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Hi this is my first time writing here and I think I need some help. I have written a long one. This is almost for the first time I m mentioning everything at once. Thank you I want to talk about my small dick. I m really affected by it ever since I realised I had a small dick. About me, I m 20 year old and I have a penis of about 4 inches erect and flaccid just looks really embarrassing. I think its about all the sexual problems I have along with my small dick. When I was in 5th grade, I was molested by a guy in his late 20s. He forced himself on me and started making out and he didn’t let go off my hand. I remember it very clearly. I ran and puked it out. I didn’t know who to tell this too. So I kept it as a secret. When I got in 7th grade, my uncle had started living in my house, we later started sharing a room together. I was a fat kid back then, he used to sleep next to me and would press my chest and pull them and rub his hands. He would also spank me whenever he would feel like and hold me from behind. I always felt uncomfortable but never understood what it was. I started pushing him back and once even told my dad about it, he just laughed it off. In later years, I would fight him if we touch me. I also never masturbated properly. Since I was a kid I would hump on the bed, I still do. I feel really filthy about it but I m sort of addicted of it and cannot stop doing it like that. I m trying to stop it right now in my life. Back to school. When I was still in school all was fine and I wasn’t worried about my dick cause I would always feel it would grow more. But during my 10th grade I realised I had a small penis and from there my series of lying and low self esteem begin. My first girlfriend was the first one to see my dick. Other than her nobody else had ever seen it. (Ofc except family) I was still hoping my dick would grow. She didn’t understand how small my dick was because she had no idea about sizes and we also didn’t indulge in sex, so size was not a question. We broke up soon. Later I found out about Omegle the website where people masturbate or chat on video online. I started seeing man, boys with really big dicks. I didn’t stand a chance against them. So I started acting as a girl online. I would press my chest together to make it seem like a boobs. And I would show strangers my ass and would act like a submissive bottom. I had no idea about what I was doing. I didn’t completely liked it but it felt like atleast I could satisfy someone. I felt like I would never be able to go out with a girl with a dick so small. So I thought I would go out with men and offer to be their bottom because my dick cannot satisfy anyone ! So when I was 17, I started using grindr. I started talking to a lot of men who would say filthy things about me and humiliate me and I would enjoy and would want more of that chat but when it came to taking action I was really scared. So I would just delete the app whenever someone would tell me to come to their place. Until one day, I finally decided to go. He was in his 40s and I don’t remember what he looked like. At first when we started I couldn’t handle it and started crying and bleeding. Then I was almost done and about to go home when we put me on the bed and started thrusting his dick again. I didn’t want to disappoint him so I just screamed and asked him not to stop till he came and after he did, I was broken, I didn’t have in me to stand straight. I hated it. It sucked. But only that felt like the right thing. All my friends had girlfriend and had sex life. I didn’t have any so I started lying about it. I would make relatable comments that would make me feel included. I also made up a girlfriend and pretended that she cheated on me or some other reasons to other people. That lie still haunts me. People still think she was my girlfriend. I started just being a very private person after I turned 18 and would just lie about things to pretend to be normal. I met a girl when I was around that age. She later became my girlfriend. I was really scared of showing her my penis but when I did she was really nice about it. She didn’t once make me feel like anything were wrong with me. I felt really comfortable in my skin for the first time in life. Last year December we broke up and things haven’t been same. I was really jealous that once she will have sex with other guys she would hate me. Make fun of me. And the first time she had sex with someone all I was thinking about is how little she must have felt when she was with me. How she could have done way better than me. After the break up I downloaded grindr again and went out with a guy. Later, I went to an orgy where I took meth and ghb and 2 dudes fucked me. I really don’t think I m sexually attracted to men. Everytime, even when I was 17 and saw the men for first time, I was a little high. I just wanted to feel used and validated by somebody. I knew their validation wouldn’t mean anything sober and I wouldn’t be able to take it sober. So I had to be a little numb. I have a fear I cannot satisfy anyone and that makes me do all of this. After the orgy, I was really really high. I couldn’t feel much although it hurt a lot, I was just numb. Yesterday night, I went out with a guy again. I was again high on drugs and ended up tripping on his bed. At some point I was really drugged and he was just trying to insert his dick in me and it felt very off. I couldn’t believe all of my life choices ended up to this. I really wish I had a bigger dick and these problems wouldn’t exist. I have more to share but this feels good for now. I read many peoples post in here, thank you for helping with some motivation.
Continuing from earlier post. I find myself lie very often about things that don't require much saying. I often do it when I find myself in situations where I cannot tell people about my problems, insecurity and majorly sps. Today I went out with a girl and found myself lieing to hide out my sexual problems and made up scenarios in which I was the alpha in the story lol. I want to know, especially from senior members. Have you confronted about sps with someone in your intial meet ? Does anyone find/found themselves in situation like I describe earlier ? I don' t think its a major issue honestly. I know lying is something that can be worked upon but I only find it tough because I hate feeling small. Thank you, would love to hear some opinion on this