A few years ago, I left my long time partner. For the best part of the last 3 years, my life has been getting a little better, day after day, but still, my very very small apartment was filled with all those things that I didn't want to deal with because, well, because I guess it hurt to much. These things represented my past life with him and how I got influenced, partially by him to keep, keep, keep. Slowly, I have been decluttering. And it made me anxious for a long time and I just couldn't b
Hi folks hope all is well, Just noting once again a great thing that one of my good friend told me today: "what you are doing is you are preparing to be your 'best' for when you do meet the one, meaning, train, work mentally, and physically to be that exact person you hope to find, be that person yourself."
Unconditional Love No one is entitled to my unconditional love, not even my life partner, with the exception of my children first, and then my close family (Siblings, Mother, and Father). This means that I accept that these bonds are eternal regardless of the harm that as been done to my person from their actions. I accept my responsibility as a member of a family and: Contact them on a regular basis (at least once a month) and express my love often through visits, phone calls, and letters and t
SPIRIT My Vision for my own Self is to live a rich, rewarding, satisfying life. This demands the rigorous practice of the ultimate virtue of Selfishness which consists of these component virtues: 1. Self-Acceptance: I plant my feet firmly on the ground where I am while accepting that I have new places I desire to go. 2. Self-Assertiveness: I honor myself and my values in thought, word and deed. I exercise authority only over myself and expect others to do the same. 3. Self-Responsibility: Only
I am now pretty 'mature' of age. There's a fear and melancholy in me about it. It is because of what is around me. People ten years my juniors. Everywhere. In positions much more prominent at work, telling me what to do... In budding relationships with hopes and dreams, in houses, with nice cars, and nice appliances. Nice bodies and skin and hair. I am not that bad myself, but I feel some sort of dull pressure to 'get there' and 'getting there', it seems, I have little control over. I try to ke
"This includes staying with someone who gives little or not love or affection and never promises any kind of real commitment." Well that didn't happen to me this time. I am glad for it, even if I am alone. It is strange though. I know that if I would have been drawn in by more 'attributes' that I like, I would have stayed. Maybe. I just need to keep that in mind. Change is extremely difficult to achieve, but I still refuse to believe that someone cannot change. Right now I feel that my hopes
Well, here I am again. Long time. I know. There is no excuse, except the fact that I needed to be out in the world. Yet another 'boyfriend' that didn't work out, and quickly here, another new year. I am doing well, all in all. Lots has happen in the past months, new jobs, a stint as a woman in a relationship, A MRI that turned out just fine. But I am still battling some old demons. Loneliness for one. Being away from my family at Christmas is hard. Yet, I don't want to be there either in a wa
Recently someone said something that stuck with me like a mantra. In my world, and maybe yours too, where a lot of the times self-consciousness has prevented me from either responding quickly to a situation, or going for a goal I know would have made me happy to have accomplished, the practice of "taking myself out of the equation" would have come in handy. I struggle a lot with this because I am not entirely convinced that my true self is a safe thing to show the world. There's several factor t
hi folks I am writing a lil update on the life within. Well, on the outside, life has been pretty good to me recently. I have been working. 2 part time jobs where it's been happy. just enough challanges to keep me happy and learning and content. I haven't done too many f^ ups that I feel good about what I have accomplished. I have been offered new jobs where I have been able to say "well, here is where I am at... if it works for you" and people have been responding well. You know, in all these
Hmm, HI people. I know I have been away for long. Been working lots. I feel it's a good thing as my mood is mostly good these days. sometimes I think about this blog and I don't know what to add. it's been pretty good lately. Not much to report. and not much time. on the 'luv' front, still seeing the new guy. He's still good so far. No word or sign of life from Y in two months. Just hearing about him from friends from time to time. C has a new girlfriend, I've heard... I think they are good to
my mom misses me she says. She just revealed that she has way better communication with me than my bro... She says she's lonely because of it and feel shut out of my brother's family. And that I am the only one keeping constant contact with her and telling her I love her. Who knew. I am the bad kid yet the good kid. Ah! Well I do some things right. I get news from times to times of Y. From my girlfriends who go to his garage. They don't know if he has a girlfriend again... But he seems jolly a
well it was procrastination on the account that I have other work to do urgently and find ways to not do it, but at any rate. I clean my very dirty place and feel somewhat good about it. So better than nothing done.
