Difficult times bring out.... our difficult thoughts. I hope you don't curse me, but it can be an opportunity to heal some old stuff. We carry around old wounds that never got a chance to reach what would heal them. I've been learning to journal my self talk, my blurts. I got the training from the book that deals with artist's block, The Artist's Way. It is a game changer, and it doesn't have to be in preparation to do art.

You went through some pretty tough stuff. Wishing you healing and peace, Jai, for then and for now  

Hormones can wreak havoc for sure.

I hear that you feel withdrawn and pessimistic. You have been through a lot, physically and emotionally.  

E and I are very different people too...in so many ways. Maybe we're drawn to differences in others as a way to help balance ourselves? I'm glad that RT is consistent.

Wishing you healing and serenity.

Sending you some pink, Jai.

Thank you for the ideas and thoughts Beth, Finding...

I'll have to reply later.  Pretty tired tonight.  

Chat soon

I hope you have been resting and healing. I think of you. I'm here. Sending love and care to you.

Hi, how are things?  I've been all over the board here lately.  I'm up, i'm down, i'm exhausted, i'm driven.  It was Thanksgiving this past weekend here.  So we were with my family Sunday, and RT's on Monday.  And I'm better when we're in larger groups.  It was nice.  When we're alone my emotions are all over the place.  

I picked up the cremated remains today.  When I tell RT anything about the baby, even just the logistics stuff, he doesn't even acknowledge I've said anything.  I guess he's done with it.  

I'm hoping to take the remains out to scatter in the mountains at some point, but also hoping I don't have to do it alone.  

I Better get going, gotta get ready for work.  Later. 

Hi Jai.

I'm sorry things feel so erratic emotionally for you right now. I hope you can stand with yourself through this painful time and listen to your needs. It's good you were able to share some family time and that it felt positive for you.

It's possible that RT keeps things in more or maybe it's too painful for him to think about now? I don't know how things work for him and I probably shouldn't guess, but it must be very difficult for you to not hear any acknowledgement from him about the baby. Do you have friends and family there who listen and who are supportive?

You picked up the ashes today. I'm so sorry for your loss. :'( You will be spreading her ashes in the mountains. The mountains are such a peaceful place...where we are one with the earth and nature. I hope RT does go along with you, Jai. If not, would another relative possibly go with you?

(((Jai)))

Wishing you peaceful healing and comfort.

I dont know what his deal is... It just feels disrespectful to completely ignore something i say, regardless what its about.  Even a grunt of a reply would be appreciated at this point. 

But, whatever, i should just let it go, cus stewing about it is only serving to piss me off.  

Nah, im not talking about anything stillborn related to anyone i dont have to. It makes things awkward.  

I still have had to tell at least 1 person a day, whats happened.  The only positive about that, is i can now get it over with, without my voice cracking, or eyes welling.  For the most part i can relay the news with a shrug and a 'that's life' sentiment.  

Im okay if i have to spread the ashes alone.  Ive decided maybe that would be fine after all.   But i might wait til spring now, havent decided. 

Currently my distraction is mice in the garage.  Friggen mice.  Mouse crap everywhere.  

Thanks for listening Beth. 

It's painful to be ignored.

I hear you that it feels awkward to talk to others about your loss. If you ever do need a caring ear, I am here to listen. I know how important it is for me to talk and share.

It must be hard to have to keep sharing the news with others.   

We have had a mice problem here as well at times...in the basement. We don't use chemicals or poison. I use a natural product called Fresh Cab, some peppermint oil on cotton balls, dryer sheets... I'm not sure that it works perfectly, but it does seem to help a lot. Also, I have been told that mice can enter a home through a pencil sized hole, so try to cover any small openings you have in the garage.

Take care of yourself, JaiJai.

It sounds like R is in a lot of pain and does not know what to do with that. Is there any way to get a little therapy for him or for both of you? Humans are not always equipped to deal with this kind of difficulty

I have a friend that puts Osage Oranges out to deter mice. Do those trees grow in your area? Don't know if it works. I bought some of that spay foam insulation and was able to plug the hole where they were getting in in my kitchen. Took a while to find!

Maybe it sends him into his head, and quite the opposite of ignoring you, he's working very hard to find the "right" response.  That sucks as a goal when there isn't a right response.  I know that for me, I go silent over the hard stuff;  if I'm chattering away you know that I've managed to stay on a superficial level in some way.

