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Going into a state of depression?


inferiority

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I don't expect anybody to read this, but here goes...

Over the past few days, not really sure when this exactly started, i have been noticing that i seem to be getting into a more and more depressed state. I have been eating even less than i was before and have no intentions of doing so any more often at the moment. I have been sleeping a lot lately, probably about 5 hours during the day today, just wasting the day away. For some reason all of a sudden i feel very "dirty" i guess is the word to put here. i haven't gotten anything done today and my parents are all over my case for this. I am just full out hating myself right now, and im not sure if it is going to keep getting any worse than this. today, my parents managed to drag me into walmart with them, and i kept looking at the ground all of the time, not wanting to "sneak a peek at anything" is what i guess i was thinking, even though i am pretty sure i wouldn't anyway. i'm not really sure what is going on right now, whether it is depression or what, but at the moment i just feel like a lower sort of lifeform that doesn't deserve to inhabit the planet.

i hope that somebody reads this, but even if nobody does, at least getting this out there should be a little bit of a relief.

inferiority

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Hi inferiority :D

Crumbs I wish your name was easier to spell - have to keep checking Ive spelt it right - think its just one of them words for me ya know :o (sorry you didnt need to know that)

Sorry your feeling depressed hun, deep down you know that you are a good kid though - right ?

Your not a lower sort of life form - and you do deserve to inhabit the planet.

Im around if you wanna talk for a while - if it would help you ? :o

Take care of you - ok :D

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thanks sue,

i haven't really had these feelings for quite a while now, but when they come on, its just not the best time.

today just wasn't a good day at all for me,

first, my mom woke me up at around 4:30 am because i forgot to put away my laundry from the day before, after that i couldn't get back to sleep, since she came into my room and just started doing what she calls "cleaning", which involves her picking up things that she doesn't like and throwing them into the trash can. There wasn't much that i could do since i really didn't feel like arguing with her this morning, so i just let her have at it and then at the end of it she said something like "next time put your laundry away when i tell you to do it".

later on, the whole family went out shopping for clothes and stuff like that for school, and the whole way there my mom made sure to make a lot of noise so that i couldn't sleep in the car :o my dad tried to tell her to quiet down and let me sleep, but then they got into an argument and the noise levels only intensified.

the store experience itself i already mentioned in the previous post.

after we got home, things looked up for a little bit, but soon after dinner (i eat separately), my mom and i got into a bit of a one-sided argument about me hanging up my new clothes right now, and i was saying that ill get to it a little bit later. she wouldn't take this compromise and the confrontation eventually escalated into me getting hit on the leg with a metal drill bit case, loaded with drill bits and screwdriver heads. It didn't really hurt, but it was just the thought of her trying to harm me that got to me.

after this, the usual yelling continued, although today i minded it a bit more for some reason and i just walked out of the house for about an hour to clear my mind.

things seem to have died out for now though, and i am thankful for that.

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oh hun Im so sorry - my heart truely goes out to you :o :o

What on earth was your mom thinking waking you up at that time of the day for - surely she could have nagged ya when you got up - or atleast at a reasonable hour.

Its normal teenage behaviour not to frigging put the laundry where it goes or to hang stuff up - straight away. One of my neices used to have what my siblings and I call a floordrobe - in other words, chuck it on the floor till later. Its nothing major, its what kids do.

And as for hitting you - that is WAY out of order :mad: Didnt your dad say anything - to protect you ?

Im sorry - it reminds me so much from when I was a kid at home, and it maddens me that parents still think its okay to treat their children in this manner - its appaling. :D

Is there anyone you can talk to - for support hun, maybe a school councelor, or a family friend - anyone ?

You deserve to be treated better than this, you deserve nothing but love, understanding and patience.

And sometimes when I used to get hit - it didnt really hurt as much as others - but it would still make me cry, and upset me no end, just out of shock or fear.

How are you now ?

Are you feeling any calmer ?

