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Hey, everyone. My real name is Mike but online I prefer the pseudonym "Adam Jensen." I just joined this site. I'm Canadian, Caucasian, male, eighteen, heterosexual and agnostic. I have ADHD, a learning disability, social and generalized anxiety and depression. I also have an IQ of ninety-five and my MBTI type is INFP. Ever since I was in my preteens I have wondered what the purpose of life was. I never found a satisfactory answer though. But now more than ever I feel as if I have no purpose. I can't get a Ph.D in one of the subjects that I like. Which are Psychology, Sociology and Biology. I lack the capability to understand the intricate, abstract concepts. I’ve also never had a significant other before. I don't know if it's because I'm socially inept, introverted, boring, unattractive or all of the above. Anyway, I feel as if I'll be alone forever. Lastly, I just feel like my life is devoid of meaning and happiness is unattainable.
(A quick note; This started out as my ramblings to myself in an email to myself. As I went on I thought that maybe there is help out there. Also there are a couple references to me being a diabetic without clarification. now you know. Thanks for reading.) You are not a victim. although life seems to be at a high lighted low there has to be more out there from you. Death is not an option at this point so stop killing yourself. you have intelligence so use it. Quit being everything that you despise. Nothing will be easy but things still must happen. Your sadness makes me sick. How can I change myself? Change by me for me is needed in my life, desperately! Im so tired of hating myself. Every car that passes I deep down inside wish it would have hit me. I realized the other night something. I was about to go to bed and then I asked myself... should I take my medicine? my answer: No, lets shave another year off my life. What in the fuck is the matter with me. I have been unconsciously killing myself for years. Is it because I hate myself? Is it because I do not think I am cut out for this life? Is it because I am too weak? So many questions I have about myself. Im 25, you would think I would know about myself. I dont. This is the longest string of misery I have gone through that I can remember. Its not that they are all bad days but just no sun shine in the skies. My life feels like a waiting room for death. I fear responsibility. I hate dependency and yet i position myself for no independence. I know what I want but take no action to get it. I know where I want to be but I take no moves to get any closer. Im 25 years old and I live with my parents. I own practically nothing. I can not drive and more than likely never will again. I can not have my own bank account. Every obligation or contractual agreement I have ever had I have failed at. Any goal I have ever set for myself I have come far short of. Every relationship I have ever had I have failed at. I have very very very few friends. I have never been consistent with anything except failure. I want more than anything to be better, or so I tell myself and yet every day that goes on, nothing changes. All of this is so true that it hurts. . . almost suffocates my thoughts. The ONLY good I have done in my life is love and care for my puppy and even still... he has not been to the vets since I got him. He was never neutered. I say I want nothing more than to be better but if that were true wouldnt I be doing something about it? I think what I want more than anything is selfishly, to be dead. Because consistently, I am doing things towards that. In my eyes, I am worthless. I do not deserve the pitty or the charity give to me. I feel terrible as I am a burden to any ones life that I am in. They are blinded because I am their son/family. I wish they could see how worthless I am. It amazes me how I can have such a level head on my shoulders and still allow myself to be such dirt. I know better. I know what I need to do. I know I know I KNOW and yet... nothing. there should be nothing more to this than just doing what i need to do and yet that is not it. or something is seriously holding me back. and I know that something is myself. I am functional. I make my bed everyday. I fold my laundry. matching socks. I dirty a dish and then clean it. but everyday its like my own misery is consuming me. I can focus less on everything that matters and focus more on my self loathing and the day dreams of dying fill the empty space between my thoughts. my dreams used to be hopeful and now they have become lonely. I have tried meds...nothing. I exercise regularly...nothing. Ive tried to find religion but i can not believe. I am losing any and all hope. I just want to be better. Please help