I hope that helps explain me being at a loss for words, too.

In my experience--for me--it doesn't matter so much what people say... it matters that they are present.

The loss of your baby is new and each of you are trying to navigate a painful roller coaster of emotions in your own way and according to your own needs... I hope the two of you are able to, in time, reach out to and support one another. I'm sorry things are difficult right now.

I hope you are able to take some time to enjoy the autumn days too. Nature can be healing and replenishing.

Thinking of you.

Many valid points and useful insight, IJ, Mark, Finding... Thank you. 

Sadly, I took sleep meds, and my thumbs are becoming cumbersome on this touchscreen phone, so my reply will be brief, but please know I am grateful.  

Thank you also for the mice ideas.  That is to be my project today.  

Much love, guys, chat later...

=j

And we can hear you about feeling angry and disappointed with his response, too. We feel what we feel. Not asking you not feel to that.

Close relationships can bring up all kinds of stuff from the past and then it becomes a sorting project, a heal the old stuff in the closet project. Love and time can get it done.

So, its been a busy weekend, we've had company all weekend, so thats been a good distraction.  

Didn't make much headway with the mice though.  Hopefully today.  No Osage Orange trees here i'm afraid... Pretty sure Home Depot grows a healthy supply of spray foam though... Thanks for the ideas Finding. 

Havent heard of Fresh Cab, IJ.  I'll have to look it up.  A pencil sized hole? They are little buggers. We had a couple of pet mice at work before, and the cheeky little terds would squeeze out of the cage at night, explore to their delight, and would squeeze back in, come morning... As i would open the door, i, more than once, would catch the last few wiggles of a fuzzy little rump as it made the dash for the cage and forced itself between the bars to get inside.  Thanks for the ideas IJ... I'm gonna give them a try. 

Nor sure how motivated RT would be to go to therapy.  Or me for that matter.  But something i would consider if things deteriorated.  it just feels like there's a lot going on right now.  We're both busy at work, still selling the condo, we're fighting an insurance debaucle where our truck was hit by a driver who failed to yield to a yield sign and turned out and hit us.  Their insurance accepted 100% of the liability, but suddenly now, they've decided to change that to 50-50... So we would nailed with $8000 damage claim to our vehicle, when it was clearly the other drivers fault.  I still have a tonne of appointments, from the usual, to more post-partum specific.  We have a tonne of work to do to winterize the new house...  I'm at my limit.  

What you said about RT being quiet makes sense though Mark, and I'm hoping I'm not so quick to get frustrated at the lack of Rt's response.  

Between company, mice, and hoping to get the dog out for a crisp fall walk today, things lie in wait for another day. 

Thanks guys, check yas later...

That's a whole lot of stress, Jai. I hope things calm down soon.

5 down, untold more to go.  Mice, I mean.  Funny how it would ordinarily bother me to kill small animals.... But these are no ordinary small animals.  These are invaders who relentlessly chew and crap all over everything, and carry disease and bacteria, forcing me to clean and re-clean to ocd standards.  I have no trouble killing mice in this context, apparently.   In fact, it seems less vile than fishing.  

New furnace is being installed today.  The old one was 34 years old and condemned when we had it inspected.  At least it will help bring down the gas bill this winter, (high efficiency furnaces required by law now) and since many of the windows are still broken, (and money to fix them was re-allocated to the furnace) the gas used will probably still be quite high.  Catch 22.  =\ 

And so it goes...  

Trying to look for the positives, and not be in such a rush all the time.  RT never seems to be in a rush.  Sometimes I envy that, and sometimes it drives me crazy.  Me and my rushing ways, would be grateful for a helping hand, so that things get done twice as fast, and we can both chill.  He and his relaxed ways, don't seem bothered by my rushing by myself.  

Funny how, when i lived alone, doing housework and chores never bothered me.  But doing them, while someone else veg's on the couch, irk's me to no end.  

Anyway, griping about trivial things again.  I'll take the dog for a walk.  That usually improves my outlook, puts things in perspective. 

I have some difficulty with hurting them, but I do hear you...they can create an awful mess. I tried have a heart traps for a while without much success in alleviating the problem. 

I relate to feeling the need to go go go in order to get work done. Will RT lend a hand if you ask him to?

I hope the dog walk helped to clear your mind, Jai.

Is it new behavior on RT's part? If so, it could be depression.