Well, Y is over me. I am not over him. I know why. It has nothing to do with him really. Being with him was a way to feel safe. Like I had accomplished something. My desire to be with a partner. Of course I liked him, but there's more to this than that. It was a way to look forward to something that I found exciting. Something that responded to one of my deepest needs. Now what. Yah, back to alone. But not entirely by myself. Finally, my tactics, although the improvements are minimal, have work
Some little updates. First, I didn't talk to my friend's boss yet. don't know what to say and I am a bit scared. I haven't seen Y in 3 weeks now. I'm doing ok about it but still wish I could see him. We all know why. Needy, needy. I went for a bike ride with one of my good friends the other day. And then hung out with her for a little bit at her place. For some reason we got onto the subject of our childhood. She told me she got beaten up to when she was a kid, and that her little sister, who
So Here I am. Nothing pleases me again. I try to take myself out of this rut, but don't try hard enough. I am ansy. Don't know what to do for work. I sort of push people away by being needy. I don't have energy. Today and yesterday, I tried a list of gratefulness and shutting down any thoughts of negativity towards myself. But I still feel so lonely. I want to talk and talk to someone. But who. And when I am with someone, I want to leave again. Yesterday, I talked to my mom and she was helpful
So, to respond to you finding, I am ok, all in all. I am still sad. I still want Y. Even if he rejected me just like that. Which means he's not right for me. I hope it goes away soon this feeling of wanting what I can have. It's surely not healthy. I still feel like I f* it up for being too needy and not self-confident. And I saw him last saturday, and he ignored me. I felt angry and I grabbed his arm and said hey, hi!!!! He was drunk and said it wasn't the best time to talk. he was trying to
Well, after all my reflection and obsession over this and trying to see were I went wrong, I just come to the simple cliche conclusion that you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. My omelette is now done. I may eat it alone for now but it's better than walking on eggshells. I asked. got an answer. It may not be what I wanted but it was apparent all along that it would come to this. better now then later. He was right in a way. He can't give me what I want, even if it might be so easy cu
Hi folks... Hope you bloggies are well, my good friends and explorers of the mind... Well, I just want to bounce ideas with you about this letter I am thinking of writing to Y. I probably will not send it, but just so to get your opinion as to 'am I off the tracks?", thinking right? too much? anyway, let me know what you think... here goes: well, I got your email. Y, I did receive your email. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. For the sake of clarity I will now. More bizarre things have happened... I
Yannick, Tse, j't'aime bien pis en ce moment peut-etre que c'est moi qui veut aller trop vite mais Ya plein de choses qui me chicotte quan d je rentre a la maison apres qu'on s'est vu. La premiere c'est pourquoi on a pas plus de sex? Moi j'aurais le gout d'avoir beaucoup de sex en ce moment. J'ai vraiment de la misere a me dire que ca va aller en augmentant. J'aimerais faire l'amour avec toi deux trois fois par jour. Je sais pas si je vais me bruler ou quoi mais c'est comme ca. La deuxieme cho
hmmmm. and re-hmmmm. Is he interested, not interested? Well, maybe we'll never know. Today, we were supposed to go to the lake but he just called to cancel. Well, I suppose he has a good reason, but he was all cold at the end of the line. There was an evacuation notice on his door this morning. And so, he's on the stand by until who knows he said, to make sure he can get his stuff out of the house if push comes to shove. Fair enough. Maybe I am insensitive but I would truly prefer if he would h
no hang ups: I want a guy who has no hang ups that are triggering me: meaning, not thinking that religion is all bad...like Y. Or that he hates jealous girls... that he needs 'space', or that he is unable to sleep with someone... or that he doesn't 'believe' in marriage. or that he can't have children ever...If he doesn't want to have children... maybe, but if the hang up is very full on and there's absolutely no way. then it's kind of fucked. I mean, this is a reality of life, that, one mig
oh dear. Now I am on to the 'so bored and lonely' title. Yeah. that pretty much describes it. I don't know what to do with myself. It's beautiful outside but I am truly, bored. By myself. I called a friend but no answer. The idea of touching my pottery is just leaving me 'meh'. I just want to be with people or something. Slept the day away. Another bout of i don't know what.
what's good about y his caresses talking to him his kisses meeting some of his friends bad about y not enough sex not enough holding at night not knowing leaving me hanging not much same interest not meeting his main friends being in the closet a bit
As I wrote and re-wrote all my lil life experiences and choices, there was a few things that became apparent. 1. when I was a kid. At a very young age, I remember realizing that I was angry at my dad. That I disrespected him, loathed him and saw him as a weak, pathetic 'self-proclaimed victim' who was in fact the aggressor. So very early on, I said to myself 'I have a reason to be angry, it is justified'. At that time, it was one of the solutions in order for me not to feel like I was going cra
