LaBlocFan

It won't fucking stop. The feelings are intense. I'm fucking scared to talk about it. It's like the things other people claim as intrusive thoughts ain't shit compared to this!! This shit goes through my mind every day. The shitty thing is that everyday, it gets worse. The thing inside my head gets 0.1% worse with every passing day. I say that because when a fucked up thought comes to mind, it's sometimes greeted with a positive or warm or welcoming feeling. I know it's bad, but it's the same thing as a guy who hasn't showered or bushed his teeth in six months. He knows he smells like shit, but he doesn't know how much he does cause he lives in that state all day every day. One thing to do is chemical castration, cause frankly I don't see the thoughts and feelings about this subject are gonna change. And if I'm gonna have a life, I'm gonna need do something.

Not getting any better. One hospitalization later and I'm still I was, if not a couple hundred steps back. I am, as usual, caught between a rock and a hard/sharp place. But I can't imagine being anywhere else, most of the time. I could have had anything else, like schizophrenia or fucking anything else. My parent's and other members of my family feel sorry for me. I'm in their prayers and stuff. If they new of the shit that goes on in my head, they'd want to kick me into that pit and yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!"

I tried to type this before but it ended up taking almost four hours to write it down. By the time I clicked submit, the website log me out for inactivity. That being said, I don't think I'll post everything I want to say at one time. To preface, I have never sexually touched a child. I do have these sexualized visions of children and also this thing that I people online call a groinal response, it's not an erection. I remember I had this intrusive thought of my neighbor who was 2 years younger than me when I was a sophomore in high school. Then I went into a locked psychiatric unit for suicidal thoughts and behaviors (I held a knife at vital places of my body.) During that time there, I was talking to the psych I was assigned to. Something in the conversation led to an intrusive thought of a child. I told the psych later about it and I told her I was aroused. At that point, I didn't know about the groinal response. I told her that I felt like a monster. She looked at me and said she didn't see me as a monster or a pedo. I felt like the thoughts would be gone after I told somebody, and for a while they didn't bother me. Then started masturbating again after four months of abstinence. I was very disappointed when did since I told the psych that I had quit. For a while, it was awesome. Then the visions entered my mind, again. Once I was jerking off and when I was right about to climax, the woman I saw in my head took on a child-ish appearance. And I climaxed. I said to myself, "What the fucking shit!!" I was mortified. But the thing is, I kinda brushed it off because the image appeared when it was too late and I was already in full motion. Aka I came because of the woman, not because of what she turned into. Not to long afterwards, I started cutting. I thought that if I couldn't drink or smoke, I might as well cut. I saw that a lot of people cut, so why not me. Then I took another trip to the hospital. I cut partially so I could get in and escape life, to be honest. I started talking to my assigned psych, who was a different person than my visit to the psych unit before. We talked and I told him that I had these visions. He told me that there were cases where people had intrusive, sexual thoughts of children. Later, I was in my room resting and ruminating. Then I had an erection and a kid showed up. I wondered if I had that erection because of the kid. I'm not sure. I told the psych and he didn't seem convinced that I was a pedo. He determined that I have OCD and I was having an obsessive crisis, when someone can’t block out intense intrusive thoughts, in layman’s terms. He said the he wanted to contact a colleague who specializes in the psychology of pedophilia and have them see determine if I'm a pedo or not. SPOILER ALERT: IT NEVER HAPPENED. After I was discharged, I started masturbating again. The same thing that happened before happened again, but I think I enjoyed it. Looked like a fourteen year old. It didn’t fuck me up as bad I thought it would, which fucked me up even more. That’s been happening a lot lately. I been having flashes of children in my head while I wank. I stop for a second, ask God to remove it, and then go at it again. Rinse and repeat. I have a problem with masturbating. I can’t stop until I climax. Well, I can but it’s ridiculously difficult. I’m taking a break, but I’m not done writing yet. I still have some things to say.