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Why am I doing this to myself?


ThePetPerson

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My leg is covered in fresh cuts, some very deep, some quite long. I have eaten nothing all day apart from pizza when I got home, but I purged it. I've been doing that for a while, I'm not really sure why, it just keeps me in control and helps me lose weight, which is always a plus in todays society, you can never be too thin. I don't care for the dangers because I don't care much for life, I've been thinking of it as a means of sort of passive suicide, though i know it won't last to reach that point.

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Well, you don't have to care about the dangers if you don't want to. Instead, let's talk about the "in control" concept.

You have control over what you eat and what you don't, already. You chose to put pizza in; I doubt that anyone forced you. Is it a sign of control that you then purged it? I would've called it a sign of control if you kept down what you chose to eat in the first place.

You have control over whether you cut yourself or not. You chose to do it; in this case I'm quite certain no one else forced you. Is it a sign of control that you hurt yourself? Wouldn't it have been harder, and therefore a greater sign of control, not to have done it?

I don't know anything for sure, Pet; it's just a different point of view.

I wonder instead whether it isn't a perception of a lack of control; your belief that you won't be able to change what's important. I bet if you put as much effort into those kinds of changes, you'd find that a different world is possible.

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I am not forced to eat, no, but it is one of the many areas of my life where I am more or less monitored, and should I not eat what is given to me, hungry or not, my family will not let me get away with it, and I don't enjoy upsetting or causing worry to anyone, so I eat. I guess I'm just trying to give myself a reason to do these things.

My cutting is not for control but for relief. I feel wrong posting here, there are people with serious problems and I'm just nothing, not deserving of help.

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