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scruffycat

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Everything posted by scruffycat

  1. True, I'm not alone in having these thoughts. But I think mine aren't normal, or at least I think about them too much. I get a thought and ruminate and ruminate, trying to pick it apart for days. Some specific thoughts have been on my brain for years (not continuously, of course) and I'm getting very tired. I understand why you don't like diagnoses, but I think they can be helpful, so I can get the correct treatment and such. Also it makes it easier to explain to my friends why I'm behaving in a strange way. It feels good to be able to say, for example, ''Sorry I'm having such a hard time talk
  2. I'm not sure. I am depressed but I feel like this is something else. I thought it was Alexithymia but when I looked into it more, I didn't think the symptoms matched. I just want my emotions to be normal. Medications don't seem to work against this.
  3. I wasn't sure what to title this. I have what I suspect is OCD, not officially diagnosed so I can't say for sure. Extremely excessive handwashing, ruminating, fear that I might hurt people in various ways, and other awful things. But there's another thing that might be OCD-related that I can't get out of my brain. I get thoughts that I don't agree with. It's hard to explain. Example: I love my nephews. When my youngest nephew was about a year old, my brother told me he nearly suffocated on some food because he was too impatient and hungry, and inhaled the food. When I heard that, I immediately
  4. I'm gonna go for a walk because i feel like I'm being eaten alive in this apartment. I'm sorry for posting over and over. I think I'm just pretending someone's here talking to me.
  5. I should stop. I've heard that people can die just from wanting to die, so maybe that will happen.
  6. I actually feel like I'm losing grip on reality. I'm not dissociating, I do have a grip on reality, but at the same time it feels like I'm not here. I can't explain it. i think it's like I'm looking through a lens? or in a bubble maybe. I want to go fir a walk and clear my head, but I'm afraid I'll do something stupid. I hate that every time I write or speak things don't come out the way I want, it's like I have to check it. Do I sound too desperate or too calm? I'm scared people will think I sound too calm to be sick, or like I'm pretending to be sick.
  7. I'll ramble here and look like an idiot, I'm not sure if I care. i'm gonna sound incoherent, i'm sorry, I know it's weird and obnoxious. i just need to say things. I know you are not therapists on this site, I'm sorry. I'm just tired and I want this to stop. Things have changed. They're not what they used to be. At the same time I was always fucked up. I want to die, but I'm scared of death. If I could just jump off a bridge. It would be easy but I'm too scared. I want to scream at my mom that she should care more. Which is pathetic because I'm an adult and she's not obligated to watch my ever
  8. I've talked to therapists before. My issues have been known for a while. I'm seeing a therapist in a few days, as decided when I was in the hospital the other day for that suicide attempt I mentioned. I hope it goes somewhere. I know I have to keep an open mind. But I'm an adult and things have been horrible since my early teens, so at this point I know I'm a lost cause. Yes, a part of me wants to hope. But at the same time I know it's hopeless.
  9. I just can't let go of the past. I have OCD and depression that make my life miserable. I've done horrible things. I wanted to tell someone what I'm thinking about right now but I can't. I thought I could. It's just over. Everything is black. I regret things immediately after doing them so I regret posting already. I just wanna be happy but I can't.
  10. I just can't deal with this. Please. If anyone has time to spare, could you please talk to me? I've attempted suicide twice in a few months' time. Last time was this New Year's eve. I think If I had some guts I would take Ibuprofen for liver damage and die for real. But I can't live like this. I'm being haunted by so many things and one thing in particular haunts me tonight. I'm afraid to even say it because it's awful. Please. I need to get some tjings off my chest but im afraid. I know it won't help but im desperate.
  11. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write this. I still feel horrible, but slightly more hopeful. I don't know if everything will work out but I'll try. Thanks for the support.
  12. Alright, I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I have thought about admitting myself to hospital, but I'm scared. I don't wanna be stuck there forever. But I'm running out of options. I just want a normal life without having to second guess every single thing I do.
  13. Hearing you say I didn't molest my nephew does make me feel somewhat better, but at the same time, you also said ''to protect others you need to be hospitalized'' suggesting that I might do something one day. So then I probably should kill myself.
  14. Please... I know I'm a whiny bastard and I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do anymore.
  15. You're all so nice. But everything's just effed up right now. My mom is away in Greece for two weeks, and my kind brother says I can stay with him and his family if I want - but that just makes it worse, since he has a toddler, and everytime I play with him I just get scared I'm gonna hurt him. And he gets so sad if auntie won't play with him - but how could you explain POCD to a two-year-old? I stayed the night yesterday anyway because I was about to kill myself, and I did something disgusting. When I was playing with my nephew, I poked him briefly on the front of his pants to show myself it
  16. I'm sorry. I do want help but I dont think its possible. I think Im going to kill myself now before I chicken out. thanks for trying to help me.
  17. I just want someone to help me. But it's impossible isn't it?
  18. Hi, I'm sorry that I just vanished like that. It was shitty of me to just up and disappear after posting these things. I guess I'm just convinced nobody can help me. I want to live, I really do. But I'm just too far gone. I know I'll act on these intrusive thoughts eventually. Everybody's just telling me lies and I can't understand why. I am a monster and I need to kill myself to protect everyone else. The only problem is I'm too much of a coward to end it all. But I think eventually I'll get the courage to do it. I don't know why I'm posting here, no one can change my mind anyway....
  19. Thank you all for your kind replies.... when I read them, the rational voice in my head tells me ''of course they're right, you've never done anything and you never will'' but I'm so scared. Deep down, I know the thoughts are not real. But it's like... I don't know. Maybe they will become real because I think about them so much? I know I'm not making sense. I've taken fluoxetine since I was 16 (23 now) and the OCD became easier to cope with at first, but recently it's started getting worse again. I'm just so scared. I mean, I've done bad things before. In 4th grade, a boy was bullying me, and
  20. Please I know you're all busy but I can't take this
  21. It's so easy. Imagine I'm holding my nephew. All it would take is for my hand to move a few centimeters and I'd be touching the front of his diaper. Writing that makes me feel so fucking horribly gross but it's true. And then I'd be a child molester. If I held a knife in my hand and someone stood next to me, all it would take is one slash, one flick of the wrist, and that person would be dead. And I'd be a murderer.
  22. I do take medication. People tell me I will never act on the thoughts. But I know it's bullshit. I am dangerous. If others have acted on their OCD, then so can I.
  23. Im afraid because if i play with my nephew im scared ill molest him. If i see a Child on The street i get horrible thoughts and think im a pedophile. If i see a cute animal i think ill molest it. I dont want to do any of these things but im pretty sure it doesnt matter. I talked to a therapist Who told me some people with OCD do in fact act on their thoughts. Theres no hope for me
  24. I just can't do this. whatever i do, i have to think twice because im scared ill do something horrible. i can't even play with my nephew. i can't live like this its not worth it
  25. I'm sorry I'll kill myself now. I know it's horrible but I can't be trusted. i'm gonna go out. maybe i'll find the strength to reconsider. i don't wanna die. but i cant do this anymore
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