This morning I began my final preparations to go to my Human Rights Lawyer for the first time.

Last night I thought I had come to terms with some things and calmed but this morning I awoke about the same. I began to print things and my anxiety kicks in. what if I miss something. I will miss something. What if I am so fucked up I can't answer questions and talk about what I need to. What if I miss things. forget things. I will.

I have never had an anxiety attack that i am aware of. Lately I have been having things that felt like them. I am done preparing now and trying to calm down.

As I though of what to write, it just seemed the only answer was to give up. To not fight. I don't mean to stop the trial and plead guilty or stop my human rights case. I am mean just to accept what will come will. It seems calm. it seems peaceful. But it seems bleak an meaningless. Focus on the moment. Focus on this very instant.

It has been a philosophy on mine for a long time, but on a different scale and was a time time where the future seemed real and not a nightmare.

The Japanese stay even the Buddha will grow angry if you strike him three times. Much of my life is gone.

My marriage of 16 years ended in major depression, conflict and a ugly divorce. I am a criminal and could become a sex offender. I may have lost my career. I have lost the love of my life. I am a coward when it comes to romance and yet I am a romantic. I am afraid my life will be long and lonely.

It is hard to surrender to these, but if I don't then it seems insanity will come.

Well as unlikely as it sounds I am calm now.

I hope the Lawyer has a glimmer of hope. Something.

Strike the man who has given up all, even himself three times ...