I totally relate to home moanership! Our windows are coming apart. We are trying the plastic sheeting method for this winter, but so far it doesn't last. Will try stronger tape. But then, I used the outdoor option so maybe that was the mistake. You can put the plastic up on the inside. I didn't want cats clawing at it.

Don't know if this article is helpful

http://everydayroots.com/how-to-get-rid-of-mice

The plastic on the inside works, but i find the tape is incredibly difficult to remove from the walls in the spring (or ever) and makes a horrible mess.  We may still have to use it, but I'm not a fan of the aftermath.  

That everyday roots article was interesting.  Trying lots of stuff for the mice.  But last weekend focused on finding holes.  And we found some.  Big ones.  Very disconcerting.  Pulled out the fluff insulation around some of the vents, not only discovered holes all around the vents, but also an entire section of 2x8 that had been sawed out of the support wall! Pulled out the fluff, and it went straight to vinyl siding!  

Everything turns into 4 more projects.  To get to the vents from the outside, 1/2 the deck had to be demo'd.  I say demo'd, because the deck turned out to be many decks, all built one on top of the other.  Use crow bars to pop deck boards, to discover plywood.  Plywood cut with skill saw, ripped up to discover more boards,  etc etc.  under all 5 deck layers, was the previous owners disposal sight for any construction refuse.  Brutal.  Get  to it to discover dryer duct is botched. Cover is a mess... both need to be replaced. 

Mouse crap literally rains from the fluff insulation.  Needs to be replaced. Vinyl siding needs to be cut out to access holes from exterior around pipes, cus inside access is too tight.  

Went to seal this skylight thing in the porch roof, to discover it had been done completely wrong, nothing covering bare wood around the top.  Full day project.  Raise skylight, replace wood, move studs, to accommodate new height.  And also discover 3 inches of mud in eavestroughing.  4 hour project to clean by hand, perched on roof, leaning down and over to scoop and dig out mud.  Omg... i could go on for ages.  

Exhausted, but happy we're making progress.  RT's dad has been over helping us... so very grateful.  He came to help build a closet, and has jumped in to help where ever he can.  Honestly couldn't have done it without him.  Even RT's buddy who was staying with us, helped out.  

Incredibly appreciative of so many people offering to lend a hand, and offer their skills.  These projects would have taken 5 times longer if RT and I had muddled through on our own.  

Today, we covered the exterior or the house where the holes were, with metal and wood.  Did a temporary repair on deck til spring, cleaned up the back yard, cleaned out a bunch of the garage, and got a new shelving unit built to store stuff in the garage off the floor.    

Good day.  RT's brother even helped us drywall the new closet while he was over watching the hockey game tonight.  During the intermissions, of course.  =) 

The week was full of ups and downs.  Busy and scrambling at work... but some thoughtful reminders of what's important in life too.  

Time to sleep.  G'night. 

Wow, you've been busy! It feels good to make progress on projects, though, doesn't it? And it's great that you have helping hands to lighten the load. Our basement and foundation need work. We did finally have gutters installed, but that's only a first step. It's always ongoing, it seems. I wish you well with your new house! I hope you have a restful sleep too.

Take care, Jai.

On ‎11‎/‎6‎/‎2016 at 6:26 AM, JaiJai said:

Everything turns into 4 more projects.

Isn't that the gosh darn truth?!?!?!?! I can never keep up. But it does feel good to accomplish the things that I can.

So glad you are getting help, JaiJai.

Hey guys,

Wanted to stop by and wish you all a wonderful Christmas/ holiday season.  Hope that you're able to spend time with family and friends and treasure the little things, the happy moments, the peaceful and quiet times, the tranquility of nature or a gentle snowfall.   

Although I've been absent, I think of you often, and hope you are well.  I will touch base in the new year and see how you're adjusting to your new president... ?

Sorry, that was a cheap shot.  I can't be all dafodils and moon beams... it's not in my nature.  ?

But i do wish you were closer and we could raise a glass of rum and eggnog together.  I will raise one and toast you all tonight.  

Wishing you all the best, much love,

=j

JaiJai! It's great to hear from you.

I would have to toast with cashewnog and pea protein milk.

Best wishes.

I have no idea how to adjust to our new president. No clue. I guess it is the era of the billionaire. They have rights too? It's their turn? A billionaire in charge of Education is.... rich. OK, moving on!

Best wishes to all for 2017. So glad we know each other