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7 critical choices...

Now I am on to the 7 critical choices I made in my life. 1. Making the choice to start Design. 2. Why did you make it? [what needs survival, security, self-esteem, love, self-expression, intellectual fulfillment, spiritual fulfillment] I was tired of not doing anything in my life that was not in line with my talent. I felt like I had nothing to lose as I was already only making about 12$ /h. A large part of this choice was a need to be respected by others as an adult. 3. What alternatives did

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though love

OMG. I don't know. Y's points are going way down now. He called me today saying he wanted to get together tonight. He called me again at 7pm saying he was trying to get organized, but he had to give a lift back from his beautiful boat ride I didn't get to go on, to 'someone'. Now, I got a text saying 'fell asleep on the couch. Better get other plans.' Dang right! And I am not f* calling you again mofo till you get you stuff straight. I am so mad and sad. I want to go out alone now in spite. it's

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Lonely

Ok, it's Saturday and. I have no plans. I can't see my 4 friends that I usually see. M-ski is in Calgary. A is in Oregon. Mark is in Vegas, and R, well she's at home but with her stupid boyfriend. And the guy I am seeing didn't make any allusions what so ever to getting with me this weekend. I am a bit sad. I don't really want to call him up: "hey, hello, I am lonely and needy right now, can I see you, because I have nothing going on in my life." Yesterday, I went to this house/pool party with

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10 moments. making sense of it all.

1. Sex with Charles 14. I thought I had no choice bu to do this in order to feel as a cool, worthy teenage girl. Because I felt nerdy and not sexy. 1.2. Identify the before and after in your self concept. Which aspect of your self concept was impacted [self confidence, sense of peace, hopes, ambition, joy, love] Before: I felt like an innocent pre-teen girl who had no clue and was nerdy After: I felt like I had lost my innocence. That it didn't really up my self esteem, I realized that I had mad

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10 moments. Thinking I had AIds

When I was 21 [i Think], I had unprotected sex with two guys, already. Suddenly, the possibility that I could have AIDS entered my mind and made me extremely sick. I thought about it every night. I had somehow decided that I truly had aids. I couldn't sleep at night and imagine what I would have to do once I had the result and would have to tell people. I imagine losing everyone around me and slowly dying. Becoming extremely sick... I imagined my mom being all sad and disappointed in me. I imag

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wow. it doesn't take much

I am happy now, most of the time. But jeez, sometimes Y's 'jokes' aren't funny. I am seeing my guy tonight... I don't no why I a so on edge. I think I must be getting my periods soon [sorry for the imagery guys]. I have pimple too [ya, still do at my age *sigh*]...clear indication... Anyway, He texted me saying "can't go see Bruno" [ya, we're going to see this stupid movie. Hey, I like my stupid movies. And I do laugh like an idiot to at them. It is what it is...]. So instantly, I say instantly

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10 moments. Mom getting separated. part 2

1. Where are you at this moment in the kitchen 2. How old are you and what do you look like? 16. I look angry. like a bad kid. I was going to say like Jesse James, but I guess that's not funny. 3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you? Mom, bro, and I. I suppose, in a real, somewhat more healthy family, my dad would have been there too. 4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant? It was like the mark of a new era. I thought it was the end of grief. 5. What emot

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10 moments. Mom getting separated. part 1

In this effort to finish this homework for my T.... People, don't read this if you are sensitive about expressing anger towards parents. I am expressing a lot of anger here, so caution. I don't mean to harm anyone. --- When I was 16, my mom announced to my brother and I that she was getting separated from dad. She was crying and all. She said she found a lil 3 bedroom apartment and arrangement would be made for us to move there, well if we wanted to, she said. My bro and I were sitting at the ki

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10 moments. Gettin fired from the video store

When I was 17, I never had a job before. I felt really really bad about this. All my friends already had summer jobs since they were 12 [like paper delivery] and I felt like a baby. Not that I didn't work... I mean, my dad had put us to work since I was 7 or something. And I was always working, doing homework, didn't have much of a social life, didn't have money. I wanted to get untangled from dad. He was like 'why you need a job for? I have plenty of things to do right here! And you're all take

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10 moments. A trip by myself.

When I was 18, I decided to go tree planting to BC for a summer. I wanted to do this by myself. My parents always refused to let me do anything significant by myself before that... Or, I refused, was scared...who knows. My mom always said, well when you'll be 18, you can cus you'll be an adult. Let me tell you it didn't fall into the ear of the deaf [french expression i guess here]. Mark the date in my mental calendar. So, I plan everything, and went. In a way, it was a reconnaissance trip... I

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10 moments. Moving and never coming back

When I was 23, I had just finished uni... I felt empty, like I didn't have a future in my field or in anything really. I was bored with it. Even if I did great. And the dean was urging me to do my masters... I felt like there wasn't a point. I didn't know what I would write about. And the last trimester had been extremely difficult. I had lost my long time bf, I was very depressed, and I felt I had no future here. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to get free!!!! I wanted to get away from my p

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10 moments. Decision to be outdoorsy

When I was 16, I made the conscious decision that I wanted to climb, be outdoorsy, instead of hanging always with drug smoking friends. 1. with friends. at this place I don't remember where, but we were watching the godfather. I had smoke with the rest of them, and suddenly, I had what resembled a panic attack. I was shaking and my heart was racing. At that very moment, I thought, I don't want this anymore. I want to do what I always wanted. Climb mountains, and bike. Not this. This is boring a

