I try very hard not to cry, I bite my tongue so hard. I don't have a choice in the matter, it is just what happens, from the first word. I get so mad at myself because ordinarily what he's yelling about is something I could have prevented and all I can think is, how did I let this happen again, I can't believe I let this happen again. I don't know if there's anything else I could do.

I know, starry. Maybe there isn't anything different to do, yet. Can you cut down just a bit on the part where you blame yourself?

For instance, if I drive down a different street one day, for a change, and someone crashes into me -- is it reasonable for me to blame myself? Maybe if I hadn't gone a different way, it wouldn't have happened. So in some way, you could say it was something I could have prevented. But it wasn't under my control, so long as I was driving carefully. It could have happened anywhere, no matter what I did.

At least you don't have to blame yourself for his acting unreasonable.

I understand what you are saying. I know that he acts unreasonably, and that I can't control how he acts. But there are little things I know, that can help alot in preventing these outbursts, I mean I can try not to get mad at myself about it, but sometimes, well most of the time, I just am, I get so upset with myself I can't stop myself, even if I know logically it's not me I should be angry with it happens, don't get me wrong, I get angry with him too, there's plenty of anger for everyone.

Yes, well, anger is the emotion that just keeps on giving, isn't it? :-)

Try to let it out somewhere, starry. You don't have to go beat up homeless people, but punching a pillow or screaming can help get rid of all that wasted energy. At least, that's what they tell me; I've never been very good at it. And it shows on the walls that I've punched. It's probably better to handle it another way, what do you think? ;-)

Yeah, I am angry alot. I think I tend to take it out on my little brother, who is so good to me. I guess I should try to figure something else out. I don't know, I take it out on my head at times, and by screaming at myself as well, so he doesn't get all of it, I usually stop myself, cause I realize I'm being mean to him and than I feel very bad about it. He really doesn't deserve it at all, so than of course I get mad again because, look what I've done now, ah it just doesn't end.

You take the vast majority of it out on yourself, judging from the names I've heard you call yourself. But yeah, probably some leaks out when you wish it wouldn't. The thing is to find some place else to put all that, because neither he nor you deserve it.

I understand. I can try to work on it, because I really don't like to be like that. That is what I fear, that I will be just like him. He takes his anger out on the nearest person to him, I would never want to be a person that others tiptoe around, I fear I already am, at least a little.

Yes, but you're aware!

That's the hugest difference imaginable, because "I may be stupid, but you're ugly and I can learn." Remember that one. You can learn.

G'night, starlight. I'm off to the races (the Beltway, in this case.) Take care of yourself, and think about it.

Yes, I am aware, I agree that is good, because I try so hard not to be like him, sometimes I slip and act like a jerk but I really try not to. I don't think I'll ever be as bad as him, at least I really hope not.

Have a good night malign

And be careful!

hey blossom, I'm back

Hey STarry!!!!!!!! do ya wanna talk here?

hey, sorry about that. I'd rather email, it's a lot quicker for me when I'm on my phone. But I lost your email address by accident, so just send me an email so I can save it.

So, did everything go ok when you got home?