But I did get it.

Maybe it's me that's bad at explaining. :-)

i don't think so

what are you hearing?

Well, I'm currently listening to a CD of "Blood Sweat & Tears", but I guess that's not what you mean ...

Is my description of swirling thoughts anything like what you're feeling?

sort of.

i've been trying to make myself calm down all night but it hasn't worked. i've tried breathing deeply i've tried lighting candles blah blah blah. im tired of trying coz none of it works. ye think i don't try but i do.

the reason those thoughts are in my head right now is because i have to choose soon. very soon.

Ah, I've never said you don't try, sweety.

It's just that I know what it's like to try the same, or similar, things thousands of times, and yet, somehow they always come out the same.

And then you try something different ...

It's just that there's no way to tell you what different thing to try, because it's different for everybody.

All I can tell you for sure is that there is a way, and you can find it.

I understand that the pressure makes it worse, that's why you have to do whatever you can to reduce the pressure, to relax somehow. Can you try talking to your Dad, who seems to have some idea of how you feel? Or some kind of distraction, rather than just staying inside your own head?

that's how it feels.

how do ya know there's a way????

how do ya know i can find it????

no i can't talk to him because he'll get angry if he knows i don't have a plan.

this just sucks.

Blossom, I kind of agree with malign on the distraction thing.

I know, for me anywya, that I find it sooo easy to get so lost inside my head, if that makes sense, but you don't have to stay there. Just because everything isn't right, doesn't mean you have to be miserable. You can be okay while trying to work on the things you want to change.

There's always more than two options also.

You said working in the clothes store forever is unhappy and staying in college is unhappy.

There are other things you can do. You have to figure out what you want to do.

Like changing colleges, you said your dad agreed to that. You might love a new college, you might not. But than you could always try something else.

yeah but i can't distract myself. i've tried.

see. ye do think that i don't try.

um yeah ok, I never said that, but ok

i'm sorry i'm just trying to be realistic.

Maybe you need to check whether your definition of 'realistic' might need to change. For instance, realistically, you can't predict your father's reaction. You can't predict that you couldn't find a job (there must be some, otherwise no one could afford to come to your clothing store.)

Depression has a tendency to mess with our definition of 'realistic', by the way. Part of its joy.

well me saying you don't try isn't realistic, it's the opposite of realistic because I didn't say that or even think it

i'm sorry.

I know you're afraid that people think badly of you, Blossomy, but we're your friends, and we don't think that way.

You're suffering, and you don't know what to do. That's understandable.

Blossom, I asked you in another blog entry of yours 'what do you think the ideal conditions of a job would be for you'. Hope I am not asking something you don't want to deal with, but, if it isn't so, I'd like to ask you again...

It could be anything. I mean, I don't want outside jobs cause I hate cold. That may sound stupid but it's importand for me. Could you name your ideal working conditions?

do ye really want to be friends with a nightmare?

i'm sorry auto i'm not feeling good right now.

I'm sorry...

blossom, I'm not trying to be hurtful, I was just trying to offer suggestions that have helped me, that's all.

I want to be your friend,

and I don't think you're a nightmare.

auto don 't be sorry you didn't do anything wrong. i'm just feeling bad right now.

i'm sorry starry. i don't see why anyone would want to be my friend.

in real life, when someone becomes my friend it's becauset they feel sorry for me.

I know how people are in real life blossom, I don't know that I've ever had a "real" friend.

I've been walked all over and used til I had nothing left to give.

But not everyone is that way. I guess it's just hard to find real people.

they don't exist.