yeah. can't leave anyway because it's already paid for.

it's just not making me happy. my course last year was the only thing that made me kinda happy. this is the opposite.

i dunno. maybe i'm just tired.

Maybe it's not the job of things outside of you to make you happy ...

What made you happy, last time? Perhaps you just need to import it. (No, I don't mean Target.) Or maybe that's the whole point: last time, you didn't have to go home every weekend.

the people were nicer and funner and our tutors explained things properly and encouraged us. i kinda miss living at home aswel.

Aw, baby, I wish you wouldn't do that.

You felt the way you felt, that's all.

Who are you hiding it from?

i dunno. i just felt like deleting everything. i just watched saw 5:( bad idea.......

i don't know what to say anymore:( i know everyone's probably tired of listening to me talk about how much i hate everything. i'm sorry. i'm tired of listening to me too. i'm so negative all the time. it really frustrates me and it makes me hate myself even more when i read back over what i've written. it scares me because i feel like i'm turning into you know who. what if i have children someday and i'm still like this? what if they turn out like me? i don't want that. now i'm talking about myself again. stupid. i don't mean to be self-centered. no wonder noone likes me. i don't even like myself. i hate that i can't even make my own life better. i can't do anything because i'm stupid. and i'll probably always be stupid so that means i'll stay like this forever. and i don't want that so i might as well be dead. i'm sorry for talking about myself all the time.

Ohhhhh Blossom.... please know that you have had wayyyyyyyyy too much negativity to build your identity from. That is why things are so difficult. What you've got to do now is go scrounging... find the little positive things and huddle them together, and build on that. Don't let your light go out. The negative stuff wants to bully you. That's what you've known. Don't let it win!!!!! Go find your abandoned self and bring her to safety and give her a present and be friends. There are many wonders that she can bring you if you welcome her, instead of shutting her out like you were taught to do in your family. We love you very much, Blossom.

i've tried and it doesn't work for me.

Then try something else, sweety.

Remember your last art class, you said that the only thing they wouldn't let you say was "I can't".

well i really can't. i give up.

As for people being tired of you talking about yourself ...

Um, isn't that what a blog is for? Look at mine. It's full of me talking about me.

And the fact that I haven't updated it recently just shows I'm hiding, trying not to show how hard a time I'm having. It would be healthier if I could just talk about my troubles, the way you do.

i'm sorry you're having a hard time..

And I'm sorry you're having a hard time, sweety. :-)

That's the reason to talk about it, with people. It gives them a chance to care, to say how much they want to help us, even if they can't. Thank you for letting me tell you I care about you. ('Finding's right; it's time I update the old bloggy.)

i care about you too.

are you still going to start back at therapy?

Another excellent question. You could be good at this.

I kinda gave up on the therapist I had before, because her schedule is a bit restrictive and she's far away. The trick will be to keep me from using that to put it off indefinitely.

Another piece of it is that I feel like therapy will take a while, and some of the stuff I need to get done needs to happen sooner than that. But that's also a kind of excuse; I'll always have urgent stuff to do. No reason I can't do both, really.

oh.. but there's plenty more therapists in the sea, isn't there?

Those are the drowned ones.

I'll be looking on land, here, if that's okay with you. :-P

Yeah, that's what I mean: I have to keep from giving up on all of them just because I can't use the one I had before.

oh!! ok. well i won't let you give up. i'll annoy you about it EVERY DAY until you find another one.

Well, okay, so long as I get to annoy you about getting so down on yourself. Deal? :-)

[smiley truncation]

ok, deal!

MALIGN, YOU NEED TO FIND A THERAPIST!![that's your first reminder]

what does smiley truncation mean?

That's when the smiley gets split over two lines, like the one after "Deal?" in my last comment. At least, on my screen, it's split. Hah, silly me (which anagrams to 'smiley l'): it depends on how wide your browser window is. Never mind.

Oh!! computer talk!! it's not split on my screen.

i watched a scary movie last night.....

Yup, and as soon as I change the size of the window, it's not split on mine, either. What they call a "blonde moment".

I heard. You know, it's not as obvious as, say, "Chain saw massacre", but you hadn't heard about "Saw"? I don't enjoy gory movies, either, but more because I have a tendency to laugh at the wrong times. Was it horrible? Did you have nightmares?

i had heard about saw, but i was always too afraid to watch any of them. i laughed at the wrong times:) but only because parts of it were so stupid. i was a little jumpy last night after it and i kept hearing noises and i had to check all the rooms to make sure no murderers were there but i'm ok now i think...

i dreamt about christmas!

Did you hear any saws? It's not like you can hide behind stuff holding a running chainsaw.

Christmas!? Did you get woodworking tools as presents? :-)