up? i wonder what i could've done differently? when i was small i thought the way she acted around me was normal and i accepted all the horrible things she told me about myself. and she used to hit me really hard sometimes but daddy made her stop . i thought that was the way all mothers acted around their children? but then i
