Question

[Lana73]

Why does someone need to be loving and caring if he or she has no one who needs all of this? What do you do in this case? Give yourself a big hug and a smooch? Can you reprogram your brain to stop wanting things that you can't get?

Any thoughts?

[LaLa]

I'm curious about the answers others will hopefully write !

I'd say that the 1st question is analogical to, for instance: "Why does someone need to drink when he's in a desert with no water?"

And "to stop wanting things that one can't get" is indeed a protection mechanism which functions in some cases, maybe just in some people, I don't know. Of course it happens unconsciously. The person says "I don't need this at all" or "I don't need anyone" and is convinced it's true, but in fact it's only an illusion. I'm not sure if it can be achieved intentionally. However, maybe it's a part of grieving - when one needs to learn that (s)he's able to live without a concrete person. (I don't say it's a denial of missing and grieving, I just think it's learning to be happy again, despite the absence.)

What do you think?

[malign]

There are lots of levels of "loving and caring". If there's a human being in the room, you can be loving and caring to them, even (or especially?) if it's just you. For one thing, regardless of who it is, just the act of giving is restorative to your Self. {Obviously, I'm not talking about promiscuity; I'm talking about loving thy neighbor.}

With that view, a romantic kind of "loving and caring" isn't different; it's just a little more intense thing of the same kind. Too, usually you have to be loving and caring first, because that's the only way to find someone who feels the same way. If you behave a different way while you're trying to find them than you do afterwards, one of you is likely to feel cheated at some point. "This isn't the person I married" is a very common phenomenon ...

I like LaLa's analogy (the word you're looking for is "analogous", L.) We need what we need; we may be able to make do for a while on less, but the need isn't going to go away. But love is a little different than water: to some extent, we can give ourselves at least some love, to make up for a lack in our environment. Maybe not in a physical way, like smooching oneself, but in lots of little ways that say to yourself "I value you even when there's no one else around." And if a person can't do that, value themselves without external input, they run the risk of becoming addicted to any positive feedback from another person, even if that other person really isn't that good for them (i.e. abusive.)

[LaLa]

("P.S.:" Yes, analogous, I know... I just sometimes automatically use some strange forms of "English" words based on those from my language... )

[malign]

Only trying to help. :-)

In fact, we should trade: you make me learn a word of your language each time I give you an English word ...

That'll discourage me. :-P

[cryo994]

My advice - try to occupy your mind with something different. Something, you're going to be passionate about. Find a hobby, an activity you're going to care about on a daily basis.

In my case, I began working out. It started as regular exercise in my home, which slowly evolved into gym membership, diet (lots of carbs and proteins!) and regular workouts planned by my trainer. Every day I wanted to push myself more, it was a joy when I could do something just a little bit better the next day, and I can't go without mentioning that I felt extremely good when I looked into the mirror and saw changes:)

Of course, I'm just giving you an example of an involving activity - you can find something that'll fit you no matter who you are, and often in things like that, you're going to become a part of a passionate, vivid community.

You're unlikely to change your whole personality, but you can stop problems from overwhelming you, by not giving them the highest priority. And that, you can do!

[IrmaJean]

Why does someone need to be loving and caring if he or she has no one who needs all of this? What do you do in this case? Give yourself a big hug and a smooch? Can you reprogram your brain to stop wanting things that you can't get?

Any thoughts?

Does it feel good to be loving and caring? Maybe it's possible to soak up your own love and care? What things in life bring you joy, Lana? If you can find a way to connect with those parts of yourself, it might offer you some means to self-soothe.

[LaLa]

In fact, we should trade: you make me learn a word of your language each time I give you an English word ...

That'll discourage me. :-P

But I don't want to discourage you at all! On the contrary; I'd need more help of this kind to improve my English - but that would be too bothering for those who'd try; I often (mainly when don't have a spell check!) make too many mistakes, so it would be "never ending"...

(Just BTW; which word from my language would you like to learn? )

Sorry for "hitchhiking" [-as I've seen some people call it...] this thread ...

[Lana73]

How do you say "Mental support community"?

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am feeling better today.

I just don't know how to accept and embrace who I am regardless of my life situation.

Cryo,working out is an awesome way to imporove your mental health, especially depression. I used to work out but truly enjoy talking walks. I don't have motivation to go and work out, but am waiting for the heat to go away. It is almost 90 degress where I am.

[LaLa]

How do you say "Mental support community"?

Well, I may answer this kind of questions by PM or maybe in a private blog, but not here, as I made a decision when coming here that I wouldn't reveal "in public" where I'm from and it includes not using my native language... (So, if someone is really interested, PM or mail is the best option .)

But I can say that the "literal" translation doesn't make much sense (although it would be usable and understandable), because we don't use this kind of expressions - we would say this same "notion/idea" by, for instance, "a community offering support in the area of mental/psychological issues"... But I don't want to make a false image of my - even though unrevealed - language here: it's not true that in general, we would have to use more words than in English (to say the same)!! It depends - sometimes it's the opposite.