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10 moments. Charles

I have to finish this thing! 1-2. When I was 14, I looked like a kid still. I am with charles. I have decided that I wanted to sleep with him. Cus I wanted a boyfriend. I thought it was the way to go about it. that he would love me. I wanted to experience that as well as I thought, it's time, it's a rare opportunity, and I don't want to fall behind 3. Charles is there with me 4. I lost my virginity, my mom is looking for me and she's scared. I just want my dad not to find me. But I don't feel sa

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Something someone wrote

Meditation "When you are in such a deep rest that nothing stirs in you, when all action as such ceases, as if you are fast asleep yet awake, you come to know who you are. Suddenly the window opens." When you have learnt the art of being at rest you can be both active and restful together, because then you know that rest is something so inner that it can not be disturbed by anything outer. The activity goes on at the circumference and at the center you remain restful. Arrange your life in such a

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Y's points

Physical style 4 1] Well built, athletic 5 2] Eats mostly healthfully 5 3] exercise regularly 5 4] good looking 5 5] cares about appearance 5 6] keeps clean 5 7] no addictions 4 8] dresses well 38/40=95 Emotional Style 3 1] very affectionate, likes touching, kissing, holding me 2 2] supportive of me and my dreams, expresses interest in what I do, my art, etc 3 3] Expresses feelings easily 4 4] makes romantic gestures, gives compliments 4 5] committed 4 6] faithful, devoted 3 7] sentimental about

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A strange "meh" feeling

well, we had another date Thursday night. I met him at his place and we took his motorbike that I like. It was my first time on a bike. I was a bit scared. I told him. So he was gentle and rode slowly. I really liked it. At the lil pub, we had wings and beer. We talked. He told me again, in more details, how when he was a kid. His mom beat him up. He asked if I had ever been beaten up. I hesitated to talk. But I did. He said it was a lot more than he wanted to reveal to me at this point. I unde

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Well hello old "friend" jealousy

Wow. As soon my brain has somehow decided that I like a guy, it automatically goes into some sort of negative state of mind including jealousy. Y and I spent a beautiful evening Saturday. He cooked a great dinner for me, he brought me to his secret 'alone' location by the river... I stayed at his place. I wanted to stay because I hadn't seen him in a week and wanted to get closer to him. We only kissed once before that. Maybe it was a bad decision. Not that anything 'happened' except talking, k

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how am I doing?

Well, since you've asked Malign... I am doing well all in all. Not too high not low. Just good. It seems. Went on a lil trip with my girl friend. that was good for the most part. I mean, I had to listen to a lot of her relationship problems. And how she loves her bf, which I still think is a 'douche'. I had a few bouts of anxiety. From feeling like I am not doing what I should. Which is actively look for a job I can do with the arm in a sling. And I thought a whole lot more than I wish I had

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what can I do now?

Ok so I learned that I will be in a sling for the rest of the summer, which is somewhat disturbing. But I know there's much worst than my situation. Now I need to find out what I can do to occupy myself, and to earn some doh somehow. It's a little distressing. But I don't want to get all down and bored and feel isolated, out of control and on the verge of not having something to eat. I don't want to have other people having to 'take care of me' in the financial way. Especially right now. I kno

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Affirmations, and what they do

So, as we know, I am the ultimate critic and skeptic. It's pretty hard to convince me of something if I have decided it's 'stupid'. Luckily, lately, and since I have talked to my T about what I need from her, she's been much harsher with me ... Ok, I don't mean she's been treating me bad, but she's been rattling my cage pretty good. I said, you know, I am hard to convince, I don't mean any disrespect, but for me to get into something, I have to know that it's not bull crap. She listened to me fo

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ok enough of this

So now I am going to post a lil about what up. So in the past few days I;ve been sitting and thinking a lot, which is ok. My mood isn't bad. good. My shoulder. Mmmm not so good, but that ok. I'e been doing some things, but mostly sitting here writing and contemplating. Sitting on my porch door and watching my roomy come in and out, doing things, as I do, well not much. smoking cigarettes and stuff. argh. can;t wait till I kick this addiction. now I'm gonna see if I can go to the gym. I've be

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Helplessness

Helplessness, or as they say in the industry 'learned' helplessness, is "a perceived absence of control over a situation." In a series of experiments, the American psychologist Martin Seligman established a link between perceived helplessness and clinical depression. I won't go in details here, but it's pretty interesting how he came to these conclusions. I would really suggest the book that he wrote, which not only explains his theories in detail, but offers the reader ways to counter act learn

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Emotions and Moods. Part 1

More notes. Comments very welcome. Please and thank you As I have mentioned before, emotions come and go. They are in no way a permanent state of mind. They last from a few seconds, to a few minutes. They are natural internal cues that something feels good or something feels bad, depending on outside triggers. They are there for us to keep us on track. To tell us to take a decision, take action. Basic Emotions. Of course there's all sort of theories and classifications of emotions: basic, comp

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Ruminating.

This is part of some reflections I am putting together for myself, In order to comprehend where my moods come from, and more importantly, how I can train myself to choose a positive mood to be in, and function. So, here is what I have found about rumination. I do it a lot... and it is a crippling habit that compound the problem of depression. But there's ways out of it.... What is rumination: Here is what I have found: It means obsessing about problems, about a loss, about any kind of a setback

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Emotions and moods. Part 2

This is a "note to self' again, but you are more than welcome to comment... Depression and anxiety, is in many ways a form of 'anger' that is basically turn inwards, at self, for lack of knowing what to do anymore, how to fix things, to avoid Fear and sadness. It's like the 'good kid' s syndrome: -so, I am not allowed to be angry at others. I've tried and tried to walk on eggshells, fix things around me, but nothing works and my situation is still 'not happy', so the problem must be me. On the

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