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Goals experiment, check in 1


Ralph

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1 week into working on learning a full song to get my music practice started up again, and to experiment with setting and meeting goals. So far have the basic riffs for verse and chorus down, can play a couple of the fills and the bridge. Next week need to learn the rest of the fills. There's a part at the end which I really miss being able to play. I used to know every note of this song but I've had to relearn it.

Mentally/emotionally things have been not good but not bad. Anxiety a big problem lately causing me to avoid and procrastinate. Starting to feel tired of self discipline. Extremely lonely and realizing this level of isolation is unsustainable. I'm handling it right now but I can tell it's a matter of time before I either find a way to feel like I belong somewhere or I decide I don't belong anywhere.

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My personal belief is that we each "belong" exactly where we are, in that us-shaped gap in the atmosphere that we already occupy. The trick is deciding where you want to steer that envelope ... It's okay to steer it somewhere where people will accept you.

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Thanks, finding my way

Malign, I think for me the trick is finding somewhere where people will accept me, or else learning the social skills to at least not turn people off before they get a chance to know me. Still trying to learn how to make small talk for instance.

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good point. I had been trying to work on liking myself before getting others to like me, but then it did become more of a chicken and egg problem where I'm thinking I'd never get out of my isolation tendencies if I wait until I'm comfortable with and accepting of myself first. Besides that, socially I have some steps to go before I even worry about whether people like me or not.

Lately I've had some setbacks in that area as I basically feel like an immoral person for not doing more to help others Although I volunteer it seems like not enough and really the fact that I am distant from my family is not made up for by some random charity work.

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Well when I write it down I can see myself being harsh but in my head it made sense. I wouldn't judge another person like that, but it's that double standard.

The belief being that there must be something wrong with me, and if only I was better, then bad things wouldn't happen to me. Under this belief I have control. The universe works in a fair, predictable manner. I think this is why people who have been traumatized want to blame themselves. It is definitely why I blamed myself. I must have stopped blaming myself but still kept the belief that I can control what the world throws at me through moral behavior.

In reality the universe doesn't work this way though. Life is neither fair nor predictable.

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"Well when I write it down I can see myself being harsh ..."

A very concise statement of why I write things down! :-)

For quite a while, I couldn't trust what my own head told me; it kinda wanted to die ...

Locus of control is a huge issue. Once we have a realistic assessment of what we can do and what we can't, it's a lot easier to do the one and accept the other.

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I used to be compassionate toward myself, maybe at times I still can be but most times I just feel like a bad person. Not bad as in evil, but bad as in damaged. Then again it's easy to move from one to the other.

I write things down to figure them out. My head wants me to die too, but not badly enough to go to the trouble of doing it myself. There's also a weird feeling of wanting to do it cleanly, as in I want to kill myself, but only after I've cleaned up the apartment and taken out the trash. This is absurd.

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I feel like damaged goods too :o. But the more I get to know people, the more I see that, um, I can't really find anyone that is "whole." In meditation I know it is possible to access an amazing expansive "wholeness," though pretty difficult to stay in touch with it as soon as I start to act.

So if we are all kind of limited when it comes to our functioning, and maybe the opposite when it comes to our spiritual capacity perhaps, then it becomes a creative act to see what we can do with this odd human condition?

I know that when I can challenge my perfectionism with something more soulful, arty, I feel more on a zesty track... Tough stuff from the past can still block it all, but maybe it is a matter of tipping the balance by building enough positive experiences to outweigh the bad?

Hope today is ok, Ralph. Sorry to ramble on in yer blog!

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"My head wants me to die too ... This is absurd."

Yes, from the outside, wanting to die as a way of improving things is a little absurd. I know; it's different from the inside.

I figure, whatever keeps us alive until we're self-maintaining is a good thing. So, just keep your apartment messy. ;-)

As 'finding' said, there are no undamaged goods. Degrees of damage, degrees of skill at hiding it, degrees of skill at patching it, degrees of skill at healing it, and so on.

One interesting question, to me, is: when I was aware that "my head" was lying to me, what part of me was aware? It seems like a much more trustworthy part to have this discussion with. Perhaps there's a part of you that you can connect to that doesn't judge, so much.

Hint: see if you can stop thinking, even briefly. I had the hardest time with that; I used to think that I was the thought. Yet, when I stopped, I was still there; I just wasn't thinking, at that moment.

That was the most valuable thing I ever learned, and it can't be taught.

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