OCD - Sexual fears and POCD

[Anxiety]

Hi. For the last half year or so I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts and terrible guilt from my sexual history. I'm a 23 year old university student and my studies have seriously been affected by my obsessions.

About a year ago I was suffering from serious depression and self-esteem issues due to my back being in a really bad shape. I was in pain physically and emotionally. I was worried about the world and had a very serious existential crisis. I was also suffering from relationship OCD. This led to overuse of alcohol and pornography. It was an escape route.

I've always had an exhibitionism-fetish, so I started browsing video-chatting sites. I was browsing them without a shirt, since I thought that wouldn't offend anyone and people could easily disconnect. This lasted for about 3 or 4 months and I did it for maybe once or twice a week. I had a few encounters and some of them have made me feel terrible later.

I always asked for the ages of my partners with one exception. I was on a site that had an +18 age verification, but it's easy to just click ok. Anyway this girl looked like (if my memory serves me right) she could be anything from 15 to 20. It all turned sexual very fast and I didn't even realize to verify her age. After the encounter a terrible guilt and shame hit me. What if she was underage? (She looked like a tall and skinny girl) What if she was this and that? What if she later gets guilty, and I've taken advantage of her? The image I have in my head sometimes turns younger and younger, until I worry about her being 11 or something. I've read about OCD twisting your memories and I think this is what's going on, since it wasn't really that big of a deal until much later.

The other one is the thing, that I've had most anxiety about. I was again on a +18-site and I connect to someone. The image is blurry but I just see someone starting to get naked. Impulsively I start to do the same myself and as the image gets sharper I notice, that it's definitely not a woman, but a 13-year old. As soon as I notice this, I panic, disconnect and close the computer. I felt terrible, both physically and mentally and I had to throw up. I wasn't turned on by this at any moment, and as soon as I noticed her age I was shocked. I didn't expect to see that there.

I know my behaviour wasn't acceptable and I've stopped watching porn altogether. However I wouldn't want to be a sexual predator. I feel like a terrible person and I'm so worried that I'm a child molester or something. I'm not attracted to children, although I do find some teenagers attractive, I wouldn't act on that attraction. Still I feel like I could be on To Catch a Predator or something. I admit to masturbating to (completely legal) pictures of teenagers who are in the age group of 15 to 19 and I feel some guilt for this as well. However, I'm the same age in these fantasies.

I've even worried about the ages of the people who said they were 18. I've also had terrible guilt about being very straightforward, since I didn't want to mislead anyone. I feel a lot of shame for having this fetish and I've very much repressed it.

I've told my gf about this in general, but I haven't told her about those encounters and my terrible worries and anxieties. It's hard to lie to a person I love very much about feeling completely ok.

The thing that makes all this worse is that I'm going to be a teacher in a few years. Even though I never showed my face I'm afraid of being falsely accused of being a predator somehow. I'm horribly afraid of being cast out and I wish I could have all of these things undone. I like to be around children, because they're still open-minded. The thought of having sexual desires towards them makes me repulsed.

Sorry for rambling, but I needed to get this out. I'm literally in tears and I'm waiting to get into therapy but the lines are terrible and I can't really afford private therapists. Any help would be appreciated.

BTW. I'm sorry if offended any actual pedophiles here. I don't think you're bad people just for having a terrible attraction. Pedophilia per se isn't morally wrong, while child abuse is very wrong.

[wavesofsadness]

it is quite obvious to me that your experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt over these "sexual encounters" which i can relate to, a very similar thing happened to me in fact, but going over it in your mind and obsessing over it only hurts you more, trust me. i am aware that not obsessing over these things is terribly hard, but can be acheieved. although you cannot afford therapy or a pyschiatrist, you can still find very helpful sites on these matters. below is some links to sites i feel will be helpful for you;

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/

http://www.angriesout.com/grown22.htm

hope this helps