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This is a subject that interests me quite often. I've been a recluse or withdrawn now for all of my adult life and a good portion of my teens. There has been very little outlet for my sexuality over the years, in total I have less that an hours worth of experience and I'm 32. I've never actually had 'proper' sexual intercourse either so I don't know what it's like to climax with somebody. Is there a 'minimum requirment' for someones sexuality to mature, does it 'consolidate' by a certain age or level of experience? I'm asking because my sexuality is all over the place, i'm finding all sorts of woman attractive. It's very frustrating.

Hey forgeting thanks for writing ... I hate being looked at too, I swear I see a grimace on peoples faces when they do, but I think it's my imagination. I also hate it when people don't look at me either, I feel they're avoiding me. Sometimes I think I've gone completely off the rockers! I have to keep telling myself that I ain't that significant, that I'm just one of many people they've seen that day, maybe they've not even conciously noticed me. Personally I think the reason I get so preoccupied with fears of this nature is that I have very little actual human contact, so every little nuance of body language that I perceive in public becomes disproportionatly significant. The fewer 'transactions' I have the more significant each one becomes. I also think that everyone is attractive in some way, even that I could be to someone, but that it's highly improbable. Looking in the mirror completly throws that idea out of the window and I undergo an emotional hijacking. A few people over the years have told me I look a little like Elvis, but I can't see it. Perception really is a stickler! Right, I'm off to tease the dog, seeya

Benster You are amazing! .. out of all the difficulties that most people have this is definately one of the most stigmatised and emotionally charged issues that has to be resolved over the coming decades. You've just come out with it ... very admirable. Personally, my attitude on reorientation is one of stubborn support, I believe that anyone who has the capacity to develop a paraphilia inherently has the ability to get out of it. After all, if change wasn't possible, then how would a paraphilia develop in the first place? Thats one tree I'm not taking my eye off (read my post in belief in god for that to make sense)! Whilst I believe there may be a degree of 'imprinting' thats irriversable, I do believe that it can be disabled. Not 'cured' but grown out of. After all, it was grown into. Look at the very stuff were made of, we have within us an inheritance of evolution over 100's of millions of years, it's just that it doesn't get 'expressed' ... I think the same kinda stuff happens in the brain and mind. The mind is far more maleable than a genome, it has to be, otherwise we'd be extinct. NEVER listen to ANYONE who says you'll never change ... thats upto YOU. Anyone who trys to tell you you won't change, call them a "Phrenologist"! Responsibility isn't all about being inhibited, it's also about choosing who you want to be, it just takes time and effort. I think it was jennifer who siad that honesty is all important, I agree. If we are all honest with each other and with ourselves, then we can be in a far better position to be responsible and a force for good. Out of curiosity benster, do you often feel as though you have to act around adults so that you will be liked? ... I'm wondering how rewarding you find the company of other adults.

For me, God is ... err ... umm ... He's the tree on the horizon you look at when your ploughing the field. You keep your eye on it and mindful of what your doing, you'll plough a much better line than you would if your attentions on the plough. Still won't be straight though, thats what it is to be who I am, for now. I don't know if Jesus actually existed or not (I'm starting to believe he did) but I think that there is a hell of a lot of wisdom in the bible. I've found my faith (pathetic as it is) to be both extremely comforting and disturbing, realising that I sin so much and looking at the ideal in Christ ... what a contrast! But then, that I am loved by Him. I could go on but I won't.

'ello Mark When I first became a recluse (Apr 1991(15yo)) my thoughts were about my forehead being too small and my cranium looking 'deflated', cheekbones too big. I also started to wash obsessively trying to get rid of dark areas around my nose, to the point where I rubbed off the epidermis ... god that hurt! My weight didn't get out of control until about 10-12 months after this. But I did start to overeat when I was fourteen ... I was being bullied at school when I moved to a new area of the country, I guess the sense of isolation/alienation may have triggered my use of food as comfort. But back then I was cycling so much I guess I burned off all the calories. I've used the term Social Phobic to described myself in the past (I discovered that one back in 1999, heh, and had a similar reaction to when I heard of BDD). I do absolutely fear negative evaluation and my referential thoughts seem to be triggered by my seeing somebody who may see me (i.e. walking towards me on the street) ... I'm convinced that they think of me as ugly, I don't think they hate me or anything, just that they're reaction is a less intense version of what I get when I see myself via my shadow or reflection, laying eyes apon my own body. For me the embarresment is just being seen by people, I feel so ashamed of my body, I feel naked before them. I often do feel as though people are laughing at me if I hear laughter from somewhere, intellectually I realise that it's improbable that they are, but emotionally? ... sometimes I think my brain is just one giant amygdala! I often try to think about what all this emotional baggage is about but I'm just not equipped to make sense of it ... why does it have to be so complicated. :confused: Uh Oh ... I need to stop, when I think too much along the lines of 'I' and 'Me' my anxiety raises. Anyone else got/had any thoughts along these lines ? Thanks Mark:)

Hello Allen Thank You for responding. I've been tenuously diagnosed with AvPD and have also been described as 'emotionally deprived'. But when I heard of BDD is really struck a huge chord! I've thought long and hard over what is and what isn't beautiful since I first became a recluse about 17 years ago and have been wrangling with this preoccupation of mine. Heh, I could probably write an entire essay on it! The main focus of my preoccupation is the shape/size of my head and face. I have secondary and tertiary concerns about other parts but the head is the main one. Over the years of being a recluse I have also developed a problem with eating too much so I am now about 95lb over what I should be, which is kind of comforting in a perverse sort of way as I can blame that for being so unattractive. A viscious circle! I've started to read a book called 'The Broken Mirror' and its ringing very loud bells in me. But I find it hard to feel it applies to me because I keep on thinking "but this is about 'imagined ugliness' ... what about people who really are, by popular definitions, considered to be 'ugly'". If you have a preoccupation with 'actual' ugliness and are unable to live a normal life because of it, is that still BDD? Hmm, clinically ugly ? :eek:

how can you tell if you really are ugly or if you have body dismorphic disorder?

I was wondering what kinda preoccupations you guys have when your feeling anxious in social situations. I was diagnosed with AvPD a few years ago and my preoccupation is mainly with my appearance to others, namely my aesthetics. Do you guys have similar thoughts or is there something else that pushes your buttons?