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Ralph last won the day on June 11 2016

Ralph had the most liked content!

About Ralph

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  • Birthday 03/18/1977

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  1. Ralph

    current events - Trigger

    Thanks, IJ. I did see my therapist on an emergency basis last week, and following up next week. I have supportive friends who have already offered to help if needed, which is something I am truly grateful for. Finding, that is what I am struggling with as well. I can see myself in just that situation, because it could have just as easily happened in my home town or anywhere. I lived in Colorado through Columbine HS and Aurora movie theater shootings, and each time there is another mass shooting I feel a little more sick. When I picture how I would respond to such an emergency, I fee
  2. So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back. This time will be different, though, because I know how I did it before. Doing the exact same thing may not work this time, b
  3. Ralph

    Posting Dilemma

    I know I have not been very active on this site lately. There was some discussion of this in the Announcements thread introducing me as a new moderator, but I thought I would add more detail here. The blog feels like a more appropriate place for this, and that way I don't feel like I'm cluttering up an announcement thread with a whole wall of text. I have made massive progress in the past year or two in learning to stop beating myself up. I'm starting (just barely) to accept who and what I am, flaws and all. As a perfectionist, I find this to be a difficult thing to do, but I prefer it
  4. Thanks, smallstar and sed. Yes, I have been around a while. I think I started here around 2010. I do come and go, as sometimes I feel like I need support, and it helps just reading other folks' posts, but then other times I want to push my mental health problems into the background and pretend I am doing fine. I have made a ton of progress in the past couple years or so. I'm just not sure how to help others with what I've learned, so I continue to study. More on that in a soon to come blog post. What this has to do with moderating is that I'm going to experiment with being more acti
  5. Hi MorbidOrchid, I don't know enough about your parents to suggest how to approach them, but I can tell you about my situation. I had depression and suicidal ideation (making plans but not following through on them) since I was 8 years old, possibly earlier. My parents (well Mom, really, Dad left us alone after the divorce) didn't want to believe that I had issues. I didn't know how to talk to my mom about it, and back then I had an attitude anyway which would have prevented me from receiving help even if it were offered. So I just escaped. It wasn't a conscious decision; I was desperate to
  6. Small, I'm not here to set an example. I just want to help out in whatever ways in which I may be able. I hear the concern that, as someone with a substance issue, I may be impaired and on the site at the same time, which would affect my judgment as a moderator, or even as a participant in forum threads. I assure you I have awareness around this and have no intent of coming on this site unless I am sober at the time. However, what I reject is the implication that, as someone with a substance issue, my credibility must be suspect, even when I am not using, because of the danger that I may
  7. Thanks! ... I think... Now to figure out how to moderate
  8. Ralph

    Sober.... Not sober(?)

    It's hard for me to get out in nature because I don't have anyone to go with, but I made a new friend recently so maybe that will change this summer. There is a park nearby that has a duck pond. I find that to be quite soothing. I sometimes feel self conscious out in public alone, though. I worry that I look like some kind of creep being at a park without a family in tow. I could dispute that thought, though. Why should I think that anyone is even noticing me in the first place, and if they are, then who cares what they think about me? That is the attitude I would like to go out with.
  9. Ralph

    Sober.... Not sober(?)

    Thanks, and good job on 5 months off the sauce! I definitely do not have clarity of mind when stoned. That's what I like about it. I can still function in terms of walking talking, doing dishes, what have you, but I wouldn't want to be high at work. The reason I like it is I feel my mind goes way too fast at times, like an engine revving that is not in gear. So depressant drugs like alcohol or weed work to slow that down so I can get a rest. I don't like using drugs to do that though. I feel like I should be able to calm down through meditation or other techniques that don't mess with my brain
  10. So life has been going pretty well for me. I am on the right combo of meds and taking them as directed. I am taking steps to become more socially engaged in life. My job is very high stress but I do love the work, plus working inside is nice. I'm grateful to even have a job in the first place in this economy. I have some first world problems, most notably addiction. I haven't drank in over four months now, but two months ago I started smoking weed because: a - I qualify for a medical card, meaning I can do it legally under state law if I follow the rules, and b - I don't have a "problem" with
  11. Ralph


    Thanks for the note, IJ. It took me a little while but I found the settings. I'm still feeling about the same as when I wrote the original post unfortunately. Things are pretty good; I have a lot to be thankful for. I can't seem to be able to enjoy my own good fortune, though. I feel so much fear and pessimism although things have gone pretty well for me, with a few significant exceptions.
  12. Ralph


    Maybe this is just normal ups and downs, but I am way down right now. Keep thinking about suicide although I have no intent of going through with it. Wondering if I should call a crisis line anyway. No particular external stressors, actually things are going fine for me, nonetheless these feelings make it like I am going through some intensely distressing times.
  13. Ralph


    smallstar I would say that depends on how likely a relapse is at this time. If I was already stable in my sobriety and had made the lifestyle changes necessary to sustain it, then I would most likely not need it. However, in my case I was relapsing repeatedly and needed something extra to get me out of that pattern. It worked for me and the cost is more than returned to me in alcohol purchases I haven't made due to taking this course. As always, YMMV I've done more work on the course in the past week and my urges are now almost non-existent. I may have a thought about alcohol, but it isn't an
  14. Ralph


    Finding, the web course is overcomingaddictions.net. I haven't been using it as much lately and I have noticed my urges coming back. Still not strong, but more than they were when I was using the course every day. I guess it would be good for me to get back into it.
  15. Ralph


    I'm doing well. I'm hoping to keep my momentum with sobriety going. If I think about drinking, it does tempt me, but then I remember how bad things got, and I don't want to go back there again. I never experienced any drastic consequences from my drinking but I had seen some mild ones that I knew would only grow after time if I didn't listen to the wake up calls I had been given. My depression is still an obstacle to deal with, but it's at least something I can work with instead of an overwhelming monster that I can't handle.
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