{{{{HUGS}}}}

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i feel a bit better now that i have gotten all of that off of my chest.

my mother has some major issues, you have to really be careful about what you say or do around her, she has about a one inch fuse that it soaked in gasoline and surrounded by open flames. a little agitation and the whole thing goes off. i try to reason with her and she throws a fit, throwing her hands in the air, yelling at the top of her lungs and getting into an overall (more) unstable state.

i try to get things done as quick as possible, but even i need some lenience time. i have never been able to have that "floordrobe", if i did i don't even know what would happen.

i realize that she it totally out of order, but im not really sure what i or anybody else can do about it. i don't want to fight her back, even though i can easily win. dad couldn'tve helped because he was in another room and wasn't even aware of the situation until he heard the smash of the metal box. i know that my mother didn't have a really good childhood either, but that is no excuse for her behavior.

as of the moment, there is really nobody for me, and as for school counselors, i may get one of them involved once school gets started back up if these things continue.

i wish that those 3 things (love, understanding, and patience) existed here, but the closest things i get to them are from my dad and siblings, but even in these cases it's mostly more of a tolerance than a love, a bit of understanding, and not much patience on most occasions.

i used to cry when i was hit when i was younger, but now the tears never fall. i've really been forced to toughen up. but after each of these little confrontations with another person (mostly mom), my anger just builds and builds and builds, its going to have to come out some time and i hate to see how this will have to be done. while i was in school, i expressed it during gym class, but as of now, gym class doesn't exist and will not during my next 2 school years.

right now i feel fairly good i guess, still kind of stressed because i have been falling behind on my work and can't concentrate enough to really get much of it done. still feel kind of worked up though, wishing that i could find some outlet for this stored up anger that just keeps eating at me.

i guess that i feel a bit calmer, thanks for asking sue.

{{{hugs back}}} hugs make things a lot better, i wish i had a chance to get those again.

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Hi

Hun Im so sorry seriously I wish there was something I could do :o

Are you hurt seriously ? Have you checked out the wound ?

I know what its like to have to walk around on egg shells. I grew up with a extremely violent mother and papa, that took disciplene to a whole new level. We had to toughen up pretty darn quick too. And no I never had a floordrobe either. But thankfully us kids - that are now adults, well none of us use any form of violence on our chilren - were all determined to be nothing like our parents.

There are people that can help you - over here there is childline which is a free phone number, and they can give you a lot of advice and put you in touch with people that can help you. Your in america - right ?

I could try look up some phone numbers and PM them to you - if you want ?

Its understandable that your school work is suffering, your home life is so very harsh :o

Hun, Im sending you loads of huge hugs and a hell of a lot of love through cyberspace. You dont deserve any of this crap :D

I hope you get hugs back one day too hun - I truely do.

Keep talking if this is helping, I may not be of much help - but I can listen and I have a friendly shoulder for you to lean on.

♥{{{{HUGS}}}}♥

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you are already doing a lot just by answering. you really are a big help, i just like getting this sort of stuff off of my chest, since it feels so much better once i have.

there is no wound that i can physically see, she can't throw very hard, she's not the strongest woman in the world for sure. i fear what it would be like if she was stronger.

in the past i have been subjected to many of their "creative" punishments that have now ceased since i am now able to defend myself. i would never want to repeat my childhood to anyone. if i somehow ever end up having a child (probably by adoption), probably a little girl rather than a boy since there is no attraction at all (still probably won't happen, but this would be a much safer bet), i would treat her like a princess.

i remember somebody else mentioning childline over in the UK before, and i know of a few organizations over here in the US as well, although i can't think of any of the names at the moment, but i know theyre in my mind somewhere.

if you feel that i could benefit from having this information and numbers then by all means feel free to send them to me, if you want.

yeah, im falling a bit behind, got some books staring back at me (gulp).

thanks sue, it makes me feel a bit better knowing that someone is giving me hugs, even if it is through cyberspace. i feel obliged to say this as well, but a large amount of these hugs that i was referring to earlier were hugs from the little children on my school bus who just do it at random times when they find out that i am sad and then say something like "you looked sad, a hug will make it better". i don't have the heart to tell them no, and the hugs do cheer me up. do you think there is something wrong with getting these ones and i should stop taking them?

thanks again.

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Oh hun,

A child can sense when a fellow kid or adult for that matter is upset and hurting - far better than another adult can. They are just so aware you know. No I dont think that there is anything wrong with another child, talking to you, and giving you a hug. They are just showing you care and affection. This dosnt mean it is anything sexual though - it just means that the child that hugs you dosnt want to see you upset and hurt. A child learns that when he/she is hurting or upset that they feel better with a hug, they are just passing the hug along so that you will feel better too. :o

And as long as you dont confuse that care with sexual attraction - than there is nothing wrong with it at all.

Yeah my parents were real genius's with some of the things they would hit us with, or harm us with - they were sheer evil. We were never able to really defend ourself as children, so Im pleased that you are able to defend yourself a little better now that you are older, but at the same time Im saddened that you need to :o

I will find all the useful numbers I can and PM them to you.

Hun, you do know that you have the same rights as an adult - dont you ?

If things get to a stage where it looks or feels asthough you are in any danger of getting beat or hit - phone the Police. Seriously, you will not get into any trouble for doing that - your safety is really quite important. You deserve to be protected just like everyone else does.

How are you feeling ?

{{{{HUGS}}}}

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http://helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

This is a web page with a lot of useful information - it may help you.

Also, heres the Child Help National Abuse Hotline phone number. It runs in america and canada.

1-800-422-4453.

I will also Pm the info to you - as I was going to, but I thought that I would put it here in your blog incase someone else reading this is going through a similar situation to you.

take care :o

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thanks sue,

i just wanted some reassuring that getting them didn't sound wrong to anybody.i know that my idea of boundaries and the idea of many others aren't exactly the same, and i try to stay within their boundaries as much as possible, glad that i at least got this cleared up. you don't have to worry about me taking these as a sign of sexual expression, i know that they're probably not even sexually aware yet.

i also wish that i could just be able to let my guard down for a few minutes and just take some deep breaths, but the only time this is possible is basically either late at night when others have gone to bed or when i am in bed asleep.

thanks for the numbers sue, ill look into them if i need help in the future.

yeah i know that i have the right to have a peaceful existence free of fighting and feuding, but am a bit afraid to acknowledge these rights.

thanks sue, if things really get out of hand, ill definitely call the police. i've already had to do that once before when i was around 11 or 12 when mom and dad got into a huge feud that turned physical.

feeling a bit better, not feeling like so much of a scum bag right now, but still feel like i am hating what i am. i hate being exclusive. if i could also like people my own age i would be a lot better, but being exclusive is just about killing me right now, since im thinking about all of the negatives about it.

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Im sorry you have so much to try and cope with :o:(

Do you have any brothers or sisters living at home with you ?

You know you really DONT have to put up with this behaviour from your parents. Its not right, and mostly it is not fair on you. You could also ring child support services - part of your local Social Services. They would be able to help you and your family - a lot.

I know its scarey to acknowlege your rights to a safe life - sheeze I truely understand that one. I ended running away from home for good at the age of 15. Coz me and sis - we just could not cope anymore.

Your not a scum bag, Your just a kid with a very harsh family life. That doesnt make you a scum bag. You a good kid with a kind heart. I dont understand about the different labels of pedophillia - but I am aware that you would never harm a child. Are you so sure that you are a pedophile, and just not confused, because you are shown little to no love at home, and children are so willing to freely share there love. I dont mean to be disrespectful - so please dont take it that way. I freely admit I dont understand all the labels people have.

I just want to try and understand where you are coming from a little better.

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Hey, inferiority (maybe we should come up with a nickname for you....how about "inf?"....maybe something better...)

Hey, inf. Just dropping by to offer my support as well. I'm around for a bit too if you need to talk more.

As for the hotline numbers--just wanted to add that not too long ago I'd had a suicide hotline number in hand forever and never bothered to call it becuase it seemed like too big of a deal to do so somehow. But when I finally did, i realized it wasn't so bad afterall. The person on the other end was nice and it was just good to talk to somebody and unload. So if you are ever at just feeling like you need to talk to someone about these things--give one of those numbers a call.

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Your not a scum bag' date=' Your just a kid with a very harsh family life. That doesnt make you a scum bag. You a good kid with a kind heart. I dont understand about the different labels of pedophillia - but I am aware that you would never harm a child. Are you so sure that you are a pedophile, and just not confused, because you are shown little to no love at home, and children are so willing to freely share there love. I dont mean to be disrespectful - so please dont take it that way. I freely admit I dont understand all the labels people have.

[/quote']

I'd like to second this--I think I've expressed this to you before, inf. I wouldn't be so quick to label yourself like that. You are still quite young.

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Self hatred is very common among people with problems. People in similar situations to ourselves are no exceptions. It's natural to hate what's out of the ordinary, and pedophilia is entirely abnormal. Still, that doesn't make you a dirty person. You obviously know this by now, but you didn't choose to form your attractions.

I wish I could be more help, but aside from being here to talk with you and offer support, I don't think there's much I can do.

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thanks guys,

i do have some siblings at home, i have 2 sisters, and 1 brother (1 sister about the same age as me, a younger sister, and a younger brother).

i wouldn't mind being called inf, its cool :o

i am still fairly certain that i am one, and no disrespect was taken. i am shown a lot of respect and some affection as well by my same age friends in school and some of the adults that i converse with. its just my immediate family that has this problem. it just doesn't add up to me that i couldn't be one, since i have never before in my whole life had a single sexual or romantic thought about anybody of the opposite gender or even somebody in my own age group. but this could still be the case, and i sure hope that it is, im not saying that i have given up hope on this possibility, but i have pretty much accepted the fact that i only like little boys.

one of the main reasons i would be hesitant in using these hotlines is the possibility of some sort of backlash from them, i know that they are supposedly anonymous, but still... the fear is always there.

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You're 16, inf. "never before in your whole life" isn't a very long time. I know it may not seem like that though. I'm sure any 40 or 50 year old could sit down and tell me how much I have yet to learn, but until I go through it, how could I possibly know?

As for the hotlines, you seriously don't need to worry about backlash. Give them a fake name and call from a payphone if it makes you feel better, but you really don't need to and you just may find it offer relief to do so.

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Well Im gonna call ya inf now too - I can spell that :o

The thing is inf, it may just be that you are gay - and not a pedophile. Your still a kid yourself, try not to be so quick in jumping to conclusions. A lot of my friends when I went to school went out with boys older than them by a couple of years or so - it didnt make the boys concerned pedophiles.

The hotlines are there to help you - and are anonymous. Childline in this country is completely anonymous. The staff are trained to offer support and guidance - they cant make you do anything you dont want to. Give it a try ?

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I didn't know you have any siblings. Are they at all supportive of you, or are they distant like your parents?

I'm not saying that your sexual attraction will just magically change, but I continue to be surprised at how it works as a teenager. I only realized a half year ago that I have some gay tendencies. They're not strong enough that I'd ever act on them in real life, but they were never there before. I guess the point is that things can kind of just come out of the blue.

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thanks pseudo, i guess you're right. i've only been sexually aware for about 6 years, i suppose that i could mature a bit down the road and all could change for the better, only time can tell this. ill try to keep my hopes high.

i just may end up doing that, not the payphone thing, but a fake name. make me feel a lot better if my name isn't floating around at all.

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i hope that i am just gay, that would be a dream come true for me. they are pretty nice with me, which may be one of the main things keeping me sane at this time. my siblings realize that i have an extreme amount of liking towards younger children, but they never bring it up. i hope that they don't know anything about me that i wouldn't want them to, but if a 10 year old can guess about me, then i guess it wouldn't be too hard for my siblings to do so.

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I personally think the key is to not obsess over what you are or aren't. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, then what goes on in your own head is your own thoughts. Don't be so quick to label yourself. Let yourself be open to potential attractions to age peers if they come along. You never know. I think I mentioned before that at your age I thought I was gay, but since then the best relationships I've had have been with women. You never know.

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Maybe just try to let any pedophile-related thoughts pass through you instead of latching onto them and obsessing over them. The more you obsess about something, the bigger it becomes to you and the more you are likely to think about it in the future.

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yeah, i like to do a bit of computer programming, building electronic devices out of scraps of old junk, reading, videogames, am a bit of a photoshop geek, and if watching tv counts then count that as